Amber's Journal

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Morning love. Did you sleep well? Are you rested? Hope so. Im up a lil early but thats not unusual for me lol. Well, its halfway through the week, dont think theres really anything to do today. Watch that other movie sometime today.

Im sorry I was overly needy last night while watching the movie, I wasnt trying to overly pester you with reassurances, I just needed extra and Im sorry it was more than you thought it should be. We both from time to time need those reassurances as you know, it doesnt mean anything beyond just a need to hear, see and feel our love. You should know that, you have asked and needed the same from time to time as well. As for the "we never hurt each other" promise I asked, I think that just comes from my fears Ive had of losing you or losing us. Not just the blatent right out there type of hurts that are obvious and done with the other person fully aware, but the hurts where maybe we do something that the other doesnt know but if they did it would hurt too, I think those are important too, to always live by thinking the other half of ourselves, our partner in life knows everything or could or will and even to hurt you without your knowledge (at first) would be such a disrespect to you, to the union of our marriage, to what our love is about that those hurts would destroy us just as surely as a blatent hurt like a punch in the face.

I continue to work out my insecurities, I know I need to and have to, it will someday if not already begin to really annoy the hell out of you as much as it does to me and that will damage us, so I am trying so very hard, please believe in that. Im trying to not care so very much about certain things, Ive gotten into the habit of repeating to myself throughout most days, stop caring so much (about little things)....its so very hard but Im at least trying and sometimes making progress.

My one wish in life would be to someday know and feel and see that I am everything to one person, I am enough, I am just everything needed, wanted, desired....just one person in this life, one is all, I dream of feeling filled inside with that knowledge, that amazing wow feeling of knowing without a doubt, I am that one person that is everything to someone in this life. Like you are for me Glen, I pray I am someday for you the same. I would give my life now to experience that level of total love for just a little while. I need to know I was in the end all that mattered to someone in this life, I was every desire, every need, every want...everything. Partly that will come with growing self assurance, but the big part has to come from seeing, hearing, knowing from the other person that you are that person to them.

Yes Im still thinking about college....yes I want it, badly, but I also dont want it to become like it was when I was in PIMA....so Im struggling with deciding right now....face giving up my dreams for good and forever or face the slight possible chance of things going sour with us, you being at home, lonely, bored, without me.....both prospects I fear.

I love you, so much Glen, I love you more, and thats just a fact. Your sleeping sweetly now, as always, even if you tried you couldnt sleep any other way but perfectly sweetly. I miss you. Its five now, I'll have a lil coffee now that its done and consider if Im staying up or gonna lay back down for a bit. If I do lay back down, one of my favorite things is feeling you crawl back into bed near me, soothing and sweet, better than anything else.

Oh yeah, so what do you think of the Valley of the Dolls movie? I got the name from that exploytation group you have added to netflix, it looked like a classic and something we could maybe both get into and have fun with? lol

All my love forever, Amber xxoo

I understand feeling needy. I would never condemn that or feel it is absurd. We both need each other and it should always be that way. You bring up once again in your post about wanting and needing to feel like you are the only thing or person in this world I desire. I have obviously done something recently to make you say this, and mentioning doing "little" things to hurt each other. But, you don't want to come out and say anything. This is where my frustration comes into play, because I just don't know what it is I keep doing wrong. I'm trying so hard baby to be the man and husband you desire, and any more I feel I have failed.

I'm very happy you got back into college. This is something that is so very important to you, therefore important to me. Do you feel like I made you quit PIMA? Do you feel like I had a problem with you going to school and being away from home? I didn't realize things had turned so bad when you went to PIMA and you quit because that's what you thought I wanted. I don't want to be the cause of you giving up on your dreams forever. I'm very sorry if I did something to make you feel that way.... I didn't realize I was doing anything. You need to stop worrying about college, assuming that I have some problem, and that I will get bored and lonely, and that you will lose me. Honestly, that hurts to hear now, that I am the reason you stopped going to school, and even debating not going to college solely because of me.

It seems to me babe, that things have happened during the time we have been together that have done obvious damage. You don't feel like I desire you and only you. You don't feel like you are everything to me... everything I need or ever want in this world. You hope that someday you are that for someone. You don't feel like you are everything to me.....I DO everything for you, I am always here for you, nobody else. I go nowhere or do anything without you. I've quit jobs for you. I've given up flesh and blood to be with you, and yet you still say this to me. We've always said to each other..."I love you more than you love me." It's always been a cute little joking around thing for us, I always thought. But, now I realize that you must actually feel like you love me more than I love you. I'm so sorry you feel that way. Right or wrong, I have done somethings, and continue to do things that fuel your insecurities, making you believe that I don't love you or desire you to the level that I should. I'm sorry baby. I truly am. You are everything to me, but I know now I don't know how to show and prove that to you.

I don't want you to quit college, and I will stay very aware of my actions in the matter, and if you end up quitting, that will be on you. It will be because YOU wanted to quit, and didn't want to continue. You can do it, and I will support you in any way I possibly can, and you won't quit. I'm doing everything in my power to help you realize you are everything to me, and all that I desire. Whatever I did most recently, I am sorry. I am sorry about the comment I made about the movie Babel... it was simply a joke. I'm sorry for whatever I did on the internet. I don't know what it is, but I'm sorry. I need to focus on getting a full time job, so we can pay our bills and do things. We spend too much time doing nothing, and that can lead to problems. We'll kickstart our lives together, and we'll be okay. I love you so very much Amber. I only wish you knew that without a doubt. I have a feeling you'll be upset with my response, but I hope not. I'm just expressing my feelings, and trying to understand, because I love you.

Forever yours..........me

Well love, I guess I shouldnt have written, we both take what the other says wrong mostly, we both read between lines and come up with what we think is going on when its not even close. You say you have obviously done something recently....why? Why is that so obvious? Because you cant image that I could just feel needy and desperate and worried all by itself? Because there HAS to be a reason beyond just feeling that way? Do you always have a reason for suddenly feeling needy? And if so what are they?

Yes I bring it up again needing to be the only thing you ever desire because its something you and I both agreed upon weeks ago that you woud work on someday feeling. You didnt condemn me for feeling needy last night but after asking for reassurances twice you got bothered and decided there must be more to it, when there wasnt. But I can never convince you, as you think you cant convince me Im everything to you, I feel I can never convince you that every feeling and worry I have is not all about you and what you did or didnt do or what have you. You wont believe that.

No I dont feel you made me quit PIMA, I did it for the reasons I said, it was only after quitting PIMA that I realized we had some problems, nothing huge but some issues that were not because of PIMA. You cant fault me for worrying that certain things could happen again just like after I hurt you so bad when I broke up with you, it took you time to not worry and our first fights you were always needing reassurances that it didnt mean I was leaving, I never faulted you that and I totally understood the reasons for needing it. Please understand that while our little issues after PIMA were nothing compared to what I did to you, they still bother me and make me worry sometimes, dont fault me that.

See how you just assume things so easily, "I am the reason for you stopping to go to school" You have no idea if thats true, and yet you assume it instead of saying, okay I want to find out the truth, not what I think things are but the real truth. As I need to trust you more, you too Glen, need to trust me more when I say something, when I say its not you, when I say, no you didnt do anything, you have to accept that and believe it.

No I dont hope I am everything for someone someday, I only hoped that for you, your the only thing that mattersm your my soulmate and there is no one else in this world for me, never, ever, ever. I do everything for you too Glen, everything, I have given up things, I have always listened to your worries and did everything I could to make them better, I have devoted my life to you, my world to you, I take care of you, I am there for you always, I have eyes ONLY for you, my heart my soul is yours. You do know how to show me, I know you do, but for all people sometimes its easier to just say it.

I know you love me, I never doubt that, I know you wont leave me, I honestly swear I dont think you would ever leave me, that fear has gotten alot better (isnt that some progress?) but Im just me, human, messed up, nervous me, I have many faults, many annoying faults.

I told you Babel was a joke love, it didnt bother me at all, but again, you dont believe me when I say these things, your so sure that I am so sensitive you cant even see to believe in me when I say its not true.

You have nothing to apologize for, I never said you did anything, you just want to make it up, I dont know why, because it makes it easier to be upset with me? Because I have insecurities and its so easy to blame it all on that? Because certain things in the past have bothered me so for the rest of our lives you will assume anything I say means you did something wrong? What is it that makes you believe everytime I try to talk about certain topics Im somehow implying you have done something? I want to know so I can learn to talk right to you, and not cause these thoughts and feelings from you. You hurt and god I am so sorry for that, the LAST thing I want when I try to express thoughts to you is hurt you.....but you hurt me too, when you assume so many wrong things, when you decide such ridiculous things without trusting and believing in me and what I say, it hurts that so quickly you spout off with I quit college because of you, I feel this because of you, you must have done something wrong.....you do this everytime and it hurts and its frusterating because I try to assure you, but it doesnt get through.

Ive said so many times how you are everything to me, my amazing, wonderful man, you make it all good in life, I can and have gone on and on about my love for you and about how wonderful I know you are, all the wonderful things about you, but it doesnt get through it seems, I dont know what else to say to make you really believe that sometimes its nothing to do with you or anything you might have done that causes me to want to talk, or to feel needy, or to just have a needy day. I dont know what else to say, except I love you, with all I am, forever. You make me happy, more than happy, so content, so safe, so secure and life is good, I hope someday you believe that.

Im sorry I again said stuff that you took wrong, Im sorry Ive started our day off yuckyish, Im sorry I have needy times, Im sorry in the past I got upset over certain things and now everything I say you assume is me being upset over you. Im sorry I make you feel these things, when thats the last thing I ever want. Im sorry my love, forgive me and know I love you.

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
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