Wow. It's amazing how life works and when you MOST need to read something there it is. Thank you dev, thank you fury. I would like to offer some thoughts to this discussion as well.

I think your question dev sums up the conflict I have tried to sort out since I first discovered D/s nearly 5 years ago now. And fury's response to it, sums up the journey I am now finding myself coming full circle on.

My experience in D/s has for the most part been a series of misunderstandings ... about definitions, expectations, and my own desires. I often here myself say, "But I thought that was what submission was???" To give of yourself completely, to endeavor to please the Dominant, to be subservient at all times, and put your needs to the side, always. Where did I get all this from? I have no idea lol. I guess I absorbed these notions along my path and when I found them to come into direct conflict with the girl that lived deep inside me, I immediately made it an identity crisis and measured my worth and value as a submissive, woman, human, partner, lover ... what have you, on the fact that I was NOT always docile and meek. It wasn’t until recently that I entertained another notion: who you are as a submissive is as unique and special as who you are in any other part of your life. If you have a proclivity to speak your mind, or think critically over situations, or have strong opinions on a wide variety of subjects, does not make a woman or man less a submissive or a treasure to his or her Master or Mistress.

Soooo, I believe the same can be said of the times when you feel like you just want to melt into that amazing feeling of knowing you are protected, loved, cherished, and your Master or Dominant takes the reigns and assumes that special place in your life. I don’t think its wrong or weak to give of yourself in that way, just as fury expressed; rather I agree with her that is a mark of your strength as a submissive to let those parts of your self-reliant, self-possessed femaleness go (not abandon forever) and ... surrender those most delicious parts of yourself. Its what draws us to this type of exchange as submissive woman and what makes who we are incredibly unique. To be strong and able to endure so much, and yet when the moment calls for it, to surrender so completely.

On the other hand, dev I wonder if I can relate to your question another way. The cold hard fact is as a submissive, when you do give of yourself completely to Someone you love and trust and you end up hurt in that relationship, I know for myself, I begin to wonder whether is worth it or even healthy to be so vulnerable to another human being. This is where the conflict goes into the full swing for me because I always strive to be independent and not need anyone, because of where I came from in my own life. I learned early on from watching my mother, that being dependant on someone can leave you with no sense of self. And that is something I have always struggled against. On the other hand, my desire as a submissive is to give of myself. In its purest form my submission is an expression of love, commitment and a deep and inexplicable desire to please the Man I love. But I am very hard on myself, as I think all of you are on yourselves. And when I step out of a disappointing situation, where I have committed fully, expressed love from my core, surrendered all my instincts at the door and trusted with my whole heart, only to be told that certain aspects of my personality, such as boldness, directness, honesty, are not desirable qualities for the Dominant I longed to serve - then yeah I wonder if all I did was hide in my submission to this person so I didn’t have to deal with the fact that I am alone now in this world, since my mother died, and what I want more than anything is to be in love and give the best parts of myself to a loving relationship with a Man that gets me and sees my wonderfulness.

Takes a breath.... I think its just this simple. If you are not in a strong place in your life, than you are in danger of losing yourself in the act of submission. Its easy to think that submission means surrendering your ability to think and reason. It doesn’t. You are still responsible for your actions, choices and who you are. And like fury has often told me, in one form or another, you have to get to know the woman you are, love her, and don’t compromise on that. You have to have a life of your own, even within a D/s exchange. The challenge is finding the balance and being wise enough to know what is ok for you to give of yourself and what is simply off the table. And I HAVE to believe a wise Dominant understands this too and cherishes the strong woman you are, loves that about you and appreciates all the more when you melt to your knees next to Him.

What I have learned up to this point is that I have chosen this path because I believe in what I am doing, that is, wanting to submit to the right person and to serve him and to learn all the wonderful ways I can be submissive, for him and as an expression of who I am. I could no longer stop being a submissive then I could stop having freckles. Its fundamentally a part of my core, but so is being strong and self reliant. When my life becomes seemingly unmanageable and I feel so alone or so lost, I want my Master dammit! lol. Not necessarily to give me permission to stop living, but maybe just to listen and be empathetic. But more than any other time in my life I see the importance of not "needing" but rather "wanting" someone. If I become dependant on my Master for my life's happiness than I believe I am setting myself and Him for disappointment. However, I think within a "healthy" relationship, both parties strive to make each other happy.

I know intuitively that right now I need to reconnect with the girl I shoved in the top left cubbord. I learned more misconceptions I had about D/s and now I am working on defining things for myself. I will tell you I won't give myself to Someone who will not treat that gift with care. And this is where being self-reliant and ok with being on your own comes into play. I wont allow myself to go down that rode that submission is bullshit just because I trusted the wrong person, but rather, perceiving a new awareness that giving everything of yourself before the Other offers an iota of himself to you, is probably not the wisest course of action.

Wow did I even respond to the question posed? I am not sure now, but what I said came from heart and its where I see things at this point. I love all of you and you all have taught me a great deal since I have been a member of your community. Oh and this discussion is wayyyy better than the uhhhh stuff I have read in the other comms.

all my love

syd