dev my lovely little sissa

 

i was glad for your second post -it gave a nice sum up of those things runnin round in your brain..- But what made your question to me perfectly clear was the conversation we had in IM the other morning. i believe if my memory serves ...a few fury tears were shed... How funny those epiphanies come when you have first woken up and i am done with my day and exhausted- i think the timing is perfect.as long as there is tissue nearby *smiles*

 

i know exactly what you mean when you describe the importance of being strong. i know a bit about that too.  Sometimes, i have so many balls in the air it seems... and i can easily make myself believe that it is of paramount importance that i not only keep them well juggled - i never let anyone see im struggling  to keep them up or am nearing exhaustion.  For me it is not so much that my thoughts run in two different directions as much as i simply forget that sometimes the most important thing to submit to, is life, circumstance, things you cannot change or ignore. i suppose in that sense i do hide behind my wonderful juggling act- but it always catches up with me before long.

 

i've spent a lot of time developing my metaphysics.  ive found deep and well tried truths about myself, the grace i aspire to achieve, the wisdom i hope to follow in life.. the kind of woman i hope to be. These are things i try very hard to measure my actions by - The world is so full of people who are unaware of how they move through it- i am cautious to look around and constantly measure who i am.  I am so determined to live my life by these truths - to not find myself looking back on my life and regret the hypocrisy of it, that i can  forget to embrace the lovely faults of my humanity- i forget that a moment of weakness or exhaustion is as much a fact of going thru life as the truths i cling so vehemently to. i go and go and go - and when i finally cant go any further i sit in amazement at how all part of me wants, is to be held.  i want to crawl in my Masters lap and yes hide- from anything that needs my attention, anyone that needs me, any question i dont have the answer to. i want to believe His presence will erase the ache of every kind of hurt. i want to be lost in the protection and peace of that focused state where all i hear is His comforting, sure, voice, all i see is the blazing  pride and dark desire in His eyes- His smile, His scent... Is it wrong to put such a burden of need and want on anyone else when i and i alone am responsible for my life and how i live it ? Am i selfish to sit for just a moment as i ask myself that question and admit ..i honestly dont care if its wrong ?

 

I suppose because of the experiences i have known in my life i have learned that these moments that feel like quiet desperate weakness, are more about the strength to let go.  They are more about learning the lesson that even if one or all of those balls drop... life will go on, i will still be who i am , He will still be proud to love me.  i WILL get up and keep moving - More than likely i will in a short time, pick up all my beautifully colored balls ..throw them into the air with a smile on my face and start juggling again as well. i have learned to let myself have these moments without judging them too harshly later on.  They dont define me, they dont define the depth of my devotion or the character of my submission. They do not rule me or my heart.

 

As far as Those who love me, the ones who embrace the things i have to offer- There is another lesson to be learned here i find.  To be needed, to be leaned on, to be confided in by someone you love be they Dom, sub, or otherwise,- is important. As hard as it may be to 'submit' to the very human feelings of need, of desire, of sadness,of wanting to feel safe, it is one of the most intimate things we can share with someone we love.  i believe dropping that veil and allowing someone else to see our pain or our exhaustion and the extent their presence gives us peace and happiness or makes us feel better, is one of the all important ways we can validate those important people in our lives. If its a weakness to show our vulnerability, than it is a testament to the trust and love we give them to be vulnerable before them, to reach out to them when we need them, to tell them how much our love for them makes the hard times worthwhile. Learning the importance of being able to validate someone this way has been a hard lesson for me- but i am glad i have come to know this truth more than any other. i have been on the other side of that need. It is a beautiful thing to be allowed to comfort someone you know is strong and self sufficient. To think my arms would be a place of comfort and safety is something that has validated who i am in my life. How sad i would be to have never been given those precious opportunities.

Life is a tricky thing sometimes and second chances arent always there. Even if it feels like weakness, i do my best to put my feelings for people in this perspective, and be brave enough to validate their importance in my life by sharing my less than perfect moments with them occasionally. There are plenty of people who would say i have a lot to learn still in this regard - good thing learning is a lifelong process *smiles* All things willing, ill have a few more years to practice.

 

Of course there are boundaries, and yes there are lines that when crossed can create an unhealthy situation, but because i try as often as possible to allow perspective to enter in to my view of things, i remember, at the end of the day, i will still be responsible for my own life and how i lived it.  i will still be the one that is either satisfied or not with what i have done with every opportunity ive been given.  Me feeling vulnerable, me wanting to just float and needing someone to float with, has nothing to do with the responsibility i have to the many truths ive come to know.  i have come to trust myself to let go of the world every now and then - run to the succor of strong arms and a warm smile- or the sweet presence and sympathetic ear of a good mate.   i give myself that need every now and then freely and without the repercussion of shame or regret. i give myself that  moment of weakness if you will, with the understanding that i hold up pretty well in the world 90 percent of the time ...well ok maybe 80...well ok the actual percentages may vary...*grins*- ill give myself some wiggle room there, and simply trust it will all work out in the end.

 

With much love always,
SteeLs pet
~fury~