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Jealousy is a really interesting topic to explore and I really enjoyed reading Shifting Wind’s piece, one I could relate to in many ways. I think jealousy can manifest itself for many different reasons. Jealousy finds its way between friendships, relationships, and even within familial bonds. It has the power to overwhelm all rational thought and include an array of other emotions such as anger, resentment, sadness and fear. I don’t think I have experienced jealousy of others until the ending of my last relationship. Before that, I never gave much thought to my partner finding another. I just believed the person was with me because they wanted to be and saw emotions such as jealousy counter-productive to the relationship. If I had an issue, I would talk about it and the matter would be resolved for the most part. I didn’t walk around with doubt or anxiety. And I have to say I never felt jealous of a friend. I tend to be around people I consider intelligent and thoughtful; I don’t care about material acquisitions, and if I see someone who posses charm and grace, I admire and appreciate those qualities, not feel threatened by them.
But my ability to remain level headed in a relationship was greatly challenged in the last experience I had with a Man. It was never really a healthy relationship to begin with. And I know I have talked about this experience in past writing so forgive me for re-visiting it once again here, but I feel it is very pertinent to the subject-matter we are discussing. Like Shifting Wind, the person I was with was unfaithful and lied about his unfaithfulness for a very long time. Of course it was not a marriage and he and I never met; regardless, for me it was a very important commitment. The depth of my devotion to him was unlike anything I had before experienced with a person and I think that is what made the heartbreak harder to bear. I had no frame of reference for what was happening to me. In fact, I had complete faith in him, even when others told me their opinions. It wasn’t until he told me himself he had playmates for months that I finally crashed.
When I was finally told the truth, I wanted to know more. I wanted to know everything. Circumstance I think plays a large part on how jealousy manifests within a psyche and I think in my case, I had been living with doubt for a long time, and when I confronted him about it he had a plethora of excuses to draw upon and if those didn’t work he resulted to screaming insults. It was enough to keep me quiet a little longer. But when I was faced with the truth, I began to hunger for all of it. I wanted to know who they were, what their names were, how long it had been going on. Did it happen on the same nights he had been with me? It went on and on. I was told later he was in a new relationship with one of the girls he had been with. I was crushed further. Who was she? Why her? How could you?? The very same questions Sir asked himself. One really does feel rejected, cast aside, humiliated, angry, enraged, and in the end a bit lost. It is a major jolt to one’s sense of reality when the person they truly love has betrayed them in the most unimaginable ways. And I am not sure anyone is really prepared for something like that in life.
So the emotions take over while rational behavior takes a back seat. I found myself thinking things that actually scared me. I could see myself from the outside and was disgusted with how obsessed I was. I would try to talk myself out of it, “STOP STOP, move on, he’s a jerk who cares???�? Well, unfortunately, I think it takes a while to come back from that dark place once you give in to it. The insecurities I had multiplied and I realized that my worth had been entirely measured by whether this man was happy with me or not. And when he left, I saw myself as the biggest failure to walk the earth. I wanted to die.
It took a lot of time and hard work to will myself out of that negative place. And I really thought I had come through the other side of it, until his new girl started appearing everywhere online. I remember sitting there stunned. I had spent a great deal of effort making sure I didn’t see her or him. Hiding had really worked for me up to that point. And there she was, right in front of me, and I had to face it. All of the irrational thoughts came flooding back. I seethed as I watched her talk, decided I hated her (even though I didn’t know her at all) and I wanted revenge sooo bad I could hardly breathe. In my mind it was bad enough the man I loved cheated on me and left me for another, but now I had to see her?? It felt like another insult and humiliation I was unwilling to endure. Somehow I did though. And as I sat there controlling every insane urge to confront her, I was talking myself through the emotions. And I came to the following conclusion: It was not her fault - she never knew the man she was getting to know was in a relationship. She wasn’t coming to the rooms I was in to torment me, she had no idea who I was. Truth be told, she actually seemed like a nice girl �?smart and funny. She was not the problem. I had to deal with my feelings of rejection and get over what happened, plain and simple. And I am still dealing with these feelings. I am still trying to bury a lot of the irrational emotions and see them for what they are �?they are just feelings, they do not have to rule my life. There comes a point when sitting there stewing serves you no purpose and you have to make the decision to live again. There is really no other way to heal.
It is interesting to look at all of this from an objective eye; especially, when two seconds ago you were in the throes of a jealous conniption. I feel slightly more able to study it, understand it, and slowly a day at a time let go and move on. I do believe some of our worst heartaches happen to set us on a new path, a better one. And whether we embrace that opportunity depends greatly on how open we are to change versus stasis. Sometimes the only thing you can do to get over an emotion, such as jealousy, is grab your demon right by the shoulders and look it dead in the eye without flinching. Dare yourself to be bold, see your worth and realize you are better than some pointless bit of self-pity. Like SW Sir said to me, sometimes you just have to fug it. *smiles*
Jealousy is horrible though, as are her sister emotions. I hated being in that place but I think being aware is really the key to most of our happiness - awareness of the underlying issues that fuel Jealousy and vow to work on them and realizing your own personal worth. One thing that helped me (as silly as it sounds) was looking in the mirror and seeing myself reflected back to me without that reflection filtered through his approval. It’s an empowering feeling to see yourself and be at peace with the person you are.
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