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|  0 recommendations | Message 1 of 22 in Discussion |
| | (Original Message) | Sent: 9/21/2007 9:48 AM |
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| | 0 recommendations | Message 8 of 22 in Discussion |
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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 9 of 22 in Discussion |
| From:  Judyc3 | Sent: 10/16/2007 3:55 AM |
A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,
so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?'
The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.
He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5'
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.
He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up The Intercom and said...
wait for it...................)
'Mop and bucket, Till 5 please' |
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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 10 of 22 in Discussion |
| | From: Judyc3 | Sent: 10/20/2007 11:16 PM |
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....The Receptionist said, Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today??
There's something wrong with my dick, he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.
The Receptionist replied; Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.
The man replied, You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, Yes??
There's something wrong with my ear, he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??
I can't piss out of it, he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!*
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The Art Thief
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre musuem.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, the art thief replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
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One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our blonde female employees flagged me down and asked for help.
"My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?" she asked.
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying awful hard to keep a straight face. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!"
"Condom???"
"Yes, John and Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses..."
By this point John and Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve.
I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, then she asked in a dead-serious voice: "Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?"
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After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania. |
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates
through the bar again. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're
scaring my customers.
I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and
every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You
idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!
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The Upset Wife
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,when I was
about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled allover the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell
her." |
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Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with him as beneficiary), and arranging to have her
killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie".
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid.
The husband said that he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he collected his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front.
The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's.
There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the Produce department, stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden cameras and the police were quickly summoned.
The whole affair was summed up in the local paper with the headline.
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S"
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It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going To be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been Taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't Tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the Winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the Tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this Area going to be cold?" The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going To be quite cold." So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect Even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does It still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very Cold winter." The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to Collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you Absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like It is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the elder asked. "The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign." |
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A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning..... Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from thekitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once............................................. I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!! |
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A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him
over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really
nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and
you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go
home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks
him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there
with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he
gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line
and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national
grid comes up and he wins that too getting
£380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been
here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the
full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the
luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Well f*ck me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well !!" |
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