This quiz is "self-scoring" which means you score it yourself. Write down your answers. There are instructions for scoring it and interpreting your score at the bottom. And now, the quiz...

1: What are the first words to the U.S. National Anthem?
a: "Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light..."
b: "Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain..."
c: "Here's the story... of a lovely lady..."

2: A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is...
a: absolutely delightful!
b: a recipe in _To Serve Man_.
c: a meal.

3: If he's a lumberjack, then he's...
a: fond of flannel.
b: called "lefty" for a reason.
c: okay.

4: If someone's calling you "little buddy," then he's probably...
a: your dad.
b: your cellmate.
c: the Skipper.

5: Rod Serling is...
a: something your mechanic charges $350 for.
b: the president of the Hair Club For Men.
c: the creator and narrator of "The Twilight Zone"

6: "It takes diff'rent strokes..."
a: to make a fine painting.
b: to prevent early hair loss.
c: to move the world.

7: "You would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card
attached would say..."
a: Happy Barmitzvah Steven!
b: Hope I poked enough holes in the box so the puppy could breathe.
c: Thank you for being a friend.

8: Who was born on a mountaintop in Tennessee and killed a bear when
he was only three?
a: Bob Dole
b: Grizzly Adams
c: Davy Crockett

9: Scooby Doo is...
a: what happens when you drink the water in Mexico.
b: what Frank Sinatra says when he forgets the words.
c: a cartoon dog.

10: "Amazing Discoveries" is a show about...
a: science.
b: explorers.
c: stuff insomniacs buy.

11: The phrase, "My wife, I think I'll keep her," was used by...
a: male chauvinists everywhere.
b: OJ Simpson.
c: Geritol.

12: "Yakkety Sax" is...
a: what comes out of the spit valve.
b: highly recommended by Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
c: the closing theme to "The Benny Hill Show."

13: "You're soaking in it," was commonly said by...
a: John Holmes.
b: Marc Sommers (host of "Super Sloppy Double-Dare")
c: Madge, the manicurist.

14: Which product calls itself "the quicker picker-upper"?
a: cocaine
b: Stayfree Maxi-Pads
c: Bounty Paper Towels

15: According to the commercials, what's Australian for "beer" mate?
a: "beer"
b: "fizzy roo piss"
c: Foster's Lager

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Scoring The Quiz

As always, the scoring is simple. Give yourself 1 point for every A,
2 points for every B, and 3 points for every C. Total up your points
and consult the chart below.

15-24 Points:

Have you been living in a cave? TV is the cultural literacy of the coming generations. If you don't start catching up, you'll be left
behind. But don't worry, get cable. You'll be able to keep up with all the new shows and watch re-runs in your spare time. Together you and TV can beat this. You won't feel left out at parties or confused around the water cooler anymore. You'll have things to talk about. You'll be one of us, and you _do_ want that, don't you?

25-33 Points:

Okay. Odds are you probably stayed home sick from school a few times with nothing better to do than watch TV. But generally, you spent your time doing other things, like talking to your family, going out with friends. Don't you realize that relationships with people cause
nothing but pain and disappointment? Come... watch television... it's your friend too... and it will _always_ be there for you...

34-42 Points:

We're getting up there. You probably watch TV most nights. That's good. If you went out, you might actually have fun. Do you know how many people get hurt while having fun? No? Then you haven't been watching the news. See what happens when you don't watch enough television? The TV people are looking out for you. They care about
you. Just stay inside the house and watch them. You'll be safe and entertained and nothing will ever hurt you if you just keep watching.

43-45 Points:

Gentlemen, our plan for taking over the world is nearing fruition. When they're all finally locked safely in their homes, knowing
nothing about the world outside but what we tell them, we will have complete control. "Must See TV" is doing a brilliant job, and the
Barney project is roping in the young ones quite adequately, but we have to do something about that Friday Night line-up. World domination through Urkel??? Get real, people.