Pain, a simple four letter word that can cripple us with fear, anxiety, stress. On the flip side..with breathless anticipation, excitement and raw lust. I was out and about in the great ole world of online and came across a thread that had me nodding and yepping and even squirming a little in my seat. A few things come to mind for me, and i have to admit i get very confused. Having had a moment in my past where i was very much a victim, and it was a violent act, i feel somewhat dirty and ashamed for craving such things. As though saying what happened at the time was ok.
Am i nuts to say that pain for me sometimes returns my equilibrium? Makes me more at ease in my skin, grounded. It is a greater release in some ways for me. The cup runneth over and needs be emptied, and for me that seems to be one of the only avenues of my psych to do so.
There are so many ways to experience pain. In the thread i read they referred to it as random acts of violence...with which i take issues, because with a title like that, to me it is not at all what i mean. A smack on the butt, a tightfisted hair pulling kiss, thrown down to one's knees ect... foreplay!!...lol Least to me it is, and sometimes i get the (pardon my language here) "grudgefuck" syndrome. It is not simply a sexual thing, it is an all consuming need for me and i say need because i am rather lost, unbalanced and distracted until i can work it out. It is to be pushed to the very outer edges of myself be it with pain, or brute force.
I am so digressing from my original thoughts here, but will continue on further. lol Let's go where i seldom allow myself to go publicly ( swallows)
...its craving having fingers wrapped tightly around my throat, closing off my breath as the blackness edges in, only to find the light once more in a euphoria, the primal feeling of being used with little regards to my own feelings, its the bondage, the flogging, ect... and yet its not enough, i need more!! Which of course contradicts so much in my mind, yet i cannot help the feelings. My biggest fear would be to not know within myself how much is enough?
The ultimate question comes down to this...is this something you find you need, crave or want? To what degree? How does it make you feel? Or does this simply make you curl inwards and wonder at the perversity of the world?
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