DUST ON THE BIBLE

The Wall - July 27, 2006

Watching my Mother be emotionally abused by my Father which
eventually brought on her near-death suicide attempt, led me to
internalize my feelings, and put them behind "THE WALL" I built
around my heart. My Father was, and still is, the angriest, most
controlling and domineering individual I've ever known. I
literally felt my Mother's pain, yet attempted to shut myself
off from it by physically plugging my ears and running from any
and all confrontation.

I became a person who always wanted to please others; to be the
best at everything I attempted. I simply refused to pursue
anything unless I was reasonably certain I could obtain
perfection. So as you might surmise, my endeavors became very
limited. To receive love and acceptance, I felt I had to be
"doing something" to obtain it. Then being sexually abused by
the son of a family friend and having it excused away by my
Father as, "Boys will be boys," caused me to further internalize
my pain. I came to the realization that voicing it did not bring
resolution, nor did it bring love and approval. Because of "THE
WALL", I waited years to share the abuse and my subsequent pain
with anyone.

I have known God since I was a child through the faithful
example of my Mother. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior at
age twelve, and have, since then, had a strong personal
relationship with Him. Still I resisted letting even Him into
the deep depths of my heart. "THE WALL" I'd built by that time
was thickly layered and nearly impossible to penetrate. I had a
fear of letting my feelings be seen, so although I never stopped
talking to the Lord every day, I continued to keep Him and
everyone else on the outside of "THE WALL". I know within my
heart that the Lord was watching and waiting for me to turn to
Him and lay everything at His feet. Yet, even I could not break
through "THE WALL" I had erected around my heart.

Finally, almost four years ago, after having both my strong
spiritual examples, my Mother and my Mother-in-law, pass away at
relatively young ages, after moving 600 miles from anyone I
knew, and after repeated thoughts of suicide, I turned to God,
somewhat as a last alternative. I began to read the Word of God
daily and allow the Lord to speak to me through it. I could not
believe how relevant it was to what I was going through in my
life. "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on
every word that comes from the mouth of God." Matthew 4: 4

I began to journal and that allowed "THE WALL" around my heart
to begin to crumble. The Lord was faithful every day to speak to
me and to reassure me of His unfailing love and affirmation. He
released His purpose in my life and I began, without
reservation, to live to please Him, rather than pleasing
everyone else. The Lord became the "counselor" I so desperately
needed and, believe it or not, I was anxious to go to therapy!
He became my comforter, my refuge and my source of strength in
every circumstance. I came to the revelation that I didn't have
to "do things" to obtain His unconditional love and acceptance.

Now I turn to the Lord, most of the time, without hesitation. I
open His Word daily and He is faithful to speak to me no matter
the time or situation. I prayerfully seek His guidance in all my
decisions. My life is definitely not a bed of roses, but I am
able to handle all adversity by praying, reading God's Word and
journaling. I no longer allow my feelings to be put behind "THE
WALL". Just as "THE WALL around Jericho came tumbling down, so
did "THE WALL" around my heart. I now exist to fulfill this
scripture:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the
Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us
in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2
Corinthians 1: 34

Contributed by Dara Bennett:

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