Cell-Phone Secrets
Should I be suspicious of his after-hours calls?
Dr. Diane Mandt Langberg

 I've discovered my husband's made multiple cell-phone calls after work to a female coworker I've met only once. These calls happened when I wasn't around or sometimes late at night. I even intercepted voice-mail messages from this woman, asking him when they would get to hang out again. What should I do?

Sit down with your husband and simply state the facts. Ask him what they mean; don't accuse or draw conclusions. In fact, say little, because then you'll learn more about what's going on inside him. Prepare for this discussion beforehand with prayer, asking God to expose the truth.

No matter what your husband's explanation is, you're right to be concerned. When you're married, a secret relationship with another person, no matter its extent, is wrong. It's a way of saying, There's something going on I don't want you to know about. While that something still may be more on an emotional than physical level, it's not truthful and open.

If your husband responds defensively, then something's not right. Calmly let him know it feels as though his self-protection is more important to him than you are. Make it clear this relationship is not OK with you. Gently probe as to why he thinks it happened. Does he have concerns about his relationship with you he hasn't voiced? Are there areas you need to work on together?

Run, don't walk, to this conversation. This is something that needs to be exposed so you both can deal with it, pray about it, and seek God's healing touch. I'm struck by how easily accessible this information was. Perhaps your husband's indirectly asking for your help. But if he refuses to talk or to terminate this relationship, seek help from a pastor or counselor.

Dating in the Dark?

A frequent customer at the café where I work seems interested in me, but I won't date a non-Christian. I haven't had an opportunity to find out what he believes. If he were to ask me out, what should I do?

If he asks you out, why not say, "How about we meet for coffee and get to know each other better to help us figure out if that's a good idea?" He may be taken aback by your unusual response, but at least it's not a rejection! An informal chat will give you a chance to learn more about him as well as to gently explain your "no" if it turns out he's not a Christian.

Another response would be to return his invitation for a date with an invitation to something at your church, followed by that casual chat over coffee. On one hand, this is a more cautious approach because you'll be in a group setting, but on the other hand, it's bolder because you immediately put your faith front and center.

Whatever you decide, make that decision known to a few people who will pray for you, meet him if you choose option two, and follow up with you to make certain you maintain your obedience to God.

Married to a Junk-Food Junkie

My husband and I have been married 20 years. He's let his body go to pot by eating junk food. Over the years he's gained 90 pounds, despite various failed attempts at weight loss. I don't find him attractive and resent what he's doing to himself—and us.

It's painful to watch your mate's appearance deteriorate because of his self-destructive choices. That amount of weight gain raises serious health concerns, too. You live, eat, and sleep with this man and are confronted daily with his self-destructive behavior. The impact of that on you is huge. Yet remember, God's called you to love and respect your husband even when he profoundly disappoints you. Pursue God to change your heart because your resentment can be as destructive as his junk food.

Clearly your husband's in bondage to junk food. If his desire to change is minimal, then pray for God to awaken it. If it's there—even weakly—then he'll not only need a group to help him in terms of diet, but also a few godly men who will pray for him and hold him accountable. That keeps you somewhat separate from his struggle so you don't end up policing him. It also would help if you went to a bookstore or surfed the Internet to read up on obesity, compulsive overeating, and food addiction. A grasp of the underlying dynamics will help you find healthy ways to relate to your husband's unhealthy problem.

If your husband expresses no desire to change and you've let God change your heart, then perhaps the next step is some kind of intervention with you and some well-trusted friends or a professional counselor. Your husband is abusing his body and shortening his life. Bringing that reality to his attention in the context of loving friends sometimes can open blind eyes.

Diane Mandt Langberg, Ph.D., is an author and licensed psychologist in private practice. Have a relationship question for Dr. Langberg? E-mail her at [email protected].

Copyright © 2004 by the author or Christianity Today International/Today's Christian Woman magazine.