So you've decided to purchase a Human:

The lap cat's guide to getting the most out of your human companion.

So you've done it, you've gone out and acquired yourself a human companion. From now on your life will be three square meals a day and all the napping and patting you could wish for, right? Wrong, the first mistake a novice cat makes is to believe that a human will know how to take care of you, true they do know how to use the magical device called the can opener, but beyond that these strange creatures are in the dark when it comes to our feline needs.

Most humans will be able to manage the feeding, bedding and toileting chores required of them. If they become recalcitrant and will not feed you what you like, yowl and sulk until they give in and leave your house in search of something better. If you do not like the bed they provide, and who among us wants to live in the laundry with the dirty socks? Claim a piece of their living room furniture for yourself, make sure to moult heavily on it and claw it extensively, it doesn't take very long until it becomes yours. If, and I shudder to bring this up, they cannot manage to provide you with decent toilet facilities, leave. A human who cannot manage this most basic of tasks is untrainable.

So now that you have the basic requirements of life under control, it is time to train your human companion in the ways of cat pleasure. Many humans believe that all a cat requires are a few pats on the head followed by a long stroking motion down the lengths of our bodies. While this is okay for a quick 'Hello' or 'Goodbye' in the morning or evening when they leave and return from the world outside your home, it is not the alpha and omega of cat pleasure and bonding, in fact it is little more then a handshake.

A good patting session must, in the early part of the training, be initiated by you. Wait for a time when they look nice and comfortable, preferably while watching television, it makes them passive, and jump into their lap. Be persistent, they may try to push you off, but that is because they are untrained and don't understand your intentions.

Once you have entrenched yourself on their lap, push your head up under their hand to get them started, most humans will at least stroke your head for you. Now that you have started them off move your head subtly to the side to change the angle of their hand and encourage them to follow your movements. Under the chin and along the jaw line are good spots for beginner humans, as you get not only pleasure, but also the opportunity to scent them.

Now that your human has mastered this, move on to more advance patting. Remind your human that they have fingers and that a finger rubbed in a circular motion around the base of the ear is divine, as is a circular motion at the back of the neck. These two techniques are extremely effective at producing sleepy relaxation and working away all the stress of the day. Your human will seem to find it relaxing too. Once you feel that you have your human well trained, you can let them pat your belly, remember though, that as this is our most vulnerable area, this is a privilege given only to your most trusted and competent human companion. If you can get a human to this stage of training, you have a companion for life and can freely slip back into your carefree kitten days.

Troubleshooting your human.

Most problems with your human will result from ignorance or poor training methods. Humans are stupid creatures, but they repond well to training, persistance is they key. If your human despite your best efforts persists in doing things you do not like, then a light nip will help to remind them of their initial training. If this doesn't work a bite or a scratch, that draws blood, might be necessary to bring your recalcitrant human into line.

All in all, your human should give you years of reliable service, but remember life is too short to waste on a poor model, if yours won't do as it is told, find yourself a new one, there are plenty of humans just dying to be your constant companion.

( Except You Know Who)LOL.