I had wanted to talk a lil more or explain at least a lil more about you know, the other night when you wanted to go down on me and I told you that. I am sorry again. I really had no idea you would react that way and I swear I wasnt trying to say I dont like it, or want you, I was just trying to be honest about it. As I said later that night, you know my sex life has never been "normal" really, either bad experiences or ones with no feelings involved. Which if theres no feelings involved it means not even shyness or anything of that if you understand what Im saying? Because I didnt care. But your my love, my husband, my soulmate, I have never loved someone as deep and complete as you. I have never wanted to explore totally and fully everything possible with only you in all the wonderful ways things can be explored. And Im working on it. There are already so many things I have only known through you. Taking a shower together. Buying a toy and using it. Even touching myself in front of someone. Tasting each others blood. So many things that I love and that are ours.
I am very shy about my body as you know. If I can loose some weight, maybe with your help I know it would help me more. I was feeling free er with you, with us when I was just a lil lighter, its true. I think some of my shyness also comes from how your raised and what views there are on sex when your growing up. So for me going for my own pleasure, even expressing it, has never been a thing that was okay in the eyes of family, religion, ect. I think thats part of why Ive always gravitated to the idea of a man in control scene, because if you have no control, you can then be free to relax and enjoy yourself, if that makes any sense? It prolly doesnt and thats just a small portion of it all.
Im prolly making no sense to you right now, when Im desperately trying to lol. I want you to know that I ADORE our sex life, you god are past amazing Glen and I am working hard on overcoming more of my insecurities and shyness in these areas. It might take time, it might go slow. But there is always progress, look at the things Ive never done before and now have with you already, that puts a smile on my face. And I know even more things will come along when I get there. Maybe talking dirty to you lol, maybe being more assertive in what I would like or want and many other things.
I know its frusterating for you, to feel completely free in bed with me and not get why I dont, when we are soulmates, when we are partners, I know it must bother you at times alot, please bear with me, and forgive me for the times I act retardly shy and have a hard time with things. Because its not US, its not YOU, its me, how I was formed, for many years before you came into my life, and just like you have your things to overcome, I have many as well, this being one of them.
Telling you what I did in the shower was very hard for me, alot of embarressment, alot of worry of what you would think or how you would react. And I know now your reaction was more due to you thinking I just didnt like you going down on me, than you were upset I did that. But at the time, I took it as being upset with me and thinking I was just weird, or gross. Which was how I felt. Im sorry for the confusion and Im sorry for my akwardness at times. Bear with me. I love you!!
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