I hope you can help. Why does it seem that everywhere I work, people do not like me? I am a little shy and very friendly. I initiate a conversation only if somebody smiles at me or talks to me. At work, I don't socialize much. I don't regularly stop by people's cubicles or offices unless I have something important to discuss. I do chat with people when I'm comfortable with them and when I have time.

The reason I say people don't like me is that I see other people go to lunch together and get asked; nobody asks me. I see people stop by each other's offices to chat regularly; nobody stops by my office unless they need something. Sometimes I even feel that people are talking about me. I did find out once that people are being nosy about things I did (what I do, what's going on with my life and so on). But why? I don't talk to other people about them. I hate gossip.

That's why I am usually just in my office, keep things to myself and smile and chat with people. But people don't seem to reciprocate. What am I doing wrong? Why am I such an easy target for gossip? How can I get people to cozy up to me and be a good work buddy?

Chili

Mary Mitchell At a loss as to how you should handle a social circumstance? Find out how social skills expert Mary Mitchell has helped other readers handle their stickiest situations -- and how you can, too.

Dear Chili:

All of us send signals about how we want others to treat us. The problem is that often the signals we send are perceived as something else.

For example, if you are shy and reserved, others often interpret that as stuck up and aloof. Believe it or not, that was my story too.

So the question becomes how to change the perception. If we want others to treat us differently, we must behave differently. Do you smile often? Laugh easily? Volunteer for various chores, committees and so on? What about actually asking, "Mind if I join you?" when they go to lunch?

These folks are only reacting to the signals you're sending out. Only you can assess what those signals are. If there is someone you trust at work, go ahead and ask for feedback.

Good luck! You can do this.