Jealousy

Jealousy is a topic that is not discussed in a well thought out rational manner very often. This subject is generally a part of an emotional reaction to a threat or perceived threat to a persons emotional attachment on another. It is a topic that fascinates me for a number of reasons. The main one being that I could not identify with the jealous behavior I saw in others. It just made no sense to me. Another reason is that it hurts me to watch people I care about torn up by jealousy. So I thought I would try to learn more about it and I enjoy digging into deep subjects like this in an essay format.

One of the first things I do when studying a topic is to look up the generally accepted definitions. This posed a problem with jealousy as there is no generally accepted scientific definition. I turned to Wikipedia and to my friends for input and my own past observations.
This is Wikipedias definition:

"These definitions of jealousy share two basic themes. First, all the definitions imply a triad composed of a jealous individual, a partner, and a third party rival. Jealousy typically involves three people. Second, all the definitions describe jealousy as a reaction to feeling threatened. Jealous reactions typically involve aversive emotions and/or protective behaviors. These themes form the essential meaning of jealousy in most scientific studies."

A good friend of mine also has a definition which I found set well with my own views

Shifting Wind -"First off, I’ve learned that jealousy is a waste of emotional energy that, left unchecked, can become debilitating. Rather than being a singular emotion, it is a collection of emotions �?fear, anger, hurt, etc. The intensity of these feelings are the culmination of distortions in how I perceive Myself and the conditions of My life."

and yet another friend

dev -"i'd liken it to the difference between someone admiring my necklace and me offering to lend it to them as opposed to trying to slip it from my neck when i'm not looking"

Almost all definitions agree that it is a combination of emotions released in reaction to a threat or perceived threat of loss concerning someone you care about. One of the things that strikes me most in my own observations is that in many cases it is an overreaction to reality or perceived reality, rather than just your basic emotional reaction. Validating in my mind Shifting Winds statement that the intensity is based on how you perceive yourself and your life at that time. In most of the cases of jealousy I have personally witnessed, the person exhibiting jealous behavior seemed to have little to no control over their reactions. This is not only scary in the short term but the long term as well.

The relationships over now, the jealousy should end right? Wrong! I have seen people carry a bitter jealous rage from one relationship to the next. Some might be able to keep it from creeping into subsequent relationships but will still turn bitter at the mention of that past relationship.

Rochefocaulds maxim -"jealousy is always born of love; it does not always die with it"

In many ways it is a passionate response to a threat to our emotional well being and possibly physical, psychological and social well being as well. The main difference that I see between jealousy and other intense passionate responses is jealousy's ability to outlast any relationship. So while it may have a tie to passions, that also does not identify the full scope of this emotional plague. It has the ability to transform people who are extremely sane, reasonable and well adjusted under all other circumstances into emotional wrecks. This in my mind makes studying jealousy and its effects almost vital. These overreactions can sever relations, imbue a lifetime of bitterness, hurt your children, affect future relationships and basically just make you miserable if they aren't dealt with. The effects of jealousy are seen throughout life from sibling rivalry to full blown bitter divorce cases. One of the people who responded to my request for input put in a marvelous excerpt about childhood jealousy.

Sir Ulrich -My mom never cared much for cooking, but on Saturdays she liked having croissants or sticky buns with eggs and bacon, and coffee. So one of us, usually my sister (she was the only girl?) would get to eat with her. My brother and I could come down later and have cereal. Jealous? Yeah, that made me jealous, because my sister got to enjoy not only the food but my mother's time, and boy I wanted to change that.

He also stated he does not blame his siblings for the events and learned how to deal with jealousy from those incidents.

Sir Ulrich -I learned that we don't treat everyone the same, no matter what familial words are wrapped around it; yes, parents have a favorite, and on any given day you may or may not be it. So wasting my time and energy on jealousy was just that, a waste.

The ones who act out in jealousy or feel the emotional takeover to the point they are afraid they will act out have not discovered the means to redirect that negativity. And that in my opinion is a hard thing to impart to others. Dealing with intense emotions effectively seems to vary from person to person as does the success of the efforts to do so.

sydney -So the emotions take over while rational behavior takes a back seat

faith -you see jealousy can bring so much pain, that a person can really get more sicker..it is a feeling that i don't ever want to deal with again..i was never a jealous type, i was care free and happy, but things in life can bring so much pain when you don't expect it, and cause a wave of anger and sorrow..

rose -When i am thousands of miles away i am more prompt to go to the wrong conclusions : Maitre is online and not paying attention to me : surely He is talking to someone else ! one overlooks His team playing on the TV... Him finishing that work... His ex on the phone... The green eyed monster does that.

Shifting Wind -The sense or feeling of betrayal was a combination of hurt, fear, and anger �?all of which I truly did not deserve. These feelings were reasonable based on the actions of My former spouse. What became unreasonable, destructive, and a waste was how these feelings overwhelmed My daily living. Of course these feelings were fed by My investment in the act of her betrayal which was at times all consuming. It was like being in the middle of the deep end of the pool and not being able to grab hold of the ladder or sides �?just a constant attempt to keep My head above water. My self esteem was definitely affected, My sense of worth as well as what direction to take in My life.

As all these quotes show the person who felt injured chooses to act out or to suffer silently. All people feel hurt, anger, betrayal, fear and many other emotions in relationships. How much we choose to let others actions affect our lives and to let those emotions have their way is entirely up to us. We can choose to let go of the negativity and I don't mean to minimize the hurt or the very real impact betrayal or loss of someone we love has on us, just to show that we can control how we react and deal with the situation at least to some extent.

Shifting Wind -One mistake I made was to give My spouse more understanding than I gave Myself. This was self-defeating in that it required Me to look at things through the distorted perceptions of her eyes, about Me, the conditions of our life together, and the expectations I placed on Myself. The lesson learned was that I am a very understanding human being but it does not mean that I must tolerate or accept things that erode My quality of life.

I have used a lot of quotes in this essay, far more than my norm, however I was so impressed by the quality of thought that these individuals placed into their responses. The one above says it all to me in how one should deal with those kinds of intense emotions. Bottom line, Be kind to yourself.

I am going to veer a bit off the path this essay is taking for a few minutes to touch on an area that has not been mentioned yet. Manipulating feelings in jealousy in others for your own agenda. Purposely trying to incite the type of reactions we have been discussing in someone whom we know may still have feelings for us. Flaunting a new relationship, discussing personal tid bits in public etc. These things are hurtful and in my opinion if they are done to try to win someone’s affections back are almost certainly doomed to failure or worse will lead to a jealous and suspicion filled relationship.

I am going to post the rest of the most quotable quotes as a reply to this essay. They are all fantastic and worth quoting. I want to thank my F/friends for contributing and helping me to understand a little better what lies behind the Green Eyed Monster.