Who says reality television is nothing but mindless entertainment for the mouth-breathers of the world? Last night’s Big Brother was an educational experience. As a Mid-Westerner, I wasn’t sure what protocol was for being stuck in an earthquake.

The cameras were rolling when this week’s earthquake hit southern California. Memphis directed the houseguests to the middle of the backyard. I already figured that was a safe move. But Jessie taught me that it’s imperative that you then take your shirt off if caught in an earthquake. I never heard of that before, but why else would he tear his shirt off in the middle of an earthquake? It has to be safety, right? Certainly not vanity.

The previous episode painted producers into a corner. Everyone openly stated that Angie would be leaving. So the producers had to do all they could to make it look like houseguess were still contemplating the notion of voting out Jessie. Luckily, Jerry did his part to help them out. After talking with Angie and giving her a throw-away “hang in there�?type of comment, Michelle and Jessie overhear this and take this as the house turning and planning on voting out Jessie. Insert Harvey Danger song here.

Once again, a shouting match ensues, with Jerry at the center. Michelle accuses Jerry of kissing up to whoever has the power each week. Jerry shouts right back. Jessie gets into the mix. And moments later, all of their negativity triggers the earthquake that hits southern California.

Jessie spends most of the episode antagonizing people. He makes goodbye motions and blows kisses at Libra, as well as passing Jerry and referring to him as Father Time, while making fart noises. But remember, Jessie isn’t just a buff body, he’s about being respectful and smart, too.

Finally, it’s time for the proverbial boot as somebody will get voted out. Each houseguest gives a speech. Angie’s speech is polished and meticulously crafted. Jessie’s speech is a rambling mess that I couldn’t make sense of with a TiVo to rewind and closed caption subtitles turned on. Not to mention, I think I even caught a niner in there. He may have given his speech from a walkie talkie. Regardless, the house votes unanimously to keep the Man Child and Angie walks out the door.

The one moment that did surprise me in all this, was that of the Chen Bot showing an ounce of personality when she corrected Dan during his vote �?“I am married, but Mrs. Chen is my mother.�?Burn!

Just before the HOH competition, we learn that Dan has been voted as America’s Player for the week. Dan accepts this, and will soon be forced to house America’s hand up his butt as he becomes our puppet.

This is usually the part where I tell you who won the competition, but it was an endurance competition called “Living on the Edge.�?Houseguests stand on a fake ledge, with the one who lasts longest, becoming the new HOH. A winner isn’t crowned by the time the show goes off the air, but we do at least get to hear the Chen Bot spout bad puns such as “There seems to be a nice breeze�?before fans blast the contestants and “Hang in there, it’s going to be a bumpy night�?before the ledge begins shaking.

This just in: Producers of the next Batman sequel have just contacted Julie Chen to play The Riddler in the next installment, due to her witty double entendres. Her only weakness? Having the stones to refer to her as Mrs. Chen on national tv.