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| | From:  Serarae (Original Message) | Sent: 1/31/2004 6:11 AM |
Uncle Steve-O's Guide to Christian Dating
By Steve M.
Ever since I have passed from the realm of singledom to marriagedom, I have been seen as a source for dating advice. There is a biblical basis for this - persons looking for knowledge are instructed to seek wise counsel (Proverbs 1:5 and 12:15). I don't know if I would qualify my dating experience with Andrea as making me "wise" in this field, but I can tell you what worked for us.
When we first started dating, we were disappointed to discover a lack of literature in this field. If marriage books is what you're looking for, there is a cornucopia of authors and titles from which to choose. But with Christian dating books named, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," as one of the main titles out there, we were thinking that we may have to feel our way through the process. It is the goal of this meditation to make you realize some things about dating and to perhaps challenge your approach to it, whether it be to gain some courage or to cut it back.
First, let me say that I was a little hesitant to write about this subject because I fear that the points I make will become standards. Please understand that the points I make are intended as recommendations and should be taken as such. What worked for Andrea and I may not work for anyone else!
There are two main points I want to make up front. First, if God has a plan for you to be dating someone, you will date someone. The second point is that you must remember that you are dealing with men or women who are God's children, who must be respected with no selfishness on your part. I am assuming that you have a desire to date a Christian as your #1 priority in finding a mate. If not, read this first.
God's Plan
Once again it comes down to God's will. We are called to be content in life, no matter how much we would like it to be changed. Witness:
Ecclesiastes 2:26 - To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Ecclesiastes 3:12 - I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.
Ecclesiastes 5:19 - Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work-this is a gift of God.
Ecclesiastes 7;14 - When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.
Philippians 4:11-13 - I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
1 Timothy 6:6 - But godliness with contentment is great gain.
1 Corinthians 7 - Too long to list here, but this is the chapter where Paul says it is good to be single in addition to it being good to marry.
When reading through the Bible, you will come across many instances of how God has shown His power in changing lives. For example, Sarah and Abraham have a child in old age (Genesis 17:19), Rebekah gives birth to Jacob and Esau even though she is said to be unable to bear children (Genesis 25:21). Jacob's two wives, Leah and Rachel are also both barren, but God hears prayers and 'opens their wombs' (Genesis 29:31 & Genesis 30:22). All three of these passages are a testament to how God hears and answers prayer. If you are not content with where you are in life, petition the Lord in prayer, and He will either change your lot or help you to feel content.
This would be a perfect time to share the story of "where I was at" before dating Andrea and what happened. To understand the context of my views toward dating, you need to go back to 1998 when I had just moved to Lincoln from Illinois. I was in a relationship which automatically became long-distance with the move. Without going into details, this relationship ended poorly after about six months of living in Lincoln, and I had absolutely no desire to date anyone for two years. This was a period of great spiritual growth for me - the more I grew, the more I wanted to grow. After reading through 1 Corinthians 7, it makes perfect sense to me to realize that being in a relationship at the time would have meant splitting my time between my God and my girlfriend. Clear as a bell, I can remember the Saturday night I laid in bed, realizing that my spiritual growth was starting to taper off. What could I do to get this growth to pick back up? The first thing that popped into my head was that perhaps it was time to grow together with someone rather than by myself. I shared this thought with former singles pastor, Brian Edwards, in my small group the next morning before church, and we all prayed about it. That was in March, and Andrea first came to Young Singles in April. The point to this story I'm trying to make is this: don't get so wrapped up in what you want for yourself that you don't see or pray for what God wants for you. With the timing illustrated to me by God in meeting my wife, it was as though He was waiting for me to realize that I needed a higher reason for wanting to be in a relationship than just merely wanting one. Use this as a guide when praying for a boyfriend or girlfriend. God hears!
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Aretha Franklin wasn't the only female demanding respect, so I'll tell you what it means to me. When looking for someone to date, there is a tendency to think of potential dates in a somewhat demeaning way. This sets me up for making my second point: if you are a Christian and you ask out a Christian, he/she should be treated with respect, just like how God treats His children. Rather than being ambiguous, let me get specific in shooting down a secular practice: casual dating. I would have to say that this applies more to men than women, so my comments will be directed to the men. One aspect of casual dating means to do things together with someone, "Just as friends," which is just a cowardly way of selfishly reserving your right to back out of anything the moment you feel uncomfortable. Even with the understanding that you are out together as friends, since you are out one-on-one, there is still a feeling like it is a real date. Plus, throughout the evening together, there may be some subtle hints that one of you is interested on a level of more than casual interest (guys, if you don't know already, women are very astute in assessing hidden clues such as body language and tone of voice). Then you get into the whole mess of misinterpreting signs like that, being seen as leading her on, coming across as a player, and other things. The best way to prevent this situation is to not go out on casual dates. Casual dating is also having a list of "prospects" and having them ranked according to their qualities in your mind - if things don't work out with #1, you just move on to #2. This sort of practice means you are treating women like a commodity, in your mind they are objects which can be treated and traded at your whim. It is a selfish practice whereby you are placing yourself in a superior position above other people, even if it is only in your mind. Please, please get the notion of casual dating out of your heads, guys! The women you are seeing just a friends or who are on your list are your sisters in Christ - is that any way for them to be treated? Many singles groups - in and out of church - have a stigma of being a "meat market," where members are seen as vultures, circling around in search of new prey. Treating women with godly respect will help Christian singles groups set themselves apart from their secular counterparts.
Another thing, and this is intended for men and women, is that respect for the other person and unselfishness on your part is good training for marriage. I can't tell you how huge this is! Andrea and I are in a couples Bible study, and when we talked about being selfish, everyone mentioned that they didn't realize how selfish they were until they got married. In dating relationships, get in the practice of putting the other person first - not only will it show the person that you care, but it will also show you what it's like being a humble servant.
Other Advice for Date Seekers
Now that I have touched on those two foundations for Christian dating and added some other points, there is another kernel of knowledge I would like to implant for those who are looking for a date: get to know him/her in a large group setting first. The reason for this is simple: if your goal is to date an upstanding Christian person, you won't know if they are serious about their faith until you've seen their commitment to church. Asking out new people right away will reinforce meat market stereotypes while also placing yourself in a vulnerable position of finding out you're dating Dr. Jekyll...you won't know if he's also Mr. Hyde unless you get to know him first. Do they come to church often? Are they involved with one or more of the Young Singles teams? Folks, if these are things you are looking for, it makes sense that you would be doing them, too. It would be hypocritical to say you are looking for someone who is connected in the group if you aren't yourself. As Mr. Brian Edwards once told me: If you are looking for a princess, you need to do everything in your power to be a prince.
What Worked for Andrea and Me
This section is meant as techniques for people who are dating.
Before I touch on specific techniques, let me say that my relationship with Andrea was completely different than any other. In the past, I have been interested in women, but they haven't been interested in me. Likewise, I have known that women have been interested in me, but I haven't been interested in them. Then there is the whole timing thing. I've heard the "Let's be friends," line many times in my life because our goals and expectations at that time weren't in the same place. Plus, it seemed like right before I moved away from a city, I would meet someone who had some good potential (this happened three times). Bad timing! Even those times when I've been in a dating relationship, it seemed as though we eventually progressed to the same awkward moments. Is she my "girlfriend" and what would she think if I introduce her to someone like that? Are we "dating"? Those are just two of them, and they are the big reason why I was so turned off to dating for those two years. But my relationship with Andrea was everything I had imagined a relationship should be. We clicked right away, and the entire relationship - from first meeting to marriage - progressed so naturally that I never had one second thought about where we were in the relationship or whether or not we were progressing at a good pace. When you meet the person that God has intended for you, the relationship is this way - it's not difficult or a burden, it is refreshing and reassuring. With that said, here are some things that worked for us.
Read a Christian dating book and discuss the points. We read "I Gave Dating a Chance" by Jeramy Clark - click here or here for an overview. The bottom line is that no matter what you call it, whether it be dating or courtship, the end goal of finding a mate is the same. Don't get caught up in the legalism by calling it one thing over another. We read the book at the same time, but not always together. When we read it together, one person read it out loud. This was nice because then we didn't have to jot a note to remember to talk about it later - we just talked about it right then and there. It should be your goal to develop a relationship with strong communication, and this was an excellent first step for us.
Reading a Christian dating book also created a way for us to get rid of dating expectations because we talked about the things in the book, such as setting limits and the amount of time we should spend together. Every one of us has expectations for a lot of things: we expect our pizza to be delivered fast and hot, for our cars to run perfectly forever, and for our relationships to progress in a certain way and at a certain speed. One common difficulty with relationships is that the expectations you may have of your date are quite different than the expectations that person has of you - you don't have this problem with a pizza! There is a reason why I call expectations "The dreaded 'E' word". It all started with a girlfriend of long ago. We had reached the point where we were kissing, but I came to find out that she didn't think we were "dating". This puzzled me because my expectation was that since we were kissing, we must be in a relationship. It showed me that expectations can be a deadly thing to a relationship when not discussed openly. Since you are a Christian and you are dating a Christian (hopefully), there are automatically some expectations in your relationship based on biblical standards. Still, there is a lot of variation in expectations. If one person in the relationship thinks a 7 out of 10 is the limit of a particular area and the other person thinks 2 out of 10 is the limit, you still have expectations that need to be communicated.
Don't Pray Together. This may seem strange since we're talking about Christian relationships, but there is a good reason. I'm not talking about praying before dinner - I'm talking about the other, more personal prayers like what you say before bedtime or other time of day. The reason for this is that praying together can be a very intimate experience - so intimate, in fact, that your spiritual connection may be writing checks that your relationship can't cash. Aside from praying for food, Andrea and I didn't pray together until after we were engaged. In fact, one of the prayers I remember the most was right after I popped the question when I prayed for purity and strength for our engagement. Note: we told each other that we were praying for the other person - that's different from the actual act of praying. So if you're not praying together, how do you get to know the other person spiritually? You talk about sermons, Bible passages you've read which are interesting to you or are having a difficult time understanding, or what you heard in Young Singles, on the radio, in a conversation, or somewhere else. The point is that there is plenty of good spiritual conversation to be made out there which does not require the intimate spiritual connection of praying together.
Set Limits. If you read a Christian dating book together, chances are you will be forced to communicate your expectations about limits. There is a tendency to go too far, too fast in most relationships, so talking about and setting limits is an excellent way to keep each other accountable. Without talking about it, there will always be a 300-pound elephant in the room with you if you want to hold hands or kiss and you don't know where the other person stands. The limit varies with every couple. Some don't kiss until they say, "I love you." Some don't kiss until the pastor says it is okay for the groom to kiss his bride at the wedding ceremony. I remember asking Andrea if it would be alright if I could hold her hand while we walked (and she said yes!). Since we're married now, it seems a little bit silly, but at the time I didn't want to presume that she wanted to.
Don't be Afraid to Make Your Relationship Known. Gossip is a problem in nearly every singles group I have attended, and whom-is-dating-whom is generally the topic of most frequency. Gossip is spread when people think you might be dating someone - if they see you walking together, sitting together, arriving together, leaving together, or who knows what else. Why not just make it known? Really, there is no reason to keep it a secret, so don't be afraid to tell the truth if people ask. Another reason you should be open about whether you are dating is because then people will allow you to sit together at group functions, plus there won't be those awkward moments of having to tell someone that you are already dating someone else if you get asked out.
Breaking Up is Hard To Do
An added risk of dating within Christian groups is that if the relationship doesn't work out, you'll be forced to see him/her every Sunday. If it was a break-up with bitterness and resentment, chances are one or both will opt just not to come back for fear of awkward moments. I have seen this happen several times while I have been going to Young Singles, and it really is unfortunate. God created us all in His image to be relational people, and very few of us can remain sane without contact with other humans. But God also desires us to have a relationship with Him first and to have this relationship as the core for meeting and relating to others. It is a shame that a relationship with God can be impacted in a negative way when a relationship with another person fails. For this reason, it should be one of your goals to bring your dating partner closer to Christ. Picture a triangle in your mind with the broad base of the triangle at the bottom and the point at the top. God is at the top, you are the lower-left point at the base, and your significant other is the lower-right point. The closer you become to God (moving up the triangle), the closer God brings you to the other person. If you end up breaking up, at least you will know that you are closer to God and that you brought your date closer, too.
A lot of what makes breaking up difficult is not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings or just realizing that you don't want to be with someone for the rest of your life. You care for the person you're dating as a fellow brother or sister in Christ, but at the same time you want to make sure that you're not so humble that you don't get out of a relationship that isn't right for you. By not ending the relationship when you know it will go no further, you run the risk of the other person becoming more attached and, thus, perhaps more angry when it finally happens. Ideally, you both have your eyes focused on God and, while it may hurt when a relationship fails, you are able to cling to the fact that your safety and security is in Christ, the only truly perfect relationship you'll ever know.
I like statistics, and if you look at the number of people in the world - or even Lincoln or Lincoln Berean for that matter - the odds of you finding your soulmate are significantly small. But you don't find your mate on your own - God brings him/her to you when the time is right. Every failed dating experience up to that point is not necessarily bad: you find out more about yourself, you discover what you desire in a spouse and what you can't live with/without, you gain an understanding of how it must make God feel when we break our relationship with Him, and you reach a deeper understanding of God. Maybe this understanding is that you should take a breather from the dating pool - I went through a two-year period of dramatic spiritual growth when I swore off dating. On the other hand, maybe this meditation will make you desire to grow closer to the Lord through a godly relationship. With your eyes set firmly on God, He will bring what is best for you.
I am going to leave you with one more piece of imagery. Picture yourself running toward God with all your might and strength. You have your eyes firmly fixed upon Him. Then one day you catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of your eye. You glance over and see another person running toward God with all their might and strength, too. Since you are running in the same direction and with the same gusto, you decide to finish the race together, running toward God in a straight line and equally-yoked. In this Race of Life, a running partner isn't necessary, but if you do find someone to run with, thank the Lord for this blessing and keep running straight ahead.
I pray that this meditation has helped you realize a little bit about what it means to be in Christian dating relationship. Naturally, there is much more to relationships that a few pages on your computer screen. Be sure to seek wise Christian counsel for additional or more specific questions you may have.
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