The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Jilly Cooper

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns

We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you
Unknown

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
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Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac...
Unknown

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Unknown

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything...

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