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| | From:  krissaean (Original Message) | Sent: 9/6/2006 9:08 PM |
| When i think about the begining of my life, its mixed emotions. I dont have a whole lot of clear memories for many years, i have one memory in first grade about 6 years old. I have one memory of third grade and a few of fourth and much more of fifth and that age. It bugs me not remembering so much, hearing things that happened and i was more than old enough to remember but i dont, its like hearing about someone elses life when i hear some stories, they have no meaning for me. From before i was born until i was about 10 or 11 my dad was a very severe alcoholic and wife beater, all around very bad bad temper and anger. I have some really good childhood memories but they all have the cloud of what went on mostly at night when my dad got home from the bar. My first memories of my dad and mom fighting are me and my sister at relatively young ages hiding, either hiding under tables, behind a corner, under covers in bed and hearing the screaming, the smashing of things, glass and such and being so utterly terrified. There was one time my sister and i had bunkbeds and i had top, well that night they were fighting and my sister came up top with me and my parents were downstairs fighting bad, my mom runs up the stairs and we can see in the hallway she runs to the bathroom and tries to lock herself in there but my dad was too quick, he pushed it open and (i didnt see this part only learned of it later) picked up a nearby hairbrush to hit her with. She came running into out room after that crying and screaming to us, "Look what your father did to me"...i dont remember anything after she said that, its like the lights suddenly went out. Awhile back i finally asked my sister what happened after mom came in that one time, she said she cant remember that good either but they fought in front of us for awhile and the police were called at some point i think. Another time that sticks out for me, my sister and i were downstairs in the living room when they started, my dad screaming and yelling, my sister and i crawled under this corner table that had a long tablecloth over it so we were hidden under it and listened. He was throwing things at my mom, and one of those things was his cigarette, he threw it but missed and it went behind the couch. My mom and dad started looking for it not wanting to start a fire. I was soooo freaked out, i was crying and slowly walking to the front door begging that i be allowed to go outside, to stand on the porch until they found it, i was so sure the whole house was going to just go in flames any minute lol. But i didnt get to go out, they couldnt find the cigarette either and i spent the rest of that night in a terror panic thinking that any moment a fire was going to kill us all. Another time, my sister and i were in a big bed this time sharing a bed, we had been asleep it was late, the bars had closed and my dad came home and went to take a shower, he couldnt find the bar of soap to shower with, he started screaming and yelling and turning on lights and woke us up demanding we find the soap now! Both of us were crying searching for that soap, i dont remember anything after that either but from my mom i learned we has used it that day to wash our barbie doll clothes in a lil bucket and forget to return it to the bathroom. I remember once not eating my food at dinner i dont know why and my dad sat with me yelling at me until i ate it all, i was crying and he was screaming, i puked all over the floor after trying to eat it. Those are almost all the memories i have of many years of my dad like that, i know there are so very many more, my sister has told me of some she remembers but i dont, i know its prolly good but it still bothers me. I know for a fact my dad drank every night, every night and was drunk and fought almost every night and that was for around 10 years, and i can only recall a half dozen or so? There were some wonderful times as well though, picnics were a big one our family took alot of picnics to parks and the mountains. I learned to fish from my dad, he would get us all up at 4 in the morning and drive for a couple hours in the mountains till sunrise and we would spend the day fishing. We used to go to drive ins alot and attractions around the city, i loved those. There were times my mom left my dad, most of them i dont remember but have heard, a few i do, i think no longer than a week or two was the longest. And there was one time my dad went to jail for awhile, my sister remembers it because he was gone for weeks but all i remember was my dad calling me into the bedroom and telling me goodbye once and that he would miss me. Through all of this and to this day my dad has always been almost like a god to me in some ways, to me hes always been the smartest, the best, a man who knows everything and isnt afraid of anything and can do anything lol and i love him to death hes my dad. Its only recently i can see some of his faults and admit he doesnt always know the answer lol. He was hard on us alot, i know he had a very hard childhood himself, he cant stand laughter, i know thats weird, but when we had friends over and we would start laughing too loud omg, he couldnt take it, he would scream at us for that. One of my dads favorite sayings for me and my sister was "thick headed" lol For years he worked very hard labor jobs, roofer, plumber, carpeting, electricity, many hard ones essp roofing. When i was about im thinking 9 or 10 he decided to go to college and get a degree in computers, i knew my dad was so smart lol, he was offered to join mensa, he got a job with a computer programming computers and ended up working with Norad helping to program the missle launch system, which i still find awesome and cool and brag about when i can lol. They would have people with masters degrees working and unable to fix something and page my dad in the middle of the night who has a two year community college degree to come to Norad and fix the problems. Around this time my mom and dad found God and he quit drinking and beating on my mom. All of that is for another time though. Im still working on younger years. | |
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| ~past~ Back to my childhood. In conquering my self esteem problems, I know that it at least lays with some of my past and I need to go back and somehow figure it out, know it, see it and then let it go. Its what I want, but I cant seem to get there yet. I say from my first memories I remember hating myself, thinking I was bad, even evil and I try, try so hard to picture a time I didnt feel or think that, maybe when I was really little, but I cant...I dont see that. What I do remember is even as a child I was a slut. People might cringe when they hear me say that or write it, but to me its just a fact, like today was warm outside. I know what sexual playing around as a child is, Ive seen it, I know what it is. What I did, the things I tried, were very much beyond that. In fact it occupied a large part of my time and memories. Some of the images I have in my head still make me cringe, and many of the images are not whole. they dont have a begining and end, just a, flash, a few shots, certain parts and the rest I dont recall. Why I was possessed at such a young age to be so sexual, to do the things I did I dont understand. I actually gave shows to the neighborhood kids, many of them older boys. Sick. really sick. I did so many things that I am so ashamed to even put here as a little girl, a child, and ive put everything here, every detail of the worst parts of my life, except these, I am having a hard time putting these things down, I feel such shame and humiliation, disgust and fear. What the f*ck is wrong with me, ya know? Thats my thoughts. Thats what I constantly wonder. I dont know and I dont understand why I was such a..... from the very begining of my memories. I wonder, is it just me? Is that just who I am, who i always was and will be? I just came out like that? Or more recently I have considered is there things that I dont remember, things that would piece it all together. I dont know. Actually, I dont think I can do this right now. I dont know what all lays there, back there, but ugly, bad things do, I know that much and I cant do it alone, I cant go there alone. I just have a strong feeling, I will need strength that I dont have yet. Part of my strength is not here with me yet, its coming, but its not here yet and I need to wait. I dont know exactly why but I feel it would not be safe or wise to push and explore too far right now by myself. So I have to close that down and wait even though im very ready to do this. Or maybe Im not, and thats why Im saying all of this, I dont know. | |
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| Im slightly drunk right now and these keys are a pain in the ass to get to type the correct words, its taking so long. Lets see, do I even want to put this all down? Essp in the somewhat fuzzy headed state I am in right now and a bit overly emotional? Why not. Had a huge really bad, like really bad arguement with Rob a couple hours ago. It didnt affect me because he has some hold still on me, or because of anything other than the fact that a person, someone sat there and purposefully set out to hurt me, to make me feel horrible so he would feel better I guess. It could have been anyone and I still would have been upset and hurt. I didnt argue back, there is no point, its over and hes leaving very soon but he wants to get in as many jabs at me as he can before he leaves, until I feel horrible. I stood there listening to him and crying, alot unfortunately because im a big crybaby....and so I was crying as I said, and it was a pretty darn bad one, I felt at moments like I was going to fall over, so I leaned onto the wall, pressing my cheek against it and listened to him go on about how its all me and how messed up I am. I kept thinking in my mind and I even said softly to myself, just take it. Take it and be quiet and get it over with. I'll take it all if it means it will be done with quicker. I can take everything he has to dish out, everything he tries to say to make me feel horrible and I will release it. Has anyone ever rubbed their eyes so hard from crying it broke the skin, left abrasions? Why am I asking a question in a journal? Well I did, stupid marks below my eyes. I need to drink a bunch of water, chill out and calm down more. I actually am alot calmer than I first was. Time and talking it over always helps. In fact I almost feel normal again. This has been such a long time coming, years honestly. Ive made alot of mistakes in my life, but this is not one of them. Ive spent my life in a much different place than I am now and for honestly the first time I can recall I feel good, I feel im making the right choices, I feel very excited for whats coming and yes I am thinking of myself. I am not just thinking of what makes everyone else happy, which I always do, but I am thinking of what will make everyone happy, including me. I didnt set out to ruin his life or live a lie for years which he wants to think I did, but you know what, if thats what helps him, I dont care if he thinks that honestly, if thats what he needs to think to get through and move on, then I will be the wicked witch, I will be the one with all the fault. Lay it all on me Rob, as much as you want and i'll take it, and I'll keep quiet | |
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| My mom was taking by ambulance to the hospital like four days ago or so. This is the worst she has been yet. Which I guess when someone is dying, naturally they continue to get worse. Her voice is pretty much gone, a slight whisper left, mostly you have to try and read her lips and catch maybe one or two sounds and it takes you about 10 minutes to get one word that she is trying to say. Her lungs are very bad. They talked about intubating her but so far havent. But they have tried snaking a tube down her nose into her lungs to try and clear them some and its not working so well. So they pulled my sister aside and asked about her wishes. And then said we need to discuss as a family having her get a tracheotomy (sp) , making an incison right between her neck and chest I think and inserting a tube there. Shes also having very severe hallucinations, almost constantly. She sees things, she thinks things that are kind of out there. Shes actually had halluncinations for about 6 months, but this is the worst they have been. She refused to tell the Doctors or anyone except us family but two days ago, she was having them so badly, she called the nurses in and said my dad was beating her and made him leave to go home. Which my dad is constantly there by her side, he is the one who takes care of her and he told the nurses, yes in the past he has hit her, but he didnt then and hasnt anytime recently, I totally believe him and know he didnt, because of my moms threats and hallucinations. My sister and I went to see her that day when she sent my dad away and, it was as if I wasnt looking at my mom, it doesnt look like her. She kept looking at imaginary things, out the window, on the walls, on the ceiling, out the door, she would stare at them and i would have to climb onto the hospital bed and get in her face saying over and over loudly, "MOM......MOM...look at me mom, just concentrate on me" My sister did that too but to no avail. She would get hysterical, trying to tell us something is there, she sees something. She would tell us through lots of whispers and reading her lips things like, my dad is worshipping the devil. That last night she saw him doing things with the nurses. She kept crying and looking off at things that were not there, with this fear in her eyes and you feel so totally helpless but to try and tell her, nothing is there mom, its okay, just please try to focus on us. I called her Doctor to try and explain whats going on and see if they will give her something to help. But he hasnt called me back. And my dad is such in denial and so far he wont go against whatever my mom says or wants, which is like, shes not in her right mind to make choices, she needs someone to make them for her now. But hes not at that point yet to do it. The Doctors said they found this level in her blood that might indicate that even though they said they dont think its MS or ALS anymore that it actually might be. But they need a spinal tap to find out for sure. She refuses to have one and my dad goes along with her, because he doesnt want to believe she has anything thats deadly. My dad wants to believe, its just all in her mind and very soon, shes going to be perfectly healthy again. They also said they want to do this new MRI thing that could help them to see if theres anything at all they can do before putting that tube in her, at first she agreed to it, today she says no. Today she asked my dad to kill her. Today she said she wants to go home. She hasnt slept and my freaking father will not go tell the nurses to give her something, unless my mom agrees to it. This is what makes me most angry. And no judge is going to give me that right over my father, her husband, because theres no way he would ever be delcared incompetant (sp). So were stuck watching this horror movie play out in super slow motion with nothing to do but beg my father, pled with Doctors, and try to comfort my mom. When I was visiting her with my sister the other day I went to the bathroom and broke down and I asked God something I havent until now, and I feel so guilty and evil for even thinking it, that she be able to go, if this is it, which theres no mistaking it is, to please just end her suffering God, please. Because shes suffering so bad, this is not my mom, I know in her mind, down in there that isnt affected by the hallucinations and delusional thoughts and pain and basically torture that she is going through constantly that she wishes the same. I think she might be trying to go, but for some reason shes not yet. My dad would like to live in his delusional world of thinking, she just needs to recooporate and having a lil rehab and stop getting sick and she will be perfectly fine, back to skipping down the road in no time at all. These are his thoughts, what he clings so stubbernly to. He always says, oh shes so bad right now because she got knocked back from a cold, or a kidney infection, or she was emotionally upset over something and it took its toll and made her weaker and fall back some. If only she can get over those things, then she can work on getting all her strength back and get up and miraculously walk and talk and dance for all I know. And he insists on them, he insists them on my mom, on us, and on himself. If a Doctor says, MS, or ALS or anything of those things, my dad adamentally says, no way. I KNOW she doesnt have that, I know without one doubt, Ive read the books, Ive looked it up and she doesnt have that. She has nothing deadly, just some minor lil boo boo that any day now will be fixed. He will die soon after she does. Is that morbid to say? I know it though, so does my sister. Either he will kill himself, which he has expressed before, or he will just go to sleep and die, soon after. I have no doubt of this. What I do know, is it doesnt have to be that way, he could have a longer life, he could even enjoy life again, enjoy his grandchildren, do something, get out. But he never will. Both my mom and dad have spent the past almost 10 years now living in almost solitary confinment to their home, no outside work, no outside anything, almost never going anywhere, no friends for over 15 years, no hobbies really. Just each other. And for the last year now, because of my mom and having to be in a hospital bed constantly, they live in one room, 24/7 just sitting in there, no TV, no anything really except her laying there, him sitting there and waiting to die. Its the saddest thing in the world. There are many reasons this happened, I wont go all into them now, but it doesnt make it any less sad. My sister and I feel so guilty because we both have such a hard time going over there, to watch it, to see it, to feel so helpless to do anything. because they wont ever take your advice, they wont ever do anything different, they want you to do exactly what they want and nothing more or less and you disagree, and you know its wrong, and its the hardest thing in the world to just smile and say okay, we will pretend along with you, and sit here with you watching the two of you wither into nothing and not be able to say or do anything, or else we are not welcome then. We cant tell you how wrong you are, we cant say anything against what you believe, what you are doing, or were evil, were wrong, were suddenly the ones worshipping the devil. Ive actually gotten to a point though where I have started to speak my mind, and believe me it costs dearly to do it. But I have and I think I will keep doing it. The day before she went into the hospital my mom made my dad call me and try to make me do something I didnt agree with, I said no, I wouldnt. Which if you know me, to say no, to anyone essp. my parents, is a huge, huge thing. Thats when she decided i was conspiring with my dad to do something to her I guess. And I felt so bad afterwards, I questioned myself over and over if I did the right thing, should i just do whatever she wants, when she doesnt have much longer left anyway? I mean whats the point of standing up now, when its almost over? Why upset her when shes so sick and hurting? Am I evil for that? I defied them as well when I called her Doctor after she made my dad leave the hospital, I was tired of it, I told my sister, I dont give a f*ck, they are going to know she has hallucinations, they need to know, because they can help her with them. If my parents hate me for it, for spilling their secrets, I will have to live with that, because I already did. He hasnt called me back yet, but I will call again if I have to. She is suffering needlessly right now, she didnt sleep at all last night and shes very highly agitated and my dad is damn stubbern he has not gone to the nurses and said, hey my wife needs something to help her go to sleep for awhile, shes very upset and having alot of hallucinations and i want you to give her something to help. He wont. This is f*cked up. | |
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| My mom is refusing the feeding tube and trach tube as well. The Doctors said they give her days, maybe a week if she doesnt do it, shes not able to eat much and losing weight, even since being in the hospital shes lost 5 pounds, shes close to 100 pounds right now. As much as its hard to not want to scream at her to do it and demand the Doctors do it against her will, its ultimatly her choice. And I have to try and see that if this is it for her, if there are no more good days coming and shes at that point of wanting to go, of course I dont want her living just to make me feel better, of course not. But it doesnt make it easy either to accept her lack of wanting any of the life sustaining things the Doctors want so badly to give to her. I want her to have peace, to not suffer, to be happy, and as selfish as I am to want her to stay around, I want more for her to not hurt anymore, to not suffer anymore, to not spend her every day trying to speak, trying to move, trying to swallow, to eat, to drink and not getting there. I cant yet imagine what it will be like without her, I cant try to think of what I will do, what I will feel, will I lose it for a few days? Most likely. I dont see myself like I used to though, I used to think I would fall to the floor in a state of total and absolute extreme shock forever. I used to think I would scream and demand to hold her body and then refuse to ever let her go, even though I knew her essence was gone, I couldnt imagine her body....fuck...hard to say this.....I couldnt imagine her body being alone, cold, gone. I honestly for so long thought if anyone i loved ever died I would be that way, I would so totally lose it and they would have to shoot me with heavy drugs and keep me that way for awhile and drag me away from the body. While i dont think, in fact I know, I would not be that way now, and I will be okay, I will get through it okay, I still am not sure how I will react. Is it easier having known for so long now? For watching her slowly die, instead of a quick, sudden death? I dont know, Ive heard people say both. I think in a way it has helped me to process many of those feelings I did have, those fears I had and work through them and through the idea of losing my mom and come to the place i am now, where i know It wont be the end of the world. It might feel really horrible at first, I know it will, but it will get better. I believe that. I have a fear though when it first happens, if I am there, that I will still have a very hard time letting her body go. If im not there, Im going to want to see her and Im afraid I will have a hard time letting go when I do see her. A few years ago, my baby chihuahua died, I loved him like my child, I took him in and he had cardiac arrest in the vets office, they tried to save him but he was gone. I took him home and I sat with him in my arms for at least two hours, just holding him and petting him and everyone kept telling me I should bury him now, and that i was being morbid holding a dead dog for so long and petting him like that. I did bury him after those few hours and I was okay. I know its not a good comparision to my mom, but what Im trying to see is that if Im that way for my dog, I know Im going to be more than that way over my mom. I know Im going to want to hold my mom, and not want to let go right away and some people might think its too much, I dont know, is it? Does anyone know, if its too morbid, too uncomfortable for other people to see or deal with? I know she will be gone, I know this, I know her body will be just that, a body no spirit left in it, no soul, no life and I know I wont be like, refusing to let her go, I can and will be able to, but I think and maybe im wrong but I think Im going to want some time to just find my own way to say goodbye, I dont think you can fully prepare ahead of time for something like this, you can be aware, you can try to accept and understand it all and work through some things like I have, but when it happens, theres nothing to really prepare you for it, for the realization of it all, the facts. Even when you see and know shes going, even when you can make your mind understand, I think a part of you still holds fast to a dream, a hope, a miracle and they wont go away until it really happens. | |
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| It was weird to read over my last entry and now, be in the position I had so long wondered about. Today my Moms ashes come home. I was asked if I wanted to be there and honestly, I dont know. I dont think so. Its so weird that I am in such a different place than my father and sister. They are like totally in a grieving state, which is what I thought I would be in. But Im not, I dont understand it all. They want to talk and talk and talk, and I dont. And they dont fully understand that, so they worry about me and try to push me into talking. Which does the exact opposite for me. I feel weird most days right now, and out of place and unsure of my own self, because Im not in severe grief, Im not sure where I am. Which makes no sense, to even me. But I do know, I feel very uncomfortable talking to my father or sister. I can though and do talk openly with Glen or a few other people (non family). They want something from me, my Dad and sister, they have even said they want something from me, something that was like my mom, they say I am like my mom, my Dad says we need things from you, your emotions, your stuff that is like your Mom. I have nothing to give. I dont. I try. I really do try but theres nothing there. When they call, and start talking about Mom, I find myself just listening and going, Uh huh, yeah, I know.....nothing to add, nothing to comment on. When asked how I am, its always Im okay. When asked if I have any questions, thoughts, concerns, its always, No, Im fine. And I can hear and see the dissapointment in their voices and in their eyes. The confusion they have because Im not where they are and they dont understand just like i dont. Both my sister and Dad have said they have now "felt" my mom. Im very glad for them. I havent yet. I dont know what that means. Yes I have moments, moments where I cry, hard. Moments where I get angry and upset. Moments of disbelief and questioning things. But they are just small moments, that pass quickly and then Im back to doing whatever I was doing as if nothing in the world was wrong. They say is takes weeks and months to grieve, to process, to start to feel normal again. I wonder if I have even hit grieving yet, or I wonder, did I just process everything all so quickly and easily that Im done? I dont know. I know i tend to lock things up, or block things out, but I really dont feel like Im trying to with this, I want to feel more emotion, I want to feel the pain. It bothers me that I dont more often. Tomorrow will be one week she has been gone. I dont know how I feel. My sister wants just me and her to visit with my Dad this week, how horrible is it that I am dreading that? What is wrong with me that during this time of pain and grief that I would dread being with just my Dad and sister? I dread it so much I have already starting trying to think of ways of getting out of it. Thats so sad, and so wrong and yet I cant help feeling that way. Its horrid that I will spend each day trying to come up with a way to not be alone with my Dad and sister and most likely I will come up with something, I will find a way out of it. Why? Why? Why am I that scared, terrified, nervous, upset over that? I dont know. | |
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| It seems my moms death is starting to hit me more. Its weird to me I guess. Its been like three weeks almost now and Im suddenly finding myself thinking, "Shes really dead?" "Im never going to see her again?" And questioning that, actually being like, am I really never going to walk in the house, or on a holiday or at anytime ever again see her and part of my mind rejects that notion, part of my mind is like in this denial of not fully comprehending this. My mom is dead and Im just now begining to feel that, to it seems like realize that. | |
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| Ive been having a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep lately. It seems at night when I lay down, its dark and quiet, I start to think more about my mom, its odd to me that its more and more now that its getting to me, the longer its been, the harder it seems to keep getting right now. I wonder when it will start to level out and go back to not so hard again. Im so tired right now and I have no coffee (one of my new addictions lol) Im thinking of making tea instead I guess, as long as tea has zero calories. lol Coffee doesnt have any, I hope? If its just black? I think so. Otherwise no more coffee. So when i think of my mom at night, I think of everything I will never get to share with her again, everything she will never get to see, feel, taste, touch, experience ever again, and I get angry, and I get sad and frusterated. I think how much she loved life and so many things about life and its not right she doesnt get to enjoy it anymore, then I feel guilty because death occurs for everyone, and so many people die early, children, young people and who am I to feel angry about my mom not getting to live more life when there are so many, everyone dies. I lay there in the dark, staring at a dark ceiling, watching the lights from cars drive by outside briefly shining in the window and just so many feelings and questions and things filling my mind that I cant sleep. Guess Im going to look for some tea now.... | |
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I would love to have the guts in me to just scream right now, to scream, to throw things, to be heard, to speak without restraint at times, free from my own inner plagues of guilt, fear, anxiety, self hatred. I saw some older pictures of myself yesterday, pictures when I was a child, some of them impacted me in ways I had not expected or even know why, one essp. brings on this overwhelming feeling of deep sadness and tears, this looking at myself as a child and seeing her as someone not me if that makes any sense and feeling so sad and sorry for her and wanting to rip her out of there, to take her away, cover her, protect her and the hardest part of it all, is I dont know why...why I feel that way, why that picture hits me hard, why I tear up at it, I honestly dont know, but I do feel, theres something there, underneath, I just cant get at it. Why I am so hard on myself, the hatred, disgust, the need for punishment. Im tired, so tired at times. Im fighting a new illness, and its hard, so hard because even though the rational part of the brain knows what I need to do, have to do, to live, to survive... the stronger part right now, the emotional part right now has control of thinking, no....no. Im not trying to get attention or be dramatic, in fact I really dont want any, I would rather hide, hide away it all and all of me, but I know hiding will feed into the not good parts of myself, Im just looking to let some of it out, my thoughts, my feelings, my fears, hopefully soon my triumphs, my dreams, hopes, my failures... my biggest dream, if I was asked what I would want to be remembered for when I died, would be that I helped people, or even one person, that I was a loving person. And so maybe someday that will happen, whether its through something like this, or something else, who knows, I dont. But I try to do what my heart, my soul, my inner self speaks to me to do. And tonight thats to just write some. Im not making alot of sense, Im just writing from my heart right now, whatever comes. I think Im done for tonight, suddenly alot of thoughts came but very jumbled and Im not ready to put them down yet. So thats it, Im going step by step, day by day, moment by moment in hopes of making my way to a brighter side, and a place where I can fully give of myself to helping and loving other people and maybe making a difference. I dont know what all that would entail yet, but I'll know when its time and I'll jump at the chance happily. | |
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Its storming outside, my finger and hand are throbbing from the rat bites and Im thinking, I never journal much anymore. Just for myself to get down how Im feeling sometimes or thoughts I have to better go back and read and understand and work through if needed. When I look back and read on past posts, it always has helped me, either just by posting it, or through seeing it written down and being able to see things differently than just in your head in thoughts. Ive been down lately with having eaten more and gained some weight back. I know its not a huge amount, but its more than I want. And I feel like I need and have to re-lose some again or I'll be unhappy. Having my sister decide shes just not going to talk to me, well, I know how she is, it shouldnt be a surprise at all, I expected as much and yet it still hurts. It hurts that Im the one made to feel as if I have done something wrong, its always that way it seems. It hurts that she wouldnt at least ask me my story on it all. I could understand being angry with me for not telling her, or being angry with me for telling my Dad, but to not even ask me what happened. To just take Matts word, who we all know lies every other sentence and not even ask me. I know with time everything will work out and its for the best, its just the right now that bothers me. I worry my love is frusterated with me, I havent been exactly exuding happy thoughts and feeling sexy lately and I worry so much that if I dont always have the smile and the ready to go anytime attitude that he'll slip away, or look away, or look somewhere else. So stupid I know, so insecure I know. Having recently gained a few pounds again its sooooo hard some days to feel at all attractive or sexy. I feel attracted to him, god, every glance in his direction puts a smile on my face and a satisfied Mmm Hmm on my lips, thats never the problem....he is so fucking attractive all the time. Its me feeling yu |
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~got sent before I was done~ Its me feeling yucky about me. Feeling chubby feeling fat, feeling ugly. I know Glen says he likes a lil bigger, but I have a hard time believing that. Ive seen differently. I know, stupid thinking again. I like feeling attractive, I like Glen feeling more possessive when I look better, which he clearly does at certain times and I dont want to be bigger and frumpy and blah and other stuff. I obsess to much about this I know. But its a daily all the time thing, its hard not to. I worry too much that if Im not always smiling, not feeling great, not looking good and feeling good about myself, not making everyone happy, then everything will fall to pieces. I know sometimes I do talk to Glen about having a down day or feeling yucky, but its rarer than he thinks. And then once I say I am I feel obligated to quickly get over it and be okay again, so I try to hard, because otherwise he'll feel bad or upset and i hate that. I have visions of doing things differently, lots of times I wake up or when I go to bed I think, tomorrow or today is the day I will do this and that and it will be a great day and I'll be a great mom for the kids, active with them, I'll get lots of projects done I need to, I'll be such a good wife, tending to Glens needs and making him feel so good and it will all be great. But unfortunately it rarely ends up that way and that sucks. Our marriage is new and its easy right now to brush off my insecurites sometimes but I worry so that in time, over the years they will weigh more and more on Glen, it will bother him more, and he would never tell me that, but it would, how I can be, how insecure in myself I am, both in and out of bed. I hate it. And I hate that it could cause more problems down the road. So I must get better. I just dont know how to yet. I feel I fail him in certain ways, it makes me so sad because all I want is to be the best for him, to make his life so wonderful and happy always. And the kids. |
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I'm sorry to invade your journals baby, but I have to write this in here, and I'll be brief. So, maybe you can come and look at it when you are feeling insecure, or not so sure about things. I'm sorry you have these feelings sometimes. I wish I knew what to say, or maybe how to act, so you would never feel this way. I love you Amber, more than you know, and I wish... I just wish you knew, deep in your heart how much I love you and need you by my side. Even if everything in this world, we were unsure of, our next paycheck, food on the table, or roof over our heads... even if every little thing in this world you were unsure of.... I wish the one and only this that you knew without a doubt in this world, is how sure of how much I love and need you. YOU baby.... not just how you look. Not just how you cook. Not any one thing, but every single, tiny little thing about you. What's inside of you. What makes you, you. You are Amber, the absolute, one and only person in this world that I could ever be with. I love EVERY single thing about you, good or bad, because it's what makes you, YOU. Does this make sense? Please tell me if it doesn't, and I will try my best to explain it. There are times, I think about losing you. It's not often, but when I do baby, it hurts me to my soul to even think of it. I would literally die from the inside out if you were not in my life, by my side, as MY lover and friend. Do you understand me? I'm a big boy, and I think fairly intelligent and mature. I know... I KNOW for a fact that if I had one single thought that someday in the future I would fall out of love with you, I would not be here right now. I know this baby. Please, just give me a little bit of credit for being in control of my feelings, and wisdom, and please... please baby do not try to examine a future that we have not arrived to yet, and assume I would ever look away, or stray from you. I'm a simple man. I don't feel like I ask for a lot in life. I'm far from perfect, and so never ever think that because you may not be perfect, in your own mind, that I could ever stop loving you. Like I said, I'm a simple person, with simple needs and desires, and all I desire in this life for me, is to have you by my side, and to live my life with you. All I ever needed in life is someone who loves me for me, and needs me, and to have someone I needed and to love in return. And you are that person Amber. Please, please always believe, and know this in your heart, even if you are having a bad day and you are down on yourself, know one thing, and know it without a doubt, I will always love you, and need you, and support you and stand by your side. God baby, I don't know what else to say. I know you have your moments when everything can seem bleak. I understand. I get them too sweety. You could never ever disappoint me. I need you so bad it hurts, but you need to know, that no matter what, that one and only sure thing is we are soulmates, and I'm never going anywhere. Please? I know, I need to work on communicating. Maybe because of sometimes I don't speak enough it makes you have these feelings. I'm sorry, and I will always work on communicating with you, okay? Sometimes, as like with any couple, we get into that day to day cycle where we just forget to really express things. And I expect you to nudge me just a bit, and I will do the same, but please don't ever feel like it's because I am disappointed, or you have failed me in any way. That will NEVER happen. I love you babe, so so so much. I'm sorry if I've made you feel this way. We are constantly growing, and working to improve ourselves, and we will both grow together. I'm going to finish now. It's almost 1:00, and I'm more than ready to crawl in bed, beside you. I love you, with everything that I am. Forever.... your husband  |
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Your not invading love. And I do understand, I promise I do. The one thing I know is you love me, and I love you.I guess I just wish sometimes I was the ultimate wife, lover and friend lol. And honestly, Im just regular, nothing special, a girl with issues. Im sorry if what I wrote didnt come out right, sometimes I just write without thinking so much about what im saying until I read it back, but I have faith in a few things in life Glen, and one of them is us. I know we will have our good and bad times, I know there will be struggles and times we wish we didnt have to go through, but in the end its all to make us better, closer, stronger. I love you, thank you for writing back. Im sorry you were up so late. Now Im up early lol. |
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I feel fat and ugly, but whats new with that....Ive been eating too much. Today too. Blah. Get over it. As for Jenny, it is very frusterating to have your sister be the way she is. To want you to hurt like her, its sad. I feel sad for her and I feel sad for me, to not have a sister the way one should. To have lost that. She knows she tried to spill her poison words into both my mind and Glens, to create doubt in us, to create worry, stress, fears....I refuse to let that happen. What hurts most is to see Glens hurt, his upsetness, his sadness over this whole affair. That is the worst. As painful as it all is right now, time will help, we will move on, we will move past it all and to a better place, everyone will. In time. With love. Im angry, Im hurt, Im upset, but im also so sad for a person to be so wrapped into themselves they only want everyone else to feel as bad as they do, they cant see reality, they cant see anything but their own delusions and that is so very sad. |
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I have gained some weight, certain clothes that were looser are snugger recently, I can see a bigger belly bulge when I look at my gross naked self in the mirror, I can even look down while im tying this and see my belly sticking out. Of course its to be expected when I have lost willpower lately and been eating more than normal. But I cant CANT stand it, I cant live with it, I cant deal with it well. I cant stay like this long. I feel like, Im not saying I am, but I feel like such a loser that I keep going through the same damn struggles, do good one week, do bad the next week, back and forth, back and forth, frusterating, never ending. Its horrible. All I know is I feel like a pig, I look like a pig, my belly is jiggling, my clothes I love to wear are too snug AGAIN and Im so tired of it all. So tired. I do go to see the therapist on Monday, we'll see if its any good, if it does anything, of course i know not to expect immediate wonders, I know it takes work on both sides, I know i have to commit to change and work to get past these issues and others. I hope it happens. Shelby confessed to me tonight shes very upset she gained almost 20 pounds over the summer. She was near tears fighting them back about how to lose it quickly. It scares me and I feel so bad. I try to tell her just sensible exercise and such and it will come back off now thats she active in school again, but I feel like a hypocrite knowing how I feel about my body and need to loose again and how the bad ways I go about doing it. |
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Its been a decent number of days, week even, but tonight Im feeling down again. All the normal regular thoughts invading my mind. Im fat, Im eating too much, I hate it and me for not losing weight. Im failing as an involved mom. Im not taking care of my responsibilities enough. Im tired of feeling sick every day lately, its getting to me, its getting to me being too tired and getting 4 hours of sleep the past handful of nights. Its getting to me that Im not sticking to my diet and just losing a little bit, so my favorite pants will fit me when it gets colder. Its getting to me that I feel Im not playing with the kids enough, doing enough with them, always short, always unavailable. Its getting to me that I dont entertain my husband more, that I whine to much, that I bring him down with my dark moments. And I know he will say I dont, or its okay, but it still gets to me. Its getting to me that I lack willpower lately, that Im stuck in a rut of same shit and I need out. I need to feel perky that yes, I didnt eat too much today and my body is just a little trimmer, that yes I took some extra time to read more with Josh or play a game with him. That I talked more to Shelby, that I made my husband feel special and good. I need to feel these things again. I need to badly. I hate starting a new day and I have all these good intentions, I make these plans in my mind, today I will control myself, today I will stick to my diet and feel so much better for it. Today I will do this, and that and get this done and all my good intentions just fade away with the day and Im left at the end of the day feeling hopeless and angry with myself and sad. Its so sad but I wish so bad there was a way I could spend a week or two straight with Glen, no work, no time apart, being around him, I always ALWAYS do SO SO much better. I feel so much better, I dont give in to temptations and down feelings, I dont fall down so easily. I sometimes think, if there was a way I could follow him to work and just stay there, or if he had vacation time I would beg him to take a few weeks to help me get back on track. He does that for me. I know its not so good to depend on someone else to help you so much, I know i need to have my own willpower and strength, but I cant help that on his days off, I just do so much better and it makes me so sad that that means I only have really two good days of the week, where I know I'll stick to my intentions, I'll feeling amazingly better and happier, I'll not be so short with the kids, I'll start to feel better body wise and mind wise and in all ways and I'll have hope again and then its five more days away again. Then I think since there is no way he can just take off for two weeks, I wish there was a friend or someone close by who could do it, who could be my shadow for a few weeks.But there is no one I trust or feel comfortable around like my husband. I know if I had that extra boost of getting into the habit again of things, if I had those couple weeks of extra help, that I could maintain the momentum so much easier than just two days. I know I could do it then, I would get that strength and determination back and it would stay with me so much easier. Wishful thinking, it will never happen I know. But I dream about it. I wish for it, I hope for it. I try to insist to myself since I cant have that dream fulfilled I HAVE to do this on my own (not totally, but I mean on those days I have to be alone)....I threaten myself, I berate myself, I beg God, I try many tactics, but so far, Im still in this rut, and its going to kill me if I dont get out of it and get back where I am happier, like a month or so ago. Im seriously not going to be doing well soon if I stay in this rut, seriously. I know my biggest problem, and its the one everyone thinks is stupid and not worthy and all in my head, but I cant help that it is the one I KNOW for a fact that makes me feel sooooo much better, happier, relaxed, at ease, enjoying life. I know my mind and myself, and I know what I need and I know what will happen if I dont get there and its not good. I can live with one problem, that I can work on and get through. I CANT live with all of the problems that come up from not living with the one problem. Im making no sense, what Im saying is I can live and be so happy with not eating as much, losing some weight, but not getting too dangerous. I can live with that and work through that slowly. I CANT live with gaining weight, fighting myself every fucking day, feeling so angry and depressed and pointless, those things are so much worse and they are more dangerous in my mind that the other. I need help to get back. Im desperate. Im smart enough to know how much happier and at ease I am when I do good, I know this and I know how dark I feel when I dont. And I want the good feeling, not the dark. Im tired of being in dark feelings lately because of my lack of strength. Im tired of shying away from everyone and everything because Im fighting myself too much and often because i dont stick to my plans. Its wearing me down alot. And I have to find that strength again. |
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