Introduction In a discussion in another Comm with calie, one of the members here, she made a subtle but critically important point when she stated that manipulation is not something she views "as being submissive at all." I was struck by how she stated her point.  Rather than claiming that a manipulative person is not a submissive her focus was on the behavior as not being submissive. It is far more productive to identify behavior that undermines one's claim of being submissive (or dominant) as opposed to attacking the identity of the person. Doing otherwise usually leads to argument and justification rather than expanding understanding through discussion that might clarify the issue regarding manipulative behavior and submissiveness. Thinking more on what she had said, I began to have second thoughts and decided to review the literature on the topic of manipulation and those who practice it.  Let me pause here to make something very clear. It is true that almost everyone has employed some form of behavior that could be called manipulative. This article is not about those people. While any degree of manipulation can be damaging, manipulating people and/or situations from time to time does not constitute someone with a destructive, manipulative personality, which is the focus of this article. These are the individuals whose primary way of perceiving, coping, and interacting with other people and life events is to impose a veil of false reality on others to facilitate a pattern of chronically destructive, self-defeating, and habitual manipulation. What is manipulation? Research describes two forms of harmful/destructive manipulative behavior: 1) covert, passive behavior that attempts to control others to get needs met in an indirect manner and 2) overt, aggressive, hostile behavior directed against others to displace personal responsibility for their choices and behavior. While some people may rely more on one form than another they are not exclusive and the use of various manipulative behavior portrays a person steeped in what is commonly referred to as passive aggressiveness. Manipulation is a way of imposing control (power) over others by getting them to believe what the manipulator wants them to believe for the benefit of the manipulator. There is a strong correlation between studies on manipulators and bullies.  The main difference is that the manipulator tends not to resort to physical threats and attacks that seem to more readily typify the individual identified as a bully.  Like other bullies, however, manipulators lack integrity, do not respect peoples' rights, and regularly violate the boundaries of others.  Manipulators are simply bullies who rely on emotional blackmail rather than physical threat to get what they want. Manipulation is often misunderstood to be a "defense mechanism" meant to protect the manipulator from feelings of fear or hurt. On the contrary, people who chronically employ manipulation do so because they believe that others are able to be manipulated and therefore it is justifiable to exploit them to meet the needs which manipulators are incapable of doing for themselves. Thus, manipulation is more accurately understood as "active" or "aggressive" maneuvers employed to gain something for the manipulator rather than a "reactive" defense to protect the manipulator. The aggression of manipulators may not be obvious as their indirect expression of anger takes the form of contemptuous, seething hostility, moody complaints, resentfulness, petty spitefulness, carping criticism, verbal nitpicking, and preaching behavior. Manipulators attempt to disguise their aggressive behavior by claiming they are “strong-willed�?or exercising “assertiveness�?in their relationships with others.  This is erroneous because assertiveness requires personal integrity, respects the boundaries and values of others, and does not result in negative consequences for a person who is unable or unwilling to meet the needs of another.  On the contrary, manipulators tend to pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to disagree with, deny, or defy them, especially those who hold them accountable for their behavior. (Kantor, 1992; Stone, 1993)  The facades and fabrications of manipulators At their core, manipulators are conflicted with their self-worth and identity due to their lack of self-efficacy for developing an internal sense of value and worth. As a result, manipulators develop an overwhelming, unhealthy, and narcissistic need for attention. Rather than acquiring the skills necessary to be self reliant and self-enhancing they relate to other people and daily life out of self-interest, self-centeredness, self-aggrandizement, and self-preservation.  Manipulation becomes the familiar and "natural" way for manipulators to relate to other people and daily living in order to acquire and accomplish what they want through the efforts of others. Far less familiar and, therefore, "unnatural�?to the manipulator is the integrity and emotional maturity required to be aware of and accept rational, reality-based perspectives, healthy boundaries, and personal responsibility. Some manipulators adopt a façade to appear as if they possess a high sense of self-esteem. This façade is fabricated to disguise the internal conflict between their self-loathing and their need to be admired. In addition, the manipulators facade is used to justify why they often display a sense of moral superiority and hold grandiose expectations of entitlement. In order to affirm this mask of deceit, manipulators tend to make fraudulent claims regarding their personal experiences, levels of qualifications, titles, and affiliations. Manipulators are prone to being ambiguous and misleading because their claims are false and made up of distortions and fabrications. On the other hand, manipulators are just as likely to express feelings of unworthiness and display submissiveness. While overtly professing subservience (submissiveness) manipulators covertly calculate how to gain dominance. They rely on the goodwill and ethical consciousness of other people to respond to someone who appears to be suffering and make the best of their opportunities to exploit them. Acting helpless, lost, unloved, uncared for, befuddled, hopeless, confused, incompetent, and overwhelmed are ways of gaining the attention and involvement of others. Expressing feelings of little value or worth; extreme tearfulness; and perceptions of being ignored add to the image that the manipulator is a person who requires the care and attention of others.  Moreover, behaving in these ways present the manipulator as a victim of circumstances or the actions of others that evoke compassion and gain sympathy for them. Strategies of the manipulator Manipulators are adept at getting what they want from others. For many manipulators "outsmarting the other person becomes an art form and they become highly skilled at doing so" (Langston, 1997). Researchers who have studied passive, aggressive, and destructive manipulative behavior (Agassi 2005, Canning, 2005, Carruthers 2001, Hein 2006, Langston 1997, Lebelle 2000, Messina & Messina 2003, Morler 2004) demonstrate that manipulators and their strategies to obtain control come in a variety of styles and strategies. Lying: Manipulative personalities will generally stop at nothing to get what they want. They are prone to lie directly and completely as well as in subtle, covert ways when attempting to acquire what they want or are confronted with facts and truth about their behavior. They are skilled at being vague when asked direct questions and often "lie by omission" by withholding important facts or using “selective honesty�?in telling only parts of the truth. Denial: Manipulators frequently refuse to acknowledge or admit that they have acted in harmful or hurtful ways even when it is clear to a reasonable and rational person that they have. It is a tactic to "play innocent," as well as to make the other person appear and feel unjustified in confronting the manipulator’s behavior. Rationalizing: Manipulators offer reasons and excuses for "why" they have acted in inappropriate or harmful ways. This tactic is very effective because it often carries a grain of truth and makes just enough sense to convince others that the manipulator’s actions are justifiable. Manipulators typically will combine this tactic with others to reinforce their rationalizations. Minimization: Manipulators try to make "molehills out of a mountain" by asserting that their behavior isn't really as deceitful, harmful, or irresponsible as someone has claimed it to be.  In many cases the manipulator will exhort their target with accusations that they have misinterpreted what they were saying. Selective responsibility: Manipulators will frequently accept responsibility for a portion of their actions while ignoring the complete truth and facts of their behavior and the effect it has had on a person. This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for denial. It's when engaging in this tactic that manipulators actively ignore the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuse to pay attention to everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their hidden agendas.   Continued on the next page of this thread