A. As the only child of elderly parents who lived 600 miles away, I admired the attitude and independence of my mother and father. But as they grew older, they were no longer capable of living on their own. Initially, we moved my parents into our home; then into an apartment; and finally, one by one, into a nursing home.

During these years, I learned that God’s grace and His Word offer support and wisdom for decisions, conflicts, and responsibilities involved in this process. I often turned to Jas. 1:5 : “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.�?I’ve also learned some ways to help others prepare for similar situations.

Plan ahead.

Many adult children don’t realize that parents may be hospitalized suddenly and thereafter unable to return home. Research community resources before there’s a crisis such as a fall or a stroke. Take the initiative to talk about the status of their finances, health-care plan, and Social Security benefits.

You may also want to learn about Advance Medical Directives. Discuss with your parents and attorney the advisability of a living will and durable power of attorney for health care. While Christians must guard against promoting euthanasia, people have a right to accept or refuse medical treatment. If your parents are not competent, you and your siblings should discuss these options with a physician. Throughout the process, it’s important to communicate clearly with everyone who has a stake in these decisions and to listen to those who can offer valuable expertise. As Solomon wrote, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed�?(Prov. 15:22 ).

Learn ways to help from a distance.

As a distant daughter or son, you can help by calling your parents and caregiving siblings regularly. If you can, relieve caregivers occasionally. Keep in touch with medical and nursing personnel as well.

If there are no helpers near your parents, a professional care manager can step in to assess the situation and arrange for

necessary care. The Eldercare Locator number can assist you at (800) 677-1116.

Take one step at a time.

Occasionally, a parent needs to move from a hospital directly to a nursing home. But often, supportive care from you and local agencies can help the older person stay in her home. If this is not viable because of frailty or memory loss, carefully investigate the different living options available. New adult-care residences and assisted-living facilities are licensed and must meet strict regulations. The ([202] 434-2277) has a number of helpful resources for those thinking about assisted care, including the booklet Caregiving: The Source for Consumer Information.

If you plan to move your parents into your home, first count the cost. Some families benefit from the wisdom and help the elderly offer. But conflicting lifestyles, loss of space and privacy, dietary needs, and health problems must be considered carefully.

Address past hurts.

What is your history with your parents and siblings? Did you grow up with love and encouragement? Or were you neglected or abused? Unresolved bitterness may affect your ability to serve your parents lovingly. Though it may be hard to forgive, Jesus gives us this clear word: “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins�?(Mt. 6:14-15 ).

Share your faith.

If your parents raised you in a Christian home, now is the time to demonstrate the fruit of your faith. Sharing, singing, reading Scripture, and praying will encourage parents when physical deterioration or mental impairment threaten their well-being. If your parents are not Christians, remember that it is never too late to receive the forgiveness Jesus offers. Many older people are receptive to the gospel. After I explained the gospel and read the Bible to a resident in my parents�?nursing home, she trusted Christ before she died.

Don’t worry about what you can’t control.

In taking responsibility for parents, it is your duty to prepare and provide for their needs. But you cannot make them happy. You can’t “fix�?the problems that come with old age.

No answer is right for everyone when parent-care decisions must be made. Trust the counsel of God and the counsel of other mature Christians who have experienced similar situations. Spend enough time in prayer to receive guidance.

Whether a parent lives in his own home, your home, a retirement home, or a nursing facility, God will provide strength and direction to you and your loved ones. “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak�?(Is. 40:29 ).

Marilyn Fanning is a freelance writer in Lynchburg, Virginia.