My father has Mars at 4⁰ Taurus. He was born in a little town and his grandparents were farmers. They were very religious Protestants, and when my grandmother got pregnant, it was a scandal. She refused to say who the father was of her unborn child. I don’t know what happened with my grandmother, because it wasn’t discussable in my family. What I know is that a few years later she married someone else, and my father got his surname. The things I know were told by my grandmother of mother’s side.

My father had a difficult childhood; his father beat him and didn’t accept him as his son. My father had six brothers and sisters. When my father became 16 years old he signed up in the marine, he began as an ordinary sailor. They sent him in to the war. After WW II he was sent out to Indonesia to fight. At the end of the war in Indonesia he got wounded and they sent him home and he stayed for six months in hospital. In that time his parents didn’t visit him. When he was dismissed from the hospital he didn’t go to his parents, he stayed in Amsterdam where he met my mother and they got married.

My parents didn’t have a good marriage, in part caused by the things he saw in the war and in part because he missed the travelling and freedom he had felt when he was at sea. My father died a few days before he became 80 years.

I have my Descendant at 7⁰ Taurus. The ruler Venus is in the 8th house in Gemini. Before I was born my mother gave birth to two sons, one stillborn and one who died a few hours after birth. Then there was me, a healthy daughter with black curly hair. Then my mother gave birth to a baby girl, however a few hours later she died. Then there was my sister a beautiful baby with blonde hair.

I can’t remember much of the time before the birth of my sister But from the moment my sister was born things changed, and I became a sort of out-cast. My sister was everything for my father. I grew up in a house that didn’t feel safe and warm, and I became a rebellious child. Of all the things, I most remember the loneliness that I felt. My fortune was my grandmother who lived next door, she always told me that I didn’t do anything wrong, that it was my father who was wrong, and that it had to do with his birth-father and the way I looked, so different from the rest who were all blond with a light skin. But for a child that is difficult to understand.

When I think about my childhood and all the things that happened �? what was the price I had to pay. I wasn’t an unhappy child; I had my own world, my books and fantasies. Maybe a bit strange, as a young child I felt a desire some type of homesickness and I never knew for what. It was difficult to understand and when I grew older it disappeared. It was some kind of feeling that came up and sometimes stayed for hours or days. Writing about it I can still feel it deep inside of me, that longing, that desire. I know that I have paid a price; one of it is my marriage. I never learnt to commit myself to someone. I learnt that from my children.

The relationship with my father stayed the same till the day he died, because of that there isn’t even contact with my sister and my mother died before my father.  

So my father tried to eat me, but I survived. I’m not angry with my father, I did forgive him but also myself. It was as it was.