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Vent : My Favorite Cousin
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Message 1 of 9 in Discussion

From: Ridley (Original Message)

Sent: 10/13/2004 4:45 PM

This is not so much a rant as it is pouring my heart out. I just found out that my cousin Bill died. I can't seem to quit crying.

He was an amazing person. He had cystic fibrosis. He was so funny and so brave. I'm trying to describe how wonderful he was and all my words seem empty. I can't even scratch the surface.

As my title said he was my favorite cousin. He got me thru some of the darkest times of my life. He always made me laugh. I loved him so much I named my son after him.

He was a free spirit. When he was well enough he used to ride a Harley. He used to take me for rides. It was funny when he would come down to see us sometimes I'd be working at McDonalds. He'd come in to see me and I'd run up and give him a big hug. The people who knew me would look at me like I was insane. Here I was throwing myself into the arms of this bearded, tattooed, long haired biker.

He was an artist. He was always sending me drawings. I kept every one of them. He always made me feel good about myself and he laughed at my jokes.

My kids loved him too. My daughter idolized him pretty much the same way I did growing up. I don't know how I am going to tell her. Hubby and I decided we would tell her together. She fell apart when my Aunt died, couldn't sleep for a week, I can only imagine what this will do to her.

The thing that kills me the most is I didnt' get to see him before he died. The kids were sick and I was afraid to visit him for fear of making him sick. He was so frail. I didn't get to tell him how much I loved him. I feel so guilty. I wish I had went any way.

I've had people die in my life but this one hurts worse than any one so far. I feel so empty and sad right now. I am so heartbroken. I can't even express how horrible I feel.

I have to pull myself together now. I am going to scare my son. And my daughter too when she comes home from school. Maybe I'll call my Mom and see if she'll take them for a while.

Thanks for listening.

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Message 2 of 9 in Discussion

From:

AthosHawke

Sent: 10/13/2004 6:22 PM

Ridley,

I too hda a very close cousin who died. He wasn't just a relative, he was my best friend growing up. Alhtough he was younger than me, I looke dup to him. He knew how to live life and he never let anything stand in his way. I respected him more than he ever knew. I miss him terribly sometimes.

I can understand the emptiness you are feeling. I can understand the hurt and guilt too.

I did get to say goodbye to my cousin. I was in the hospital room when they shut off the life support machines. I had to be there. I had to "see him off"...out of respect...out of love. After he was truly gone, I cried. Cried like a baby to be honest.

I can imagine how you must be feeling. I think of my cousin often and wish he were still here.

There are lots of cliche' comments that most people make at times like these - "he's in a better place", "time will heal", "you'll always have fond memories", etc. etc., but none of that ever really makes it better. Nothing can, not right now. Right now you're hurting and you have to feel your pain.

So cry, if you feel like crying. Think of him and feel all the emotions that come to you. Let yourself grieve and mourn. You lost someone you love.

We all love you and we'll be here to talk, or cry, or just goof off with you when you're ready.

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Message 3 of 9 in Discussion

From: Kass

Sent: 10/13/2004 8:52 PM

Ridley,

I am very sorry for your loss. This must be hard on u and the kids. I know what u are going through been there and done it many times myself. CRY ALL U WANT IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. If and when you are ready to talk I am hear for you. Just like we all are. I'll even bring the PB to help out.

Rock, jazz, country, soul & more. Find the music you love on MSN Music!

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Message 4 of 9 in Discussion

From: Ridley

Sent: 10/14/2004 2:22 AM

Thank you Bro and Kass.

I won't be online for a day or so. I hope you all understand.

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Message 5 of 9 in Discussion

From: Disisme

Sent: 10/14/2004 2:51 AM

Ridley,

Crying is the most natural thing to do when you have lost someone who has meant so much to you. I've been right where you are quite a few times in my life, and it is different every single time, for every different person. Give yourself permission to greive the loss of this special person in your life, try not to feel guilty, this wasn't your fault, by the way you have spoken of your cousin, I'm sure he knew exactly how much he meant to you,

take care of yourself Rid.... sending prayers to you and your family

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Message 6 of 9 in Discussion

From:

¤¢ü†ôƒƒQµèéN¤

Sent: 10/14/2004 7:26 AM

Take as long as it takes Rid. I'll guard the PB supplies.

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Message 7 of 9 in Discussion

From: Red Pilgrim

Sent: 10/14/2004 1:55 PM

Sorry for your loss, Rid.