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| | From:  krissaean (Original Message) | Sent: 10/23/2008 1:37 AM |
Hi love, I miss you! I hope you dont get too cold out there lol. I am so cold right now as usual I know lol. I love you! I just wanted to try to explain and hope you dont get frusterated with me for repeatedly asking if you love me even when your upset. I hope you are not getting annoyed. Its just if you understand its only out of fear and worry that I keep asking you. I love you so very much and its true that in some of our arguements or even if your just upset with me you can get so upset, or angry that you shut everything else out except that only feeling. You can and have been so cold, so hard and distant at times from me that it scares me so bad...essp. when I am in pain or upset or hurt and I need you, I need you so bad not to pretend your not upset, I know you are and that is okay, but to be able to go past being upset with me and see Im crying or very hurt and love me and want to help me through that. I dont want to dismiss your upsetness or anger, thats not what I want, and I could so happily accept you saying something like, hey Im still upset but I see your in pain and I love you and cant stand to see you hurt, let me help, or what can I do? I feel so alone when you get that cold and its like you get so very angry or upset that you can only see, feel and hear only that anger or upsetness and nothing else and it scares me. I just need to know that your love for me is stronger and more important than any amount of anger or upsetness, that your love for me and wanting me to be okay far outweighs remaining totally cold towards me and turning away when I need you most sometimes. I am not a hard skinned person, you know that and Im sure there are plenty of women out there who could handle that sort of cold/ hardhearted reaction, but I am not one of those.....it hurts me so deeply and scares me and I feel so alone and I cant, I honestly cant take thinking that for the rest of our lives that is how it will be when your really upset or when Ive done something wrong, that I get punished in the worst way imaginable and when I need you so badly, just to even look at me with love, to speak a soft word or two, to touch me gently, to acknowledge your anger but my pain as well, I need that. Just as much as you need your time, or me acknowledging your anger.....I need to know I am worth more than the energy it takes for you to remain so distant and cold and that your love will always come out on top of even the worst arguement. So Im sorry if Im annoying you with asking, I keep thinking on things and I know your the type who wants to just move on but then if we just move on, nothing ever changes, we never grow, we never learn and get better at taking care of each other, we cant always just move on without trying to talk and work through some issues sometimes, so that next time we can help each other better, so we can grow even closer. Im sorry I worry, I get tears still just thinking about it all, and the only reason is because my god Glen, I LOVE you so very much, you truely are my world and more than anything else I never want to hurt or upset you and I hope when you are hurt I always rush to help you feel better even if Im upset, because I love you that much, because nothing makes me feel better than seeing you feel better, because feeling apart from you or alone is a living hell. You are everything to me, I just pray I am that for you, and its just hard sometimes when you can be so cold to feel that I am that for you, please try to understand that, please try to see that in my eyes, not yours. I LOVE YOU, more than you will ever be able to realize, more than anything else and your my total everything. Im sorry I annoy you, and Im sorry I test your patience. I dont try to be difficult, I hope you know that. Smile for me? All my love forever, Amber xxoo |
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Did you get a chance to read this love? I would love your thoughts, feelings, response if you want or have one. I love you xxoo |
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Well, I'm sorry I didn't respond immediately. I'm sorry that through my actions, I make you feel like what you have to say is not important. I'm learning every day as to how you want and need me to be as your partner, husband and soulmate. There's so many things and ways I need to change, it just seems overwhelming at times but I'm trying. I understand what you are saying in this post. I understand your feelings, and fears. I do feel, even though we have many things in common, on an emotional level we are pretty different. You've mentioned a couple of times about my past relationships, and how I have handled emotional situations. I can understand how it's easy to assume things, but sometimes we can be way off in our assumptions. You feel like I handled emotional situations with shannon the way I have with you, and so that's the only way I know how to handle it. In some aspects that may be true, but with her, she never became emotional. She never cried, or had breakdowns. Yes, we would have many arguements, but it was over stupid things, and honestly, there was no point what so ever to argue with her, because she never, ever listened to my point of view on things. I don't want to make excuses for how I react to certain things. I guess I just get frustrated sometimes, because when you become upset, it's usually from something I did or said that wasn't right. Maybe I don't know how to take in and process just yet someone who can become very emotional over something that in my mind is not worth getting so upset over. I never experienced really emotional situations with shannon, and I love you with all my heart and when you get so upset, I take it very personal, like it's an attack on me and who I am and things I do and say. I never had deep conversations about emotional things and feelings with her, because it was simply impossible, non existant. I have difficulty getting deep into emotional conversations with you sometimes, because I know in the past I have said things that only made things worse. And to be honest baby, I never even had that growing up. I admit, my skills in that area are very hampered. It's just always been easier to, in some situations, just kind of down play things, and try to move on to a happier place and do away with drama and just try to be happy. But, I am smart enough to know that's not always a good idea. I'm the kind of person who feels the need to bury extreme emotions, and you are the opposite, someone who can be quite emotional. We are at different ends of the spectrum on that, and I think we could both stand to meet somewhere in the middle. You are right when you say I can be very caring and understanding in some cases. That's usually when it deals with something else that I am not the cause of. I understand you asking me repeatedly if I love you even when I'm upset. I need to tone down some of my reactions so you will never doubt that. I need to learn to be more understanding, even if it's my fault you are so emotional, I need to be more sympathetic to your feelings. I need to learn to communicate better, and to articulate my thoughts into words so there is no confusion in your mind as to what I mean. I'm trying sweety. Like you said, we are constantly growing and changing. We just need to always make sure we are moving in the same direction.... together. I love you. I love you just as much as every single day, no matter what is going on... no matter what we are doing or talking about. I am sorry my reactions have seemed extreme enought to you to make you think my level of love had changed. I agree with you on that, that it can seem scary. I am so sorry for that babydoll and I will change that because I love you with all my heart. |
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Thank you for taking the time to respond, it is important to at least acknowledge each other when we have something to say, to let that person know they are heard and maybe that we even tried to see their point of view. Im sorry I am such an emotional person, I always have been, I warned you from way back before we even met that was me and I know you dont like dealing with it and feel most of the time Im just over reacting, getting upset over nothing, but to your nothing, might to me be something. I know we are very different emotionally, but there was a time we were a lot closer in that respect, where you wanted to hear my feelings, know my thoughts, help me through issues and try to understand, we worked through things together. Even if I knew I was being emotional, just you trying to at least see my point or understand a little bit, really ment so very much and helped. You tend to try and make it seem like I make it out to be all you, you do this, you do that, its so not the case and I wish so bad you would try to stop taking everything so personally which then makes you just want to shut down and dismiss everything I say as emotional nonsense. As you said, we are different, so its not about you did this or didnt do that or its you, its about my reaction to some things is different than yours and together we are supposed to help each other through them. I can and do take things personally as well, I know. I tend to think I have greatly failed in every regard of my life, I tend to think if I was just a better wife you wouldnt get so angry, you wouldnt just shut down so fast, you would want to communicate and share and be there, I feel its my fault a lot, so I understand your feelings of feeling that way too and I try very hard to stop and see your point in things and I work hard at always trying to make you see and feel its not YOU, its a issue WE have and its something we as a couple could work through if we could get past the selfish feelings we both get. I dont try to make drama I hope you believe that, I dont try to make a big deal, I mean the last thing I enjoy or want is drama (tell me you believe that please) but if something is in my mind important or hurting or making me feel a certain way I do strongly want to work it out, make it better, make us stronger, make you stronger, me stronger, grow, not just remain as we are and oh its easier to just forget it and move on to a happier place until the next time we go through the same things all over again and again and again. Thats worse to me, to never make progress. You dont need to learn to be more sympathetic to me love, you have it, you used to show it alot, its just along the way gotten pushed aside for other things. I love you so much, I wish you could look in my mind and heart to see how very much, and with that love comes a desire to never upset you, or make you angry or make things worse or try to be a emotional retard that annoys the hell out of you, you have to know those are the last things I ever want, I hate in fact. You get upset with me and take it personally when I say I feel like a failure but I think you need to know these things that they are important, when you share that you feel its your fault my immediate desire is to somehow do my best as your soulmate to make sure to change that in you, to help you see its not, to make you feel better, thats my job, I need to know your feelings, even the bad ones to ever be a good wife to you, its my job, my honor and my pleasure to strip away slowly all the negative things inside you, to help you realize how amazing I see you, to instill in you a sense of total love, of belief in yourself as a great man, to lift you up, thats what partners do for each other and thats why I always want to know the bad and good, if I know just the good, how will you or me or us ever become better? So thats why I share my feelings too even though they just make you mad. So yes i feel like a failure, I feel unimporant, I miss certain things, a time when you had more patience with me and a desire to help me through to a better place, I feel alone sometimes. But dont take these statements and get ruffled and decide its all you and Im putting any blame on you and its because of you and all that.....we'll never find a better place if thats the only thing you take from me saying these things. I dont feel we are constantly growing anymore, I feel like we have become stuck and Im not sure why totally, partly me, partly you, partly who knows what else..... Last night you got upset with me again over the sharing of things, I want to say a couple things on that, one you said you just joined multiply to see what it was and thats why you didnt tell me, thats fine but honestly love you dont tell me ever when you join places, you never told me you joined brian keene (which I dont care but I just like to know we share everything with each other), you never told me when you joined the netflix community, you never told me when you joined reunion.com, you never told me when you joined facebook (which bothered me the most)....I feel left in the dark sometimes and I dont like not sharing all parts of our lives, you used to feel the same way. Im not sure why you need to join places and chat with new people, I thought that was something we both did when we were lonely before we met and now we had each other, its something else you used to say but changed now. As for the emails, you were the one long ago who said to me, you had nothing to ever hide from me and you wanted to share everything.....and that was back before we were married, before we were nearly as close as we are now and yet now, now when I feel like why do we need to keep passwords from each other, now you change how you feel, for some reason you dont want to share as before, which doesnt make sense to me but Im trying to accept even though I dont agree. I just feel if were soulmates, if the rest of our lives are together why keep passwords from each other, why keep anything from each other, is there any reason to ever hide anything from the other? Is it really such a big deal now when back before we even met it wasnt? You say its what, a lack of trust? I say thats an excuse, it has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with if were sharing eternity together, if we were once so close we believed in nothing kept from each other, why not now? I dont ever want to lose that magic that brought us together and made us fall in love, that amazingness, remember the feelings? God how exciting it was, how you were the sun and stars and everything else in my eyes and oh I felt so special in your eyes, I felt so very special and imporant.....you still are my sun and stars and everything between, you still make me feel amazed, I still sit in awe at thinking and looking at you and thinking, your mine? You chose me? How amazing is that? How special is that? I still feel all those first feelings of I cant think of anything else but you, and nothing else is important but you, but its matured and grown and gotten stronger and deeper...but I still feel those same things.....And I remember how you made me feel, so important, to someone in this life, in this world, I mattered, my thoughts mattered, my feelings mattered, you listened and you didnt just listen but you really tried to understand me and help me and you took the time to make me feel I was worth something to someone, to you. You made me feel so special, the sweetest man, I couldnt sleep at night because I just laid there thinking about you all the time....and I still find myself every single night waking up and then seeing you laying there next to me and just watching you sleep and feeling that amazement and awe. Ive never felt very good feelings about myself as you know and i know you havent either for yourself, but you tenderly and slowly and lovingly have brought so much out of me, you have helped me see so many things I never did,you helped me see that maybe i actually had something of value to give to another person, that I might be not as bad as I always strongly believed, that I could make someone else happy, that i could be loved even with all my flaws. You helped me feel things i never felt before, feeling safe, feeling special, feeling important. Ive grown a lot, maybe you forget to see that sometimes but I see it, I know it, in so many ways I have, essp. in the intimate areas, in the opening up of myself and my deepest feelings and thoughts, you are the one who brought all that out for me. And yes i still have a million things I could and try to grow on and become, but I have come a long way and I hope to go much farther with you. I want you to see and know that you think of only now and that oh I think you did this or you made me feel that and when Im upset its all your fault, but Glen, every single day no matter what, even when Im crying my eyes out I always think and know and remember all that you have done for me, how many wonderful, amazing, precious things you have brought into my life and you have helped bring out of me. No one else but you has done all of that and more and these minor little upset things, these times I get hurt or we argue are nothing compared to what you do and have done and always will do for me, to me, for us. For the rest of my life you have forever changed my heart, my soul, my inner being so much for the better and nothing can or will ever take that away or be stronger than that. You think you cant help me when Im hurting or crying and you dont realize that the only thing I need is you, is your love, your patience, your tenderness than you have given so willingly in the past, you think its all because of you and yes your right, my life is ten million times better and amazing and its all because of you. I love you so much, and I pray and hope that we will continue to grow and change and move together forward because of our love, because of how special it is we were brought together against all odds and we fought and made it here and to get to this point and become stuck in this rut of feeling, its my fault or its your fault, or Im just going to feel angry and not take the time to hear my partner anymore, or Im just going to cry and not try to explain anymore and think he should just read my mind, all those things and more only hurt us and I believe our love is so special and more important than anything and it deserves so much more than what we both have been giving it lately. We take for granted things sometimes, including our love, and yet love needs to be nutured and tended to at times, it needs care and attention, you can love something so much but if you dont take time to take care of it and give it the attention it needs it can and will stop growing. Sometimes we take our love for granted and we take each other for granted and think well now that we have it, we dont need to work as hard or do as much...and to a point thats true, but we both still need those things we once showered each other with, our love still needs tlc and time, we both need that. I couldnt sleep for worrying too much and feeling sad so I wrote, I hope I havent upset you again. I hope only good things come from this talk and we both see some things maybe we have been neglecting to see as much lately. I love you, with all I am I love you, if I didnt love you so much I wouldnt be sitting here typing away for almost an hour trying to say things the right way to help you, to help us and not cause upsetness. I wouldnt care so much that it leaves me sleepless and anxious ridden, but the fact is I do, you are still and always will be my world, I need nothing else but you, your love, your time and patience, your understanding and tenderness, your strength and gentleness. I just need you. I love you my one and only true love, Amber xxoo |
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PS, before I forget as for myspace- The only thing myspace ever brought us was fighting and heartache, its nothing I ever and I hope you ever want to re-visit again. To keep in touch with what two or three people that matter from the group, we can try multipy or keep looking around, unless you had other reasons besides that for wanting to re-join myspace? The memories from our problems from myspace are nothing good. I just dont think we need to join anywhere that involves chatting up with new people, I have you and no desire for anything else, as for Chelle and the other couple of people we actually talk to in our group, again, there are smaller places that we can just keep in contact with them, do you feel differently? |
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Hi babe. Well, let me respond while it's fresh on my mind. First, I just want to say that I am not mad as I type this. I know it's easy to misinterpet things while reading something, verses actually hearing the tone of someones voice, so just keep it in mind that I am just responding with my own thoughts and in no way angry. You mentioned somewhere in your last post, about chatting with other people, and that's what we both did back when we were both lonely. I feel like... and it's just my feelings and you can elaborate on it if you like, but I feel like it is planted deep in your brain that I am trying to chat with people online. I'm not real sure where this is coming from exactly, but I have not done anything to make you feel that way. You know me, and you know I do not "chat." I joined the Brian Keene website, because I actually found an author that I enjoy reading, and I am automatically always logged on to the site, meaning that you can see everything I have ever posted. There is no chatting on that site, only discussing his books and horror. The same thing goes for Netflix.... always logged on, about horror. You have easy access to these and I don't understand where the issue comes into place for this. Facebook is a site I joined quite a while back, long before any myspace issues. I'm pretty positive I told you about it, and I know I've told you that I thought it sucked. That's a site I have rarely gone to because there is absolutely no activity. I never, ever joined reunion . com. You have to pay for that. You can however put in peoples names and it tells you if they are members. I put in Rhondas name a long time ago, and yes, more recently I put in your name as well. I joined Multiply after chelle posted the link and showing the announcement that groups would be closing. I wanted to see what it looks like and if it was worthy of moving the group to. You left me a message the very next day saying nothing but .... just curious, what is multiply? .... and I guess babe, it does get me defensive a little to know that every single thing I do online is searched out and interrogated. I see links added to the drop down box, like abandon hope and other things, and I know you search out everywhere I have been. That's fine, but I'm not stupid, and I have nothing to hide, but please do not dismiss that there is a serious lack of trust in our relationship. Much like I will not dismiss looking at porn, making you feel insecure. I promised to you I would not do that because I understand how it makes you feel, and I only want you to be happy. This is a quote from what you wrote in your last post, making me know that there is a serious trust issue ......"unless you had other reasons besides that for wanting to re-join myspace?" How is a comment like that suppose to make me feel sweety? I suggested it only as a way to keep in touch with people, because I find it sad that we can't even be on myspace without ridiculous, childish jealousy issues from both of us. I thought if we both had an understanding that we could make it work like two loving adults in a loving relationship. I am sorry I suggested it, and I'm even more sorry you think I may have had an ulterior motive. I suppose, if I seem reluctant to share passwords these days, it's not because I have something to hide, but more about the principal of it and the motives behind the reason. Of course I want us to be as one, to share every aspect of our lives, but it should be for the right reason... not because we feel the need to see and know what the other person is doing or saying. I do understand your feelings baby. I blame myself for putting a seed of distrust inside of you. But, at the same time I hope you can see that at times those feelings can be allowed to get a little out of control, and if we let it, it can be more damaging in the long run. I don't want to be pushed away from you. I don't want to feel as though I am under a microscope. I want us to feel as one through this life and beyond, together. I want us to feel like we are on the same team sweety, working together, not against each other. We did have that at one time, and we can get that back, but only if we are both understanding and patient. I love you with all my heart. You should know this, whether I get mad at something or frustrated or quiet, or anything at all, you should know at all times that I love you. Emotionally, I admit, I may be a little stunted, for whatever reason through the course of my life. No matter what a day may bring us, overall, at the core of it all, you should know in your heart that I love you. I promise to work on how I react to things. I promise to try and be more understanding. I only hope you too can learn to be able to step back from yourself and see your actions and reactions in a different perspective. We both need to work on that babe. Not just me... not just you, but both of us. I love you. I just want us to be happy, with everything in our life. I know it can be difficult in times of being broke, but I have changed in so many ways since we came together. I don't take many things too seriously like I use to. I've learned to relax, and just take life as it comes, and it is a nice feeling. Yeah, I have a long way to go. I still stress sometimes, but with you by my side, I get over it and brush things off my shoulder, and just knowing at the end of the day you are by my side, and the kids are healthy and we have a roof over our heads, and we have the things and hobbies we love, that's all that matters. We have each other baby, and that's the greatest gift in the whole world. I would trade a billion dollars and the security that comes with it, just to spend my life with you and the security and happiness, that can offer. To have someone you trust, and can confide in and love and be loved unconditionally, that's the best thing in the world, above all else. I love you and need you, above all or anyone else, and I never ever want you to doubt that for even a split second. Your man, for Eternity baby  |
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Hi love, Thank you for responding so fast. I have some things to respond to but like you said at the begining I want to make clear I am not saying anything in anger, if theres any feelings in what I say its sadness, but not anger. Its fine with you joining Brian Keene or what have you, thats not the problem for me, its not telling me is what is harder for me. I wish you would understand that, instead you try to keep explaining why you joined something and I just want to know why you dont share with me. You are a member of reunion.com, not a paying member where you can look up peoples info and all but a member enough to have a password and get email updates and you had a list of people girls and guys including me, Rhonda and others you had added. You didnt search Rhonda out a long time ago it was the day after my birthday this year, months ago. I dont try to search out everything about you online, although I know nothing I say will make you feel different, yes there is some trust issues but you know why that is, you know where that comes from and Im trying to get that back, it is not my fault some trust was lost awhile back, you dont seem to realize one of the ways for me to build that back is to be able to see you have nothing to hide as you say, I just need to work on rebuilding it and Im sorry it bothers you so much. There is no "serious" lack of trust, as for the question you highlighted, I know you wont believe me but it honestly was just a question with no intentions behind it or thinking you wanted anything wrong from it, I only ment if there was some desire to go back there for just regular old reasons, I promise to you it wasnt ment as a "do you have ulterior motives" which is what you decided to take it as instead of asking me. Im sorry you felt that way, but those feelings can be helped by asking me before deciding for yourself what i ment or was trying to say. It is very sad we both have childish ways, but Im not about to jump back into something that caused us problems before when we havent worked through those things yet. As for your comment on the principal of not sharing passwords, its not like I was asking you to rob a bank, do drugs, steal from the elderly, I mean I was asking for something very simple and I dont get, the priciple of it. You say it should be for the right reason...what makes you decide its not for the right reason? Whats makes you decide when it is? How do you know? Back when we barely knew each other and had not even met it was the right time then, but now that we are married and supposed to be at a point of total openness and working on rebuilding trust, well now its not the right time. You mistaken if you think doing that to help us will be more damaging than not. I quote you, "I dont want to be pushed away from you" so what could I ever do to push you away from me? You know how you highlighted one of my sentences in your response and decided what you felt it ment and it hurt you? Well this little comment, of "I dont want to be pushed away from you" and the one of "being under a microscope" makes me feel like its almost like a threat, like if I dont back off, if I keep trying to push to share all our lives like adult married people do, well then I will be pushing you away from me. As for feeling under a microscope, you know sometimes in marriage that can happen, essp. if someone breaks a trust, then they kinda have to accept and deal with the other one trying to rebuild that trust and maybe feel that way a little but if the love is strong and true, its not a big deal because as you always say, nothing else matters, nothing else is important but me, but us and if in becoming closer it takes feeling that way sometimes, personally for myself I would gladly, happily accept and welcome it, anything to make you feel better, anything to help you, anything to make our love stronger, our marriage work. Because like you always tell me, NOTHING else matters but our love and nothing else is important but in making us happy together. So were not working on the same team together anymore, lost that I guess? Im really scared now, more than I ever was before, I mean I didnt know that I could ever push you away from me, I didnt know i could make you feel the ways your hinting at that I could if I just keep trying to "push" for things you dont like or agree with. I didnt know you feel were not on the same team working together anymore. So Im really confused and scared and I dont know what to do or think or say or feel. If I keep being emotional am I soon going to find you being pushed away, do I have to watch what I do, what I say, how I act now out of fear? Would that be a good relationship or marriage to live in fear of thinking "well if I do this or say that or try this it might push him away from me, he might feel he is under a microscope" I thought one of the big points of marriage was the freedom to be able to be who you are, to express what you feel, to show all that you would never show to anyone else knowing that that person will always love you, be by your side, help you through it and you have no fear of say, them going away, them rejecting you, them being pushed away. That soulmate is suppose to be your champion, to be your protector, to be your cheerleader, your confidant, your best friend, your one and only whom you never have anything to fear from, in that person you are safe always, no matter what. Thats a huge thing for me, feeling safe, I think you know that and part of feeling safe is knowing theres nothing you could say or do (except of course cheating) that would ever make your partner be pushed away, be distant, pull away, leave you. You said "I want us to feel as one" dont we? Wont we always? Is that in jepardy because I needed to try and rebuild trust and asked you for something so stupidly simple and shouldnt have been an issue, but it is? Being honest here I am truly scared big time, Im sure you will think Im over reacting, Im not taking time, Im being emotional, Im out of my mind, Im not listening or something Im not doing right, but that is how i feel right now and it should matter, even if you want to dismiss it as stupid it should still matter, Im scared, I feel like a nothing, I feel Im obviously not a good enough wife to cause you to feel you could possibley be pushed away, that we are not on the same team and other things. I cant live with wondering if Im pushing you away or wondering if you think we are one or that we are on the same team, I cant worry if your feeling under a microscope, if your having doubts or anything like that, I cant and i shouldnt have to. Thats a part of love that should be steadfast in the worst of times, that should be part of the anchor, those things in a true love, soulmate marriage should be unwavering and never a worry in either persons mind or a doubt or a concern. There are plenty of other worries, concerns, fears, but when it comes to the strength of our love, to the closeness we should always have, to the depths of how commited we are to be forever together, those things are and should be core strengths to never worry over. I shouldnt have had such a hard time asking to share passwords, it should never have been a big deal, there is never a better time than the present, because the past is gone, we dont have a promise of a future only a hope, but what we do have is now, today, these moments, its not just your choice to decide if the time is right or the motives are right, again, I cant see how the time was fine when we were still getting to know each other but as a married couple, now, when building trust back is important, now its not a good time? That baffles me. But after this post I wont be asking you anymore, I dont want to "push" you away. So I'll drop it, keep it to myself, dont speak of it, dont want you to feel pushed anymore or like your under a microscope. I promise to drop it and not ask you anymore, but dont think its gone from my mind or heart, I just wont continue to do something that could possibley cause worse issues and make you pull away. I'll do whatever it takes, whatever I can to try and get you back to feeling comfortable and not watched over or spyed on, because I love you, I would and I try to do anything I can to make your life better, so Im sorry Ive bugged you about something so bad that you have begun to feel these very yucky things, Im sorry. It wont mean I dont still have feelings on things on the inside, but I can do my darnest to keep it on the inside and not let it out so much, whatever it takes. Im sorry I cried so much earlier, I know it bothers you.....I hope that doesnt push you away at all? Are there other things I do that might push you away? What do I need to do to make you feel like we are working together? What have I not done? Not listened enough? Being too emotional (that one is harder to change), not taking care of you enough? What am I not doing? I hope I can sleep, I love you, I wasnt angry writing this, just scared and sad. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to try and be better. I pray I am yours for eternity, my heart and soul is yours, I just hope you always want it and never get pushed away from me. My only wish for this Christmas, the only thing I want honestly, is for us to regain back some of that specialness we once had, to fall in love all over again in those amazing, wonderful, awe struck ways we have felt before, to become so much closer, to have total trust, devotion and commitment to each other. To maybe re-commit in a special private way to taking our love to even higher, better levels, to growing, to finding our way back to what we have always had but seem to have lost lately. I only want that, nothing else, thats all that matters to me. I love you, Me. xxoo |
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WOW !!! That's all I can say. That's all I even want to say, is WOW. |
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