Dear teaz:
After the discussion we had it is going to be difficult to stay within the framework of your post and I’ll do My best to not ramble. Maybe another time we can discuss this in the context of D/s.
1) Emotions you have felt while jealous ie: anger, fear, envy
First off, I’ve learned that jealousy is a waste of emotional energy that, left unchecked, can become debilitating. Rather than being a singular emotion, it is a collection of emotions �?fear, anger, hurt, etc. The intensity of these feelings are the culmination of distortions in how I perceive Myself and the conditions of My life.
Beyond the feelings of anger, hurt, and fear I have felt a sense of injustice, betrayal, and the impotence of “how could you!�?nbsp; Now whether or not these are emotions is certainly debatable as they all are grounded in anger, hurt, and fear. I think that what we consider to be jealousy is a seemingly unending swirl of those three that we assign different terms, interpretations, and importance to.
2) Things that you believe may have triggered jealousy for you ie: cheating, past relationships, self esteem
The most significant episode of jealousy in My life was brought on by an incident of infidelity by My former spouse. With the benefit of hindsight I can look back at it now as one of the greatest opportunities in My life to become who I am today. It is hard to even imagine Myself back then compared to now.
The sense or feeling of betrayal was a combination of hurt, fear, and anger �?all of which I truly did not deserve. These feelings were reasonable based on the actions of My former spouse. What became unreasonable, destructive, and a waste was how these feelings overwhelmed My daily living. Of course these feelings were fed by My investment in the act of her betrayal which was at times all consuming. It was like being in the middle of the deep end of the pool and not being able to grab hold of the ladder or sides �?just a constant attempt to keep My head above water. My self esteem was definitely affected, My sense of worth as well as what direction to take in My life.
One mistake I made was to give My spouse more understanding than I gave Myself. This was self-defeating in that it required Me to look at things through the distorted perceptions of her eyes, about Me, the conditions of our life together, and the expectations I placed on Myself. The lesson learned was that I am a very understanding human being but it does not mean that I must tolerate or accept things that erode My quality of life.
Another mistake was attempting to make things better for My former spouse. In hindsight I can see that several of My core values or beliefs were tested and changed by this “give till it hurts,�?nbsp; “love will conquer all,�?and “all people are capable of changing.�?nbsp; As much as these concepts were part of My positive self-identity and worth then, to challenge and modify them was empowering without the loss of self esteem. If anything, the changes in perception led to a more rational and healthier foundation for self-esteem.
Having gone through this episode in My life I adopted two important beliefs I live by now �?1) Never waste your goodness and beauty on those who do not value it, and 2) Let people be, don’t try to change them �?don’t try to open their eyes unless you can guarantee that you have something better to offer than the misery they choose to gallivant in (Kazantzakis).
You raise this point somewhat in your post and we discussed it in the room �?jealousy is often recognized by the behavior that results from My fear, hurt, and anger over the actions or conditions of another person. On this point I would say that while I am still capable of “feeling�?jealous I have learned how not to act on it in self-defeating or destructive ways. Some might misinterpret it as indifference while it is actually an active process of maintaining a balanced and reality based perspective of life events.
I would say that this episode and the changes I made had a profound effect on My life in general and was the catalyst for moving from being someone who practiced kink and BDSM into a more formal and structured involvement in D/s. The act of having someone significant to Me being sexual with someone else morphed from the insanity of jealousy into something that is a great pleasure and avenue to intimacy.
I hope this is what you were looking for
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