Thank you soul sis.  Everyone has been extremely supportive of my post.  Though sometimes i am not sure if what i am doing shows strength of character or just plain stupidity.  But that is the journey i am on.  I think i would opt to belong to this person, but as you said, there is something to be learned from the time spent with him.  Sometimes, a cloud of doubt looms over me and i wonder if what i am learning is simply to never do this again *smiles.  Today is one of those days.  The main lesson in this situation i think is believing you are a worthy person and slave, even when you are not possessed by the one you love.  Its hard to maintain that sense of worth sometimes.  Negativity seeps in and the strong person who loves to contribute to the larger world around her, becomes small and afraid and any sense of purpose slowly careens into nothingness.  I am left feeling like an empty shell.  But even in that darkness i maintain some hope all of this is not in vain.  Somehow what i surrender matters to Him, i matter to Him.  One day he will look and see the gift being laid at his feet and smile down upon me.  And i will no longer have to ask the question, "what is wrong with me?"  I never thought it was possible to love one man so much and that over time more love and admiration for this person still grows.  If nothing else i can say i loved a man very deeply and from the core of my heart i held nothing back.  To me that is life.  To take a chance and even if the outcome is not as you hoped; at least you can look in the mirror and say, "Well good god damn, at least i lived with some passion in life."  *Shrugs.  But then, the next question could be, is loving a person who will never return that affection truely living or is it more just hiding in a safe place?  Well, these questions will yield answers someday.  For now, i constantly ask for guidance and strength and the ability to made sound descisions for my life.  That is all i can do.  Thank you all for letting this girl indugle in her confusion once again.