In honour of the great May 24 weekend and for those who may need brushing up on their skills, we offer the following:

 

                  BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

 

SYMPTOM               FAULT               ACTION

Feet cold and wet	Glass being held at incorrect angle	Rotate glass so open end points toward ceiling<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Feet warm and wet	Improper bladder control	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about housetraining<o:p></o:p>
Beer unusually pale and tasteless	Glass empty	Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights	You have fallen over backward	Have yourself leashed to the bar
Mouth contains cigaretted butts	You have fallen forward	See above
Beer tasteless, front of shirt wet	Mouth not open or glass at wrong angle	Retire to restroom and practice in the mirror
Floor blurred	You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass	Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving	You are being carried out	Find out if you are being taken to       another bar<o:p></o:p>
Room seems unusually dark	Bar has closed	Confirm home address with bartender
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspects and textures	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitation	Cover mouth
Everyone looks up to you and smiles	You are dancing on the table	Fall on somebody who looks soft
Beer is crystal clear	It’s water. Someone is trying to sober you up	Punch him
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear	You have been in a fight	Apologize to everyone you see just in case it was them
Don’t recognize anyone. Don’t recognize the room<o:p></o:p> you’re in<o:p></o:p>	You’ve wandered into the wrong party	See if they have free beer
Your singing sounds distorted	The beer is too weak	Have more beer until your voice improves
Don’t remember the words to the song	Beer is just right	Play air guitar