I understand about the 4th babe. I know that you love to really go all out for certain Holidays, and that's wonderful. I hate that I have allowed myself for what seems like so long now to be lazy. For most of my adult life I have always worked, and believed in working hard for things you want in life. I've allowed myself to believe that I can not work and things will be okay, and I just need to pull myself out of that way of thinking. Of course, if I had a full time job we would have to pay more rent, and get less food assistance, but now I know that we would have more money to do the things we use to be able to do, and the things that we like to do, like have a big 4th of July. This is sometimes the sacrifices you have to make for staying home and not working.... not having the money to do what we enjoy, and it's not really worth it. I want you to be happy, and to not miss out on the wonderful things that make you happy. I've gotten some applications put out here lately, and hopefully I will hear from someone soon, and I can get back to work full time, like a normal provider, and things can get back to normal. I love you so very much, and I'm sorry this 4th may have turned out not so wonderful sweety. I feel bad over it.

 I just wanted to look up what happens if your kidneys fail. I have told you about having kidney pains at night, and that my pee is not normal after waking up. It's nothing babe, just curiosity. It does seem like the older I get, the more I worry about dying. It's silly... just stupid fears that come up sometimes. Maybe I just need to stop watching all of those medical shows LOL. It's funny how when I was younger, I rarely ever thought about dying, but like I said, the realization that I am now 40, it just seems to be more on my mind, and an irrational fear that creeps in from time to time. I'm sure the kidney pains are just normal wear and tear, and it's not even bad pain, just small. But I know it's new, since turning 40, and even not knowing my Dad or his medical history, I just think about things too much. I love you sweety, so very much with all my heart.......Your man, me

My love, you do realize providing is more than money right? You provide us with so much love, please dont ever lose sight of that, you care and take care of us all. We have both together kinda gotten into a rut of going day to day, but we'll get better and get out of it. The fourth will be wonderful just with what we can do and with being together, happy, carefree as little puppies, thats what I want more than anything else, I would give up all the food and fireworks and everything else if we just have a really, really happy day; laughter, fun times, a lil jig from you, seeing everyone smiling and enjoying the day together, thats what we'll remember most, not what salads we had. lol

 

We'll get what food we can on Thursday and fireworks too, and the rest will be us just enjoying a nice day together, and thats the best.

 

I know without any doubts we will eventually get to the place where we can and will be able to say, hey lets go out to eat, or wow, a new movie, lets go see it, or darn the car got a flat but we can get it fixed without worrying, and the kids have things they need and a few things they want and were all very happy. I dont want or need big things in life, for me, the ability to do just those things, to go out with you sometimes, stroll around downtown and eat somewhere, stop in a store and maybe make an impulse buy from time to time, go to a movie, take the kids to the zoo and little amusement places, have nice dinners, nice holidays, fun times together at home, parks and picnics and hikes. Those are my dreams. And we will have them along with your dreams.

 

So I got into college, I still cant believe it, all the times I was denied, I was sure I wouldnt, hoped for it but didnt think it was going to happen. Now of course Im happy but nervous too, scared a bit, its a big thing, yes its something I have dreamed of finishing for a long time and I can see us both using that to help people, together. That would be amazing for us both I think and of course it wouldnt hurt to have two incomes as the kids grow up and we want the ability to do more couple things like travel and such.

 

But again, the fears are there, of course its not even close to as intensive as PIMA was, I wont have to go everyday and homework, yeah I'll still have a bit but not like hours every night, but I dont want it to affect us or the family either. Thats my worry most of all. You and our family are always number one, first and foremost important, I dont want to fail anyone, I dont want to fail our family, I dont want to fail myself again for the millionth time lol, I just dont want anyone to be let down in anyway.

 

As I said for some reason I still have holds so maybe tomorrow I can go back and get that fixed, and I also cant get into the loan site they gave me so I gotta ask them about that too. Its common to at first have to go back and forth for a week or so getting it all straight and ready. Im not sure how much or if any student loan money I will be able to or should take out, I know I will get the pell grant which will pay totally for the college, but then after that I have to see if they will let me take out anymore for loans, being on probation Im not sure.

 

Its not silly or stupid to have those fears love, its normal, of course as we get older we recognize time is drifting by and with age comes the higher chances of diseases and problems, I have those worries too, alot. Im always sure Im going to get some sort of cancer lmao. But your having actual symptoms of some issue, not just worrying, its a symptom and I want you to get it checked love, for you and for me. There is the free clinic place we have to check into them, maybe tomorrow at the latest by Monday, please do that for me okay?  Its totally normal and right to think about it and to want to be reassured it is nothing, which is what I am sure we will find out, but the right thing to do is to find out and make sure.

 

So dont let me forget tomorrow or Thursday we have to make copies of the birth certificates and get mine started or something and bring those along with the letter explaining your work now to housing. I HAVE to do that. Prolly Thursday. A busy day Thursday, get the check, pay some on advance, the rest get food, fireworks, non-food items for the fourth (cheap decorations and toys, charcoal, foil and baggies, tossable pans) bring the copies and letter to housing, clean the church, I'll have to premake foods that night and I guess thats it lol

 

I hope your feeling better tonight, happier, more secure in knowing how much you do for us, for me, how much we do have and are thankful for, how good life really is for us love. These struggles are really nothing compared to what life could deal us out, were lucky, many people arent. At least neither of us is dying, we arent homeless, we dont live in a warzone, we have food, we have a car, you have a job, we have most of our bills paid, we have internet to write stuff to each other, you have lots of comfy sweet pillows, I have lots of warm snuggly socks, the kids are well and basically good, we have people who care and love us, we get movies in the mail to watch, we have running clean water, no fungal infections, good books to read, cool knick knacks on our shelves, two puppies who adore the ground you walk on, a stove to cook food, a microwave to make heating things soooo much easier, a pretty front lawn, beautiful roses, decent clothes and enough of them that we dont have to wash them each day and re-wear the same things, laundry soap to wash the clothes when we do need it, the beginings of a very cool and fun play room, chapstick for our lips at night, ice cube trays to make yummy wonderful ice, cigs to smoke to make our lungs nice and strong!, hehehehe, okay I could go on and on about the blessings we have but its your turn now, to write a handful of things to be grateful for and I will reply with more and we will keep going back and forth coming up with things for us to be thankful over and it will help us both, okay? Please do this.

 

Most of all those, we have each other, thats the greatest gift of all. Smile sexy. And write your list. :P

 

I love you!!

Amber xxoo

Awww... you're so precious .

 

First off let me say, that no matter WHAT, you won't let anyone down, ever. I'm so very happy for you that you were able to get back into college. I know it's what you've always wanted and I'm always behind you in whatever you desire to pursue. I'll support you and motivate you any way I possibly can babe. You know that. Yes, PIMA was considered a fasttrack kind of school with a lot of pressure to cram in as much as possible as fast as possible, but with college, it will be different. Now, I just need to focus on getting a decent fulltime job and try to get us back to normal. Wish me luck on that. I love you, very much.

 

Well, let's see... things to be happy for. The clean mountain air to breath, the lovely hikes we get to take, our cozy bed to sleep like babies in, the wittle birdies outside our window peaking in on us, a big back yard full of wonderful fertilizer, Netflix.. our main source of entertainment, and the big TV on which to see movies, our stubborn Blazer that gets us around, our health, a handful of people that care about us, our country... land of the free, our semi-finished entertainment room, times of sneaking off to have some sex, the water cooler that kind of keeps us cool now, the wonderful food you make when we have it, our children, your college acceptance, some socks that have no holes, our bathroom, ice cream, ice, the neurotic dogs that can get on our nerves but overall keep us entertained, our love of horror and small collection, our things in common, good eyesight... in which to read, our nations birthday, Autumn in Colorado... with Halloween, our Christmas collection, our sense of humor, tylenol p.m., poopoo pills, a lovely park close by, lovely streets to take walks down, Juggies convenient store right down the road, a nice city library, and most of all.... a nice long life ahead of us.

 

I love you sweety