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| | From:  hootiesmom (Original Message) | Sent: 1/28/2009 6:22 PM |
... from a friend on a NASCAR board that lives in SC. Sorry about the size. Just being silly.  Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.
'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin it here, 'cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D.?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
And this from South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.
AMEN!!! |
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Uhmmmm .... I am having a SH*TS N GIGGLES moment. SHUT UP JOE!!! Another from a NASCAR friend. Notice the large print so we can see to read them without our bi/tri-focals! Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with newly lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
>Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem
A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba---
Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And Last but NOT least:
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
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LMAO. Thanks for the laugh. I think I'm going to steal the 60's stuff. haha .... |
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Hi All. Diane ... glad you liked it. Steal on my friend. |
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Nothing Southern about it .... just cute from a NASCAR friend. Good gawd, if I offend anyone ......... get over it. The Black Bra
Told by a wife.........
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
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