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| | | From: Texasgal (Original Message) | Sent: 8/8/2004 6:13 PM |
Am I Ready to Date Again?
Written by Kenneth Sanderfer
This article is courtesy of Christian Single Magazine.
Question:
I'm a 32-year-old single mom with two children. My son is 9 and my daughter is 11. My husband was killed in an accident more than three years ago. The thought of dating has been foreign to me up until recently. Having children makes this decision more difficult for me. I want to do what's best for them, too. What are some qualities a single parent should look for in someone to date?
For many single parents the need not to be alone can get in the way of healing and cloud their judgment as they return to the dating scene. The fact that a considerable amount of time has passed and that you're warming up to the possibility of dating is a positive sign that you've worked through what certainly was the most difficult time in your life. Dating when you have children is a different ballgame, and it's good that you're considering their welfare. It's wise to think this through before courtship begins.
The power of emotions should never be underestimated. The life of most single parents is so busy that they seldom have time to process the emotional drain that comes with a loss and the daily stress of single-parent life. As a result, your personal, emotional need for adult conversation, attention, and physical touch are often put on the back burner.
The following questions explore a few qualities you should look for in a dating relationship when it comes to you and your children. Much can be learned about a person's potential as a stepparent during dating. Based on what we know about successful stepfamilies, answering these may prove helpful.
Has he honored your desire to introduce him to the kids in a slow manner?
Is he jealous of your kids? Does he demand an unreasonable amount of your attention?
Does he enjoy the kids' company?
Can he be playful and laugh about unexpected situations?
Is he comfortable leaving discipline up to you? Does he honor your discipline decisions? Does he tell you what you ought to do to make your kids behave?
When it comes to activities, does he have a tendency to force the kids into doing what he thinks is important without respecting their individual interests?
Does he have reasonable, age-appropriate expectations for them? Does he honor and respect the moral guidelines you've established for your children?
Is he sensitive to age-appropriate topics and ways of communicating respect to your children?
In stepfamilies, flexibility is a must. Does he tend to be rigid and non-accommodating?
How does he respond when you or the kids mention your late husband? Is he uncomfortable with this?
Is he willing or capable of being a sounding board for you as you discuss personal and child-related emotional concerns?
Does he try to talk you or your children out of being sad?
Do you and your children feel safe with him?
Is he a positive role model for your children?
Does he put you first?
Does he model positive behavior toward you and treat you well? In other words, would your children grow up seeing their mom treated with respect?
How do the children respond to him? Do they enjoy time with him?
Is he able to admit it when he makes mistakes and apologize?
Can he accept the forgiveness of others?
Is he capable of entering into honest dialogue about dissatisfactions or concerns you may have?
Do you respect him enough that you would want your children to grow up and be like him?
Granted, no one is perfect; if you enter into a relationship where you question any of the above qualities, then it's possible the ultimate test in character is ahead. It's also important to remember that these qualities don't manifest themselves overnight. Your relationship can't be rushed. You must go through all seasons with someone to adequately evaluate the person's character.
Kenneth Sanderfer is a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Nashville, Tenn.
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