hi deb and everyone,

i havnt been around for a while as things have been quite hectic in my personal life,ive been doing alot of soul searching, while doing this i made some discoveries about myself that i have been largly unconscious of.

ive always thought of myself as being inhibited but i never really realised i am so insecure. it was only through looking at a situation one day that i realised i send out so many wrong signals to people that potentially push them further away, the root cause is fear.

 

there is a blockage operating within me where i wont show affection or interest to those that im fond of, instead i put up a wall and give them a deceptive false impression im not interested in them ,deep down i dont want to do this but it feels like i have to and i cant show how i feel.i have no problems communicating my feelings to others but i just cant seem overly enhusiastic about people that i want to form a close friendship or relationship with.i have been hurt by those that were supposed to care about me so many times that i feel if i show how much i care and what i really feel the same will happen to me again.

 

alot of people say i am far too nice to people,but i couldnt see myself being any different,i know im really nice and thats why people walk all over me,its another reason why i feel i cant let my true feelings show ,i feel im running the risk of personal humiliation. some people can get past issues of insecurity by using their confidence,which is something ive never been able to do since its always been rock bottom.

 

this is something i think i need to do something about as ive blown out so many opportunities cos of being too inhibited,it eats away at me everyday knowing im commiting a crime to myself and that really gets to me and makes me uncomfortable since i have to live with it. situations which come up in everyday life either serve as a reminder of my problems or put me in a situation where i have the potential to act in a similar way again.

 

what i need to get past is my fear and insecurity, but how do i know im not gonna be hurt and taken advantage of again,i have neptune in the 7th opposite my sun,and saturn is squared in the 5th holding back my affection,its tough to know when to trust and when not to.