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| | From:  tabby952001 (Original Message) | Sent: 6/3/2008 6:51 PM |
I've had to make a very difficult decision....one that I'm just heartbroken over. My husband and I lost our home 17 months ago, when I could no longer work due to my disability. We have been staying (I can't call it living) in his eldest daughter's basement since that time. This place is very unhealthy for us, and has kept us sick continuously. I hate living here under these conditions, and I also can't stand his daughter's and her family's choice of lifestyle. With my medical condition the way it is, I'm afraid if I stay here, I will die here sooner than I would have otherwise. I must leave this place for my own health and sanity. But that means I will also be leaving my husband. I love him with all my heart and it's tearing me apart. He has done nothing to look for a safe place for us to move to, nor has he made any attempt to look for a new job elsewhere even though he hates his current job immensely. He seems resigned to live in this house with his daughter and his grandchildren, despite the health dangers. He has developed COPD while being down here in this basement. We are breathing in black mold every minute we're down here, as well as other toxins. I am going through one difficulty with my husband, currently, with his obsession of viewing pornographic photos he's downloaded on his computer, and we have been having some very heated arguments over it. I've tried to explain to him how it makes most wives, including me, feel seeing their husbands looking at lewd images of other women. But this is not the reason I am leaving. I want to spend the rest of my life with him because I truly love him with all my heart. But my health and sanity depend on me getting out of here. I will be leaving tomorrow, while he is at work. He doesn't even know yet that I'm moving out. I don't have the heart or the courage to tell him. He has a tendency to explode in a rage without thinking beforehand. A couple of days ago was the first time in the 10 years of our marriage that he actually apologized to me. He regretted yelling at me over the porn, but he never said he was sorry he was downloading and enjoying the porn...only that he was sorry for yelling at me. My son and his wife, and my daughter and her husband and children all live in a town 2 states away from here. My son has bought me a plane ticket to come down there, and I will be staying with my daughter and her family. As much as I love them, my heart is still breaking over leaving without my husband. I have written him a long message explaining why I left. I will be gone by the time he gets home from work. I just can't help but feel like a heel about this, but after weighing all the pros and cons, I know this is the only way I can get out of this unhealthy environment, and regain my health. I told him, in the letter, that I still love him and that I'm still in love with him...and that I'm not leaving him, I'm leaving this house. I told him that my hope and prayer is that he chooses to move down to where I am going, and rebuild a stronger marriage with me, and even offered to help him search for a new job at that location, or transfer from his job here to an opening there. He works for HUD, and there are HUD properties all over this country, including the area I am moving to. Please pray for both of us. I want prayer for him... that he takes my leaving in such a way that he doesn't go off the deep end, but that he realizes that this is the only healthy thing to do; and that he makes the right choice to rejoin me there soon and that can we work on our marriage relationship instead of him going into a rage and ending our relationship out of anger. Pray, also, for me. I am taking a big risk, but I see no other option. I just can't stop crying over the prospect of life away from him. God, please reassure me that I'm making the right decision. |
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Tabby -
I hope you recieve this before you leave, or that you find it after you get to your son's house. You are doing the right thing. Never doubt it. I did. My ex was not viewing porn, but he was drinking copious amounts, and having periods where he lost awareness of what he'd done. At the same time, he was physically abusing me. I had allowed him to return after separating. Like your husband, if he had enough to keep a roof over his head (even a leaky one in the ghetto) and beer and cigarettes handy, the rest of the bills were my problem. I had come to from being unconscious from a seizure for I don't know how long, only to see him shaking our 13 month old daughter like a rag doll. I called my mom from a pay phone that night, and she came across the state for me the next day.
Sometimes we have to make hard decisions that break our hearts. You have been in that basement for months. If your husband is content there, then that is his choice in life. But you do not have to condemn yourself to the same illness and squallor that he is choosing to have. The fact that his daughter has not attempted to improve conditions is deplorable. If he is with HUD, he can get a transfer anywhere he wishes within a month or so. The choice is now his. I am afraid that many men (and women!) who become facinated by these types of things become so entangled in them that they lose a perception of true reality, even when their entire family abandons them because of it. Here in Arkansas, we have had State Troopers running arrest procedures on sites like this. Persons who watch them will go to chat rooms and set up meetings with 'kids' who are actually police officers. When they arrive, they are arrested. I hope it doesn't take something like this to wake your husband up to where he is going. It did a relative of mine.
Both of you are in my prayers. If there's anything I can do, my email is [email protected].
Yours,
Milinda
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: I Need Your Prayers
Date: Tue, 3 Jun 2008 10:51:22 -0700
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I Need Your Prayers
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| From: tabby952001 |
I've had to make a very difficult decision....one that I'm just heartbroken over. My husband and I lost our home 17 months ago, when I could no longer work due to my disability. We have been staying (I can't call it living) in his eldest daughter's basement since that time. This place is very unhealthy for us, and has kept us sick continuously. I hate living here under these conditions, and I also can't stand his daughter's and her family's choice of lifestyle. With my medical condition the way it is, I'm afraid if I stay here, I will die here sooner than I would have otherwise. I must leave this place for my own health and sanity. But that means I will also be leaving my husband. I love him with all my heart and it's tearing me apart. He has done nothing to look for a safe place for us to move to, nor has he made any attempt to look for a new job elsewhere even though he hates his current job immensely. He seems resigned to live in this house with his daughter and his grandchildren, despite the health dangers. He has developed COPD while being down here in this basement. We are breathing in black mold every minute we're down here, as well as other toxins.
I am going through one difficulty with my husband, currently, with his obsession of viewing pornographic photos he's downloaded on his computer, and we have been having some very heated arguments over it. I've tried to explain to him how it makes most wives, including me, feel seeing their husbands looking at lewd images of other women. But this is not the reason I am leaving. I want to spend the rest of my life with him because I truly love him with all my heart. But my health and sanity depend on me getting out of here. I will be leaving tomorrow, while he is at work. He doesn't even know yet that I'm moving out. I don't have the heart or the courage to tell him. He has a tendency to explode in a rage without thinking beforehand. A couple of days ago was the first time in the 10 years of our marriage that he actually apologized to me. He regretted yelling at me over the porn, but he never said he was sorry he was downloading and enjoying the porn...only that he was sorry for yelling at me.
My son and his wife, and my daughter and her husband and children all live in a town 2 states away from here. My son has bought me a plane ticket to come down there, and I will be staying with my daughter and her family. As much as I love them, my heart is still breaking over leaving without my husband. I have written him a long message explaining why I left. I will be gone by the time he gets home from work. I just can't help but feel like a heel about this, but after weighing all the pros and cons, I know this is the only way I can get out of this unhealthy environment, and regain my health.
I told him, in the letter, that I still love him and that I'm still in love with him...and that I'm not leaving him, I'm leaving this house. I told him that my hope and prayer is that he chooses to move down to where I am going, and rebuild a stronger marriage with me, and even offered to help him search for a new job at that location, or transfer from his job here to an opening there. He works for HUD, and there are HUD properties all over this country, including the area I am moving to.
Please pray for both of us. I want prayer for him... that he takes my leaving in such a way that he doesn't go off the deep end, but that he realizes that this is the only healthy thing to do; and that he makes the right choice to rejoin me there soon and that can we work on our marriage relationship instead of him going into a rage and ending our relationship out of anger. Pray, also, for me. I am taking a big risk, but I see no other option. I just can't stop crying over the prospect of life away from him. God, please reassure me that I'm making the right decision. | |
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Hi Tabby,
It sounds like you've really thought long and hard about this. I can't tell you that this is the right choice, because you have to do what is right for you and your family. If the two of you can go to marriage counseling, provided that the both of you want to work on it, then that would be my suggestion. I am sorry that you are going through a tough time. It would be better if you talked to him fact-to-face instead of a letter. You have to do what you are most comfortable with. I know sometimes men need motivation or a "wake-up call' as a way for them to acknowledge our feelings and concerns. (Sorry guys) You have made arrangements and hopefully things will improve. You come first! If you are not happy then you need to do what you need to do.
I will keep you in my prayers,
Sam I am |
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Hi Tabby, I hope you got to your sons saftly. I also hope that your husband has contacted you and has taled you about moving to were you are. Don't ever think you have done wrong you have to think of yourself and I also think you are defently thinking of him as well. My Prayer are out there for you hun, and him. Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing!!! Hugs, withangels |
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Hi Tabby,
It for sure doesn't sound like you made a wrong decision to me. You needed out of that situation. Esp. to have children around stuff like that is totally wrong. So good for you for leaving. Hope you are still able to keep in touch with us on the boards. Know we are here for you.
Jana |
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