Recently I saw an article online that made me roll my eyes �?and then feel an odd kinship with, of all people, Gwyneth Paltrow. Apparently the fashionista/movie star has been the recipient of many barbs from the British press recently because of her complaints about the men of jolly ol' England. It seems that while she was in the land of tea and scones doing a summer stint on the London stage, she was asked on a mere two dates. Two dates in one summer! The horror! "British people don't seem to ask each other out on dates," she complained.

Considering how long it would take for me and most of my single Christian girlfriends to be asked on two dates, I thought, Dear Gwynie, the Brits have got nothing on Christians.

In fact, just this past weekend I was chatting with my friend Margaret about how seldom she and I and nearly all our single Christian sisters seem to get asked out. If it was just one or a couple of us experiencing a dry spell, I could understand. But when so many of the vibrant, put-together, intelligent, God-fearing, reasonably attractive single women I know spend nearly all of their Friday and Saturday nights for practically years on end hanging out with each other �?not always by choice �?I've got to think maybe this is a trend. In fact, a recent poll on the Singles Channel revealed that 54 percent of you (both males and females) haven't been on a date in more than two years.

Yes, I know there's more to life than dating and marriage. And anyone who's read even a handful of my columns knows I advocate creating a whole, fulfilling, God-honoring single life, not one where we're just sitting around waiting for Mr. or Miss Right. Still, this trend intrigues and slightly troubles me.

Sure, there are some obvious reasons Christians date less often than our non-Christian counterparts. For example, when non-believers go on a date the big question seems to be whether or not they'll end up in bed together; believers (at least those past a certain age) go on a date wondering if at some point we'll wind up getting married. While the bed thing should be taken seriously and considered sacred, sadly it often isn't. Of course, that's not to say we Christians take the prospect of marriage seriously enough all the time either �?but for the most part, we understand there's a potential "'til death do us part" promise hanging in the balance. Admittedly, that can be a bit daunting.

Margaret and I wondered aloud if it's okay for Christians to date casually, and if the I Kissed Dating Goodbye phenomenon has added undue pressure and confusion to the mix. Of course, all of this is heaped on the already sweaty-palmed prospect of putting yourself out there and risking rejection at an invite to dinner or a night at the movies together.

I got a bit of the guy's perspective when I was at my local coffee shop recently and struck up a conversation with a guy who I discovered has a son about my age. When we somehow got to the topic of men and women and relationships, this man talked about how much the "women's lib" movement has confused the matter. "My son doesn't know anymore what role he's supposed to take in relationships and what role women are supposed to take," he explained. "And women today can be so independent and forceful. It can be quite intimidating, I think."

I heard a similar sentiment expressed by a guy friend a while back. He told me I was too independent, a quality potentially off-putting to men, who, according to him, like to be needed and have a specific need to fill in a relationship. The independent, I-am-woman-hear-me-roar side of me bristled a bit at this revelation. Isn't neediness bad too? I questioned. But it wasn't the first time I'd heard or experienced the idea that male and female roles in the whole "dating game" have gotten blurred and confusing in recent years.

We can't even agree on who's supposed to ask whom out anymore. One guy I know sings the praises of women who ask men out; that's how he and his wife first dated. A couple of my married female friends admit they still wouldn't be hitched to their current husbands if they hadn't made the first move themselves. Other men have told me they're creeped out by women who take the initiative, as if that's emasculating them somehow. That in becoming stronger and more independent, as the man in the coffee shop and my guy friend alluded to, we women have taken over some of the roles men have traditionally played, leaving them without much of a place in relationship with us �?so why would they feel the need to ask us out? An article a friend sent me a while ago pointed to the fact that women today, with our own homes, great jobs, world travel, financial independence, self-defense classes, and ability to adopt children on our own, have left men without a "job."

Don't get me wrong, I don't think believers should become dating machines, and I do realize some Christians are dating. Sure, I know many singles live in areas where there simply isn't anyone to ask out. And yes, people are shy, they've been burned in the past, or they're still healing from a painful divorce or breakup. These are all understandable reasons to shy away from potential new relationships. But I'm not sure these reasons account for this phenomenon. If the basic sentiment I hear from nearly all the Christian singles I know or who write us here at the Singles Channel is a desire to be in a meaningful relationship moving toward marriage; then why isn't there much happening to get us all there? Why aren't more Christian men asking women out? Has "group dating" or a courtship model taken the place of traditional dating? Are those really viable means for finding lifetime love?

One reader e-mailed me a couple years ago about a sermon he heard once aimed at single Christian men, urging them to pursue relationships with their Christian sisters so we aren't left as susceptible to the advances of non-Christian men, who won't hesitate to ask us out. That rang true to my experience when, a couple years ago, a non-Christian guy pursued me with invites to coffee and dinner. I knew I shouldn't accept since a God-honoring relationship couldn't happen with this guy based on 2 Corinthians 6:14, which tells us not to be yoked together with unbelievers. But it was so nice to finally have a guy notice me and take a little initiative to get a relationship started. I'm not saying the fact that Christian men haven't pursued me much is to blame for my susceptibility to his advances, but it certainly did leave me more vulnerable.

Likewise, I know I and my fellow single sisters have done our fair share of damage to Christian men by sometimes not responding well to the few dates we've been asked on and by occasionally not allowing them to "be the man" on those dates and in those relationships.

So, what's the answer to all this confusion and frustration? Truth is, I don't know. I hope you'll write in your thoughts, opinions, and experiences regarding this issue and help us all find some sort of healthy solution, or at least start a healthy dialogue. One thing I am sure of, though, is that our God, who created us to need each other, and more importantly, to need him, wants us to get this relationship thing right, however that might look in our current culture. I suspect that only with heavy doses of love, forgiveness, and grace, as well as our eyes fixed on him, will we begin to find an answer.

Blessings!
Camerin Courtney

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Camerin welcomes your feedback and brainstorms at: [email protected]

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