Dear dev:
As you have described it, “handing over the reins�?is something you want for a temporary period of time rather than a fixed state. I see this as something affirming rather than a situation of being taken advantage of. It is complimentary in that it is “a testament to the trust and love we give them to be vulnerable before them�?as fury points out. These sorts of life episodes can also become fertile ground for the growth of intimacy in the process of exposing our vulnerability, which is not always easy.
Making one vulnerable to another is hardly a weakness. It takes strength to let another person “in�?that door that leads to the tender, sensitive, and possibly raw places in My life. Strength is wasted when I use to prevent that door from opening to shut out those who have demonstrated they can be trusted to tread lightly and respectfully attend to whatever vulnerabilities I might expose.
In a context more specific to D/s, wanting to hand over the reins is similar to the perspective of how much one’s leash is held by the dominant and how much is held by the submissive. For whatever reasons the desire to hand over more of one’s leash comes about, I would view it as an opportunity for a dominant to take on more control, more responsibility, and to provide a greater degree of guidance. To be productive, holding one’s leash needs to be fluid in order continue finding the balance necessary for the relationship to be mutually satisfying and fulfilling.
Moreover, it is healthy to recognize that this is not limited to submissives only. Life events will also require dominants to “loosen their grip�?in order to hand over more of the leash to the submissive. Just as it is neither a sign of weakness nor an act of “taking advantage of something precious�?for a submissive it is also not an indication of diminished dominance when life events and conditions call for an alteration in roles.
As used here, it appears that the perspective of “hiding in service�?vs “living in service�?are two separate entities with the “hiding�?having a negative connotation to it. Sydney points out that �?�?. yeah I wonder if all I did was hide in my submission to this person so I didn’t have to deal with the fact that I am alone now in this world, since my mother died, and what I want more than anything is to be in love and give the best parts of myself to a loving relationship with a Man that gets me and sees my wonderfulness.�?nbsp; In general, as well as specifically to you syd, I’d suggest that it is not an either/or situation and that you, like others, may have been doing both �?living in service while also hiding in the comfort of it.
I am going speak about someone who could fit the description of hiding in service. Until you raised the question dev, I had not thought of her in this way but can easily apply this perspective to her. She was eventually accused by some as not being a submissive at all, which I think is the equivalent of the hiding vs living in service perspective.
This individual joined a group with every intention of preparing for and meeting a Life Master. She participated in and completed a year of intense didactic and experiential education with her training group and then entered into a formal relationship in which she was in service to her training dominant. She was regularly in service both platonically as well as erotically to numerous dominants within the group during her two years of participation. During the first year of her involvement, her investment of time and participation in the group was quite extensive as she was single and had no children. Her commitment to the formal training relationship was the proverbial 24/7 in that she lived with her trainer. Suffice to say, she was immersed in living in service in almost anyway you care to imagine. I point this out to dispel any notion that she was only hiding in service because there was no chance for her not to also be living in service, given her chosen circumstances.
During this period of her life she accepted the imposition of structure that provided her with clearly articulated, measurable, and achievable goals while also diminishing the stress and anxiety of making decisions. In return, it was acceptable, comfortable, and fulfilling to live in service to another and other members of the group. So rather than being a matter of taking advantage of someone or something, I would say she simply took advantage of the opportunity at hand to explore and apply her submissiveness as fully as possible. If by doing this she served or met some of the wants and needs in her life I am also confident that she was still serving her Mistress as well as other dominants. Once again, I do not see this as an either/or situation but a mutually satisfying and fulfilling involvement for all concerned.
The outcome for her was to grow stronger and more confident in herself and gain the ability to actually welcome some of the challenges of life she may have been avoiding. Her interests expanded to the point that living in service evolved into something quite different than what she thought she wanted, expected, envisioned, and eventually lived out. In hindsight, she might look back with a perspective that perhaps she was hiding from other parts of life and the world in the style of service she lived at this time in her life ... but only relative to how she lives her life and manifests living in service in the much broader and different ways she does today.
Like you dev, she yearned “to slip under the blanket of certainty that comes with just being the submissive�?nbsp; She too wanted and needed to close off parts of her life, both emotionally as well as mentally for a period of time. Like you syd, she also wanted to be loved and was willing to “give the best parts of herself�?including her submissiveness, to achieve that. Like both of you, she was also defining herself, her life, and her submissiveness. Living in service as she did may also have been hiding in service but it was a time and place for her that allowed her to become more of the person as well as submissive she wanted to be. Today she is no longer on the active rolls of the group, she owns her own home but rents it out because she now is part of an International Critical Response team and travels the world to assist when disasters occur. She also knows she is capable of loving and is lovable herself.
As for your final thought dev, there was a band �?yeah, yeah, one of those old time bands from the 60’s �?called the Byrds that shared a similar perspective of life as you �?/FONT>
Ahh but I was so much older then,
I’m younger than that now
(From My Back Pages)
Such insights only come from taking the journey within
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