Well Im home and have nothing done really as usual yet. I hate it. I have all these plans and wants to get done and it feels like nothing ever does get done. I wanted to clean, which I have a lil bit. I want to get my paper redone and out of the way. I want to maybe pot the plants and rearrange a bit. But yet times flies by and I have next to nothing to show for it. Ick. lol
Its an okay day, Ive been struggling most of the day with down feelings but have been fighting it good. I am glad Im going to see that lady this Wed. but I am nervous as well. Im pretty ready I think to start some sort of medication, because I just cant take feeling this way much longer and I hate being such a downer lately, and also just feeling so ugly and depressed and fat.
I was going to get us signed up for dance lessons but the only way I would have been able to was to take out that loan again, the monthly pay advance thingy, an as much and as badly as I would love and want for us to start right away, its not the proper choice I guess to do it that way, when we cant even pay for other things we need more right now. It makes me sad, because part of me taking dance was Ive always had a hate relationship with my body, dancing was not just fun for me but a way to also maybe get more in tune with my body, appreciate it and enjoy it more. lol But when we can, when its right, we will get them. I dont want to go Friday though for my last lesson, I feel stupid telling him I wanted and was ready to start private and then not. I know its silly but its how i feel.
Today Ive thought more about maybe having to stop school again for now. I dont know love. I dont know. At times I feel overwhelmed, I love it, but I also wonder if its hurting more than helping me to get better emotional wise right now. I dont know. Im torn I guess and maybe will see what the therapist thinks.
I did eat so I wont feel up to dinner. I know you hate that, and I need to get out of that habit so badly. It makes me feel like shit the rest of the day.
Looks like tonight is a funny wifeswap show. lol I love you! Im gonna try to get my paper done now.
xxxooo
Sorry your phone is acting up!!!
Forever and ever yours, me
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