Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
>> been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is
>> broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
>> 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
>> ' Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
>> 'That little twerp, O'Conner,' says Sean,
>> 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his
>> hand.'
>> 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a
>> terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
>> 'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't
>> you have something in your hand?'
>> That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
>> beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'*
>>
>>
>>
****************************************************************************
***
>> An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home
>> from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving
>> violently all over the road.
>>
>> A cop pulls him over.
>> 'So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?'
>> 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
>> 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to
>> drink this evening.'
>> 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
>> 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his
>> arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife
>> fell out of your car?'
>> 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.
>> 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
>>
>>
****************************************************************************
*******
>> Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
>> Finnegan arrives at her door.
>> 'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'..
>> 'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
>> where's my husband?'
>> 'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.' There was an
>> accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
>> 'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
>>
>> 'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
>> Finally, she looked up at Tim... 'How did it happen, Tim?'
>> 'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and
>> drowned.'
>>
>> 'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at
>> least go quickly?'
>> 'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
>>
>>
>>
****************************************************************************
******
>> Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
>> service, and she's in tears.
>> He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
>> She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
>> away last night.'
>> The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did
>> he have any last requests?'
>> She says, 'That he did, Father.'
>> The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
>> She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
>>
>>
>>
****************************************************************************
*********/_
>> AND_/**/_ T_/**/_HE_/**/_ B_/**/_EST_/**/_ F_/**/_OR_/**/_
>> L_/**/_AST_/**
>> A** drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,** **enters
>> a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.**
>> T**he Priest coughs a few times to get his** **attention but the
>> drunk continues to sit there.
>> **F**inally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
>> **T**he drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin,** **there's no
>> paper on this side either!'*
>>
>>
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