“What you feel is based on what you say to yourself,�?says Marilyn J. Sorensen, Ph.D., author of Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem. “If your mother has died, for example, and you’re feeling like you can’t imagine life without her, practice statements such as, ‘My mother would want me to draw from her strength and go on with my life.’�?/P>

Similarly, if you’ve had a personal setback, such as being passed over for a promotion, talk to yourself in glowing terms. “Take negative words out of your vocabulary,�?says Dr. Sorensen. “Tell yourself, ‘If things go wrong, I will handle them and move on,�?or ‘I’m still in the process of growing and learning.’�?/P>

Besides speaking to yourself positively, find family and friends who can do the same. Experts agree that a support group or a supportive family member will help you sort through the changes you’re experiencing. If you can’t talk to friends, try writing what you are feeling in a journal, says Ben Allen, Psy.D., a Chicago-area psychologist. Doing so can help you frame your thoughts and turn them into positives. And don’t limit yourself to words. Even drawing pictures can help you sort your ideas.

Imagine the good that change will bring
If you focus on the negative aspects of a sudden development, you can’t see the ways in which your life may improve, says Dr. Johnson. Years after it happens, many people say that getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them. That’s because when such an event occurs it forces people out of their comfortable circumstances and requires them to look for other paths to happiness. Usually, he says, they find them.

Sure, moving may mean losing touch with friends, but it may also mean a higher standard of living or a chance to enjoy new pursuits. If the change involves a new career, you may have to start at the bottom again, but you’ll have years of life experience to guide you as you go.

“All of us have two personalities existing inside,�?Dr. Johnson says. “One chooses to see change as a loss, one sees it as a gain.�?Your job is to figure out what it is that you’ll gain, and focus on that.

“Most of us get into a rut where we just accept things,�?says Jules Andres, a 37-year-old corporate communications executive. “It’s easier to float along with the life you know and not make things happen.�?After dealing with life changes brought on by finding her birth parents, Jules felt ready to tackle other things in her life. So five years ago, when a job offer came from Los Angeles, it took her just 24 hours to accept, even though she’d never lived anywhere but Texas. Having made one positive adjustment, she was ready and able to tackle more.

Look for the thing that nourishes your soul.
Dr. Johnson calls it finding your “cheese�? the activity that really makes you feel good. “Your cheese usually isn’t what you think it is,�?says Dr. Johnson. “If you look at what’s really important, you may find that it’s not a big house, but being outdoors or having time to spend with family and friends.�?/P>

Say you’ve spent a career as an accountant but have a talent for flower arranging. In fact, you feel most peaceful when you are smelling the greenery and creating a lovely bouquet. Perhaps your “cheese�?is opening your own flower shop rather than sitting in an office all day crunching numbers.

Your “cheese�?may be quilting, volunteer work or hiking. Instead of trying to do things the old way when you face change, find ways to put more soul-nourishing activities into your life, Dr. Johnson says. Ask yourself what will make you happy and fulfilled. If you’re about to move to a new area, focus on the “cheese�?that will bring you joy, such as a project that will make your new home brighter and more comfortable