I have been going through some challenging times lately. But I also know how wonderful those same times have been. I have been learning about myself, coming into a clearer sense of who I am. I think a lot of the ideas I had about being a submissive or what submission is, have been challenged. The things I thought I knew proved not to be as true. I had to experience things deeply to really learn what the above terms meant and accept the fact that those definitions will be added upon as I move forward in my journey.

Three years ago I had no concept that D/s would be a life calling; a true expression of myself, my nature and my passions. It is so apart of me, no ... it is me, as much as my freckles or my eye color or my fair skin. Its been hard for me to claim my nature, to own it, to really be proud of it. But the more I talk with people in this lifestyle I learn to embrace more and more.

I think over the last two months and all that has transpired, I learned to stop being ashamed of my needs and desires. I was recently taught how to dive into them for the pleasure of another and myself. I learned how deeply I can surrender to someone. I learned just how much I love to give. But, I have also learned a very hard lesson: you can submit to someone and not belong to them. I never thought you could. But at least for me, I did. I submitted SO much, I let go so deeply. I felt for Him, a longing and a desire I had NEVER felt for any man. He knew how to draw out the most hidden parts of myself. He allowed me to swim in the deepest pools of my imagination. He never judged my desires and His desire became mine. I told him once he played me like a musical instrument. I would lay in bed talking to him and he would bring me to the edge over and over with his amazing sexual commanding voice, denying me and me just falling deeper and deeper into him. The surrender is so sweet. And I would walk around days afterward thinking only of my desire to please him.

He commands me in ways I cannot express in words. And yet, I do not belong to him. The struggle I am dealing with is being ok with that. Looking at this as a learning experience; a stepping stone to self-discovery. I want to embrace it this way. But it is soo hard sometimes. Nothing would make me happier then for him to call one day and say, "get your ass here now, you are Mine and I am not letting you go." Then I wake up from that dream *giggles, and realize I am a big girl, and life simply doesn’t happen the way we want to all the time. Its hard though. I talk to girls who have a Master that allows them to be completely a slave, a sub, a prized possession. I read their writings and envy the fulfilling lives they lead. They live with their Masters. They serve on a daily basis. They have complete relationships. They cook, clean, care for the home, work, better themselves, strong intelligent females living lives that are truly what they want. And I think, that is what I want!! I want that with him!! And then I remember that I will never have that. Sure, it hurts BAD, it sucks, I spend many nights crying. Then I will talk to him or someone else and they remind me I can take something from this. And the sadness lessens.

Its easy to think you are all alone in what you experience that no one feels more dejected, depressed, lost, hurt, used, misunderstood .. Blah blah blah. But we are never really alone. When I get outside myself long enough to talk to someone else, I am reminded others have felt the same way. Others share in the same struggles, growth, discovery. They are faced with the same moments of self-doubt and loneliness. And these same courageous people have forged answers for themselves out of the confusion. This awareness helps me to move forward and right at the very moment I want to give up.

Right now I am just trying to find away to see the lessons being learned. To see that I am more a slave then a submissive with him and how proud that makes me. I am not a slave to others, but with I am *smiles. I am sure someday I will meet a Man that will evoke the same feelings from me. Perhaps, I have closed off that possibility by convincing myself He is the only that has ever gotten me and the only one who ever will. But I am sure fate isn’t that cruel.

My goals for myself right now involve accepting myself more. Loving the various aspects of who I am. Not being ashamed of my dark desires. Heck, just letting people get to know me, let them see all that I am and what I bring to any discussion. I want to be less timid, more robust, thoughtful all the things I know I am. I shock myself when I let them out in little glimpses. I need more confidence in my abilities. Part of me just wants to follow through on meeting this man, my Teacher, my lover, the one that rocks my world, so I can blow his mind with how much pleasure I can give him. *sighs* But then I wake and realize, I know and he knows we will both have pleasure, just that one of us is going to walk away feeling a piece of herself left behind.

But then maybe that is ok too. Living life is about LIVING. Not hiding from experiences. He makes me happy, I make him happy in ways he needs. I may want more but maybe I need to learn to enjoy what I am getting, instead of focusing on what I am not getting. Maybe all of this is preparing me for Someone else. Someone I don’t know yet. Someone who will step in, notice me, and decide to plunge right in *wooot. That would be cool. Until then, I will try to keep a more open mind about life. Try to enjoy all the twists and turns. Hope some of this made sense. My words are definitely caught in bunch today.