State of the Date
A strange new world
By Camerin Courtney and Todd Hertz
Excerpted from The unGuide to Dating

Camerin: Here's how it used to be: Boy meets girl. Boy asks girl on a date. Girl says yes, and they date happily ever after.

Here's how it more commonly is now: Girl realizes she isn't getting any younger and that the dating prospects at her church are slim. She's asked by the 212th well-wisher when she'll finally decide to get married. Girl signs up for online dating service. Girl peruses hundreds of personal ads, and emails many men. A year and many techno-dates later, she gives up and wonders if she should try speed dating—or join a convent!

Let's face it—dating has gotten complicated. With the advent of many new technologies, trends, pop-culture influences, and demographic dynamics, the traditional route to the altar has become as outdated as an Atari game system. But nearly all of us singles still want to find love and get married. So how do we get from here to there? Good question!

Before Todd and I take a stab at answers, we want to unpack a few of the dynamics that make up this strange new world. By looking at how we got to "here"—single and in an utter state of confusion—we're hoping we'll be better able to get to "there"—better equipped to navigate this strange new world of dating and to eventually end up happily hitched (if that's in God's plan).

From our experiences and observations, Todd and I have found that confusion stems from six key areas.

I Kissed Josh Harris Good-Bye
Todd: I received a bizarre response from a Christian woman I asked out shortly after I graduated college. She was puzzled by the invitation and replied, "I'm sorry, I don't get asked out. I don't know what that means. I think we could go to a movie or something, but I don't understand what a date means."

Perhaps the key confusion in the Christian dating world is that no one really knows what "dating" is. What's a date? What kind of commitment does dating involve? Should we even be dating? Should we be courting instead? Should we just let our parents prearrange the whole thing and exchange some goats between families?

One reason for this confusion is simply that, like the girl I asked out, the majority of Christian singles just aren't dating much. (We'll explore this further in chapter 2.) If a Christian hasn't been asked out in three years, or is thirty and has never been in a relationship that's lasted longer than three months, there can be a great deal of confusion about dating.

While the Bible is our guidebook to living, it's largely silent about the meeting and getting-to-know-you process of romantic relationships. As Rob Marus, a singles minister who reviewed dating books in Christianity Today magazine, wrote, "If I were relying strictly on Scripture �?I would be waiting for God to create a wife for me out of my rib."1 Because of the lack of clear direction about dating in the Bible, we turn to what's being said in our Christian culture. This leads to the biggest contributor of confusion over what dating is: the mixed messages and divergent camps within Christianity.

Most Christians point to author Joshua Harris as the starter of the debate. "Josh Harris hasn't made my life any easier," Marus stated in his book review. "Thanks to him, my future wife �?may very well have given up the idea of ever dating."2

In his 1997 book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Harris wrote that dating isn't wrong, but like fast food, it's not the best option. His solution was a form of courtship (though he didn't use the word) he called "smart love." Basically, he defines it as developing a purposeful, accountable, and committed relationship based on sincere, God-focused love. He emphasized being motivated by a concern for others and not selfish desires. A flurry of books followed with ideas on how Christians should (or shouldn't) date.

"Christian singles are completely baffled by dating," wrote Benjamin, a reader of ChristianSinglesToday.com. "Many would agree there are some crazy ideas floating around evangelicalism today about the topic. By the time I graduated high school, the idea of dating had become so intimidating I almost gave up on the idea. There's no manual for dating or relationships, and neither kissing dating good-bye nor sitting at home is an adequate solution."

It's a confusing scene to figure out, and the confusion only grows when you're interested in someone. You have no idea what camp she's in. Has she kissed dating good-bye? Does she understand we're on a date? Do I owe her family any goats? Maybe we all should wear signs.

A typical story I hear over and over goes like this: Boy meets girl. They hang out, and boy behaves in the typical "courting" style for a couple months. They grow close. After a time, one asks for a vocal commitment, and the other replies, "Ummm, we're just friends."

It's confusing that so many different ideas exist within Christianity, but as Marus noted in Christianity Today, when you look closely, you may discover the problem is simply semantics. Jeramy Clark's I Gave Dating a Chance is a popular response to Harris's book. However, Harris and Clark basically use different words for the same thing—healthy, God-honoring relationships conducted with integrity. And come to think of it, maybe the fact that these notions are so similar is a good thing. If Christians focus on the concept of healthy, purposeful, God-honoring dating instead of wordplay, maybe some confusion over dating and courtship would diffuse.

But I still think signs would be helpful.

Girl Power!
Camerin: I was watching Kim Possible, a popular Saturday morning cartoon, on a recent lazy weekend morning when I realized what a microcosm this show is for women's changing roles in society over the past several decades (who knew?). Kim is a high school cheerleader who saves the planet during her passing periods with the "help" of her bumbling-but-lovable male sidekick, Ron Stoppable. In stark contrast, when I was a kid, Scooby Doo, Speed Racer, and Underdog numbered among my animated favorites. These shows all had male protagonists, usually the show's namesake; the female characters—with telling names such as Polly Purebred and Danger-Prone Daphne—were mainly there to admire the male characters and provide comic relief. My, how times have changed! Now there's Kim and her fellow fictional chicks Eliza Thornberry, Lizzy McGuire, and those Powerpuff Girls. These girls have confidence, special powers, equality—if not superiority—to their male counterparts, and a world that revolves around their latest crisis or accomplishment. Just ask any of these animated wonder kids—girl power is widespread, and here to stay!

As one who's always been more workaholic than domestic diva, I've been thrilled to watch women's roles expand and permeate our culture. I love that there are now female CEOs, professional athletes, politicians, and news anchors. I marvel that just a generation ago, my mom's main two options in college were nursing and education. Today, for the most part, the sky's the limit for us women. Universities are now turning out more female than male graduates �?in every field of study imaginable. The National Center for Education statistics project that by 2010 there will be fifty-nine female grads for every forty-one male grads. Simultaneously, motherhood is becoming more respected for the remarkable job that it is—shaping individual lives and our collective future. Though there are still strides to make, pockets of gender prejudice, and vexing questions about women's role in the church, in many arenas women are being celebrated and liberated.

But with all this advancement and equality comes a whole heap of confusion relating to the opposite gender. As we've renegotiated our relationship with society, we've had to do the same with the gender that's had to bend and flex to our changing roles. As Polly Purebred has become Kim Possible, Speed Racer has become bumbling Ron Stoppable. As a result of all this renegotiation, I'm regularly flummoxed by small incidents throughout my day.

For example, when I approach a door with a male friend or co-worker, do I open it or allow him to do so? Part of me still loves it when a man displays a traditional act of chivalry, and yet part of me recognizes the utter logic of opening the door myself if I get there first. I mean, I do have arms! Similarly, when I'm out for lunch or coffee with a date, do I expect him to pay out of tradition? Do I offer to pay for us both, since I earn a salary too? Do we go dutch? What's the subtle implication of each option, and are these things really what I want to communicate? Among the biggest of all gender-confusion issues is whether or not it's OK for a woman to ask a man out on a date. Is this a healthy way for females to go after what we want, or is this an off-putting, too-aggressive move? I was surprised by the numerous impassioned, conflicting responses to this question when I posed it to readers of ChristianSinglesToday.com (more on that in chapter 5).

All of these questions come before a relationship is even established. Once a couple has navigated all this tricky terrain to establish some level of commitment to one another, there's a whole host of new questions to tackle about gender roles within the relationship. From a female's perspective, it can be tricky to find someone who not only shares your beliefs and has some common interests and mutual attraction, but also who shares a similar view on the role the woman should play in the home if the relationship leads to marriage (which is the ultimate issue at hand, no?). Are there similar views about whether or not you'll stay home with the children, once you have them? What about the popular option of homeschooling? In our current age, what does it look like for a man to be the head of the household, as is established in the Bible?

I hate to admit it, but with all this confusion, I sometimes secretly long for the simplicity of a time when all that was expected of me was an occasional flirty hair flip, adoring look, well-cooked meal, or well-behaved offspring. Going from damsel in distress to savior of the world is wonderfully liberating, empowering, and affirming—and yet simultaneously tiring, complicated, and unforeseen-repercussion laden. Not the least of these repercussions is the utter confusion we now have when even contemplating romantic relationships (more on this in chapters 4 and 5).

Here's the Church, Here's the Steeple, What about the Single People?
Todd: Scene—Camerin's office:

Camerin: So this guy is trying to fix you up with a girl who wants to be a missionary?

Todd: Right. In a third-world country.

Camerin: And you don't want to be a missionary?

Todd: I'm uncomfortable at county fairs. Can you imagine me in Bolivia?

Camerin: OK, so the missionary thing is an obstacle.

Todd: And probably a sign that this isn't God's plan, right?

Camerin: Well, you wouldn't want to rob a third-world country of a missionary, would you? I mean, I know you want a wife, but those folks probably want some food and medical help and the Truth.

Todd: I guess it would be a tad selfish to say, "Sorry, Bolivia, this one's mine!"

There are boatloads of challenges unique to Christian singleness. On top of regular dating pressures, we also have to think about acting within God's will, about purity and integrity, and about living out our own calling to God's service. What if she's called to be a small-town Iowa pastor and me a doctor in Madagascar?

On top of that, I have myriad questions that confuse the issue when I meet a prospective date. How do I know if the cute girl in the grocery store is a Christian? Should I date someone in my Bible study or my church given the possible messiness if we break up? How do we reconcile differing beliefs within a shared faith? On top of all this mounting confusion, we add the fact that we aren't just looking for a good time but are hoping to find "the one." Before we know it, we're not just talking about someone to get coffee with but considering if this person we've spoken to twice could be a good spouse and parent. It's as if I should be handing out twelve-page applications and requiring dental exams.

Well, it gets messier. As we're dating and trying to figure how God wants to use us in our singleness, we live in an evangelical Christian culture heavily steeped in the institution of marriage. Here's a message delivered to singles at Joshua Harris's New Attitude Conference in 2004. The speaker was Dr. Al Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He said:

I'm going to speak of the sin that I think besets this generation. It is the sin of delaying marriage as a lifestyle option among those who intend someday to get married, but they just haven't yet. �?In heaven, is the crucible of our saint-making going to have been through our jobs? I don't think so. The Scripture makes clear that it will be done largely through our marriages. The longer you wait to get married, the more habits and lifestyle patterns you will have that will be difficult to handle in marriage. �?If you're seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, or in your early twenties—what are you waiting for?
I don't agree that Christian singles are largely delaying marriage. I don't think marriage is the only place God uses us. And I don't think the majority of Christian singles view singleness as a lifestyle "option." But Dr. Mohler was right about one thing: some Christian singles are waiting to get married. I know I am. But I'm not delaying it, as he went on to say, so that I can put my career first or so I can sow my oats (I don't know if I even have oats!). Instead, I'm waiting for when I feel God is leading me to marriage. And I really am looking. I trust his purposes. Of course, figuring out his purposes isn't always easy. Another dating conundrum Christians face is figuring out that tricky line between trusting him and also doing our part. It's an easy out for us to be passive and just sit in our houses and wait for God to drop a spouse on our doorstep. (We'll talk more about this in chapter 4.)

Yes, Dr. Mohler is right: the Bible does regard marriage as a sacred institution. And I want to be a part of it. But is it really a sin to be single past twenty? What about Paul? What about Jesus? I believe God works in individual lives differently. What is good for one person isn't necessarily the right path for the next. And I honestly believe most Christian singles aren't purposely ignoring God's call to marry. We want marriage, but not with just anyone. We want a God-chosen spouse.

I don't think marriage is a cure-all that will make us more spiritually or sexually healthy or automatically better at serving in ministry. Some people in the church seem to regard marriage as a first-aid kit that makes everything better, so you'd better hurry up and get hitched.

For instance, I used to be involved in a weekly prayer meeting with a large group of Christians who were varied in background, denomination, and age. It was a blessing, but it had one sticky point. Only two of us were single. I asked for prayers one day about a relationship I was in. I knew the relationship was no longer leading to marriage, and I was preparing to end it. I said, "Things aren't good, and I could use prayers for guidance, because we now want very different things." One married man, in all seriousness, turned to me and said, "Why don't you just propose?"

Maybe it's because I'm part of the first real generation of divorce and have seen that Christians are in no way immune to divorce, but it scares me to think others are suggesting that singles just jump into marriage at a young age and assume everything will work itself out. Yes, God is healing. And he loves marriage, but we also have to feel God's blessing on our individual situations. Because it's hard to understand someone else's individual calling, many marrieds in the church just don't get us. And that leads to a lot of feelings of misunderstanding, bitterness, and loneliness. In my prayer group, I remember several prayers along the lines of "Lord, thank you for the beautiful gift of marriage and please hold these couples and relationships in your hands as they serve you." A lovely prayer for them; a left-out feeling for me.

"In my church, the singles in their twenties and thirties are gone—they're missing," says Angela, a reader of ChristianSinglesToday.com.

It gets so lonely. Singles get discouraged when they attend church and there's such an emphasis on marriage. Churches don't seem to know what to do with singles. And so we don't find our place to serve, our role to play in our community of faith, and much-needed acceptance. Eventually, a lot of singles get discouraged and leave the church altogether. It's very sad, because where do they go? Yet another church?
If churches don't know what to do with singles, then it makes sense that they definitely don't know what to do with dating. A lot of Christians tend to marry young—during or immediately following college—and never really experience dating as adults. This leads to a lot of marrieds in our congregations who can't relate to us and our dating issues. And so the problem becomes that not only are singles largely absent on Sunday morning but also that no one is speaking to those of us there about what we're going through.

Not all hope is lost. While the confusion seems to be created by attitudes in the church at large, the solutions are in individuals. When I broke up with the girl I asked for prayer about, a respected older married man gave me the support and advice that really comforted me. And when my head is swirling with questions, I have friends—single and married—who offer advice or just listen to me prattle on like Rain Man.

Bridget Jones and Bachelor Bob
Camerin: If messages from the church about dating seem mixed, or completely absent, those from our popular culture are certainly clear. In your face, you might say. And, for Christians, a tad troubling. While I loved it when TV shows such as Friends, Ally McBeal, and Sex and the City began to acknowledge my demographic, as well as all the countless quirks and neuroses that can accompany the single existence, I felt an undeniable disconnect between the messages of my culture and the realities of my faith. In between all the depictions of roommate issues, families of friends, dating disasters, and liberating solo moments, were common threads that don't jibe with my Christian beliefs: casual sex, living with a significant other, rampant materialism. This new brand of singles-centered entertainment established many assumptions about our demographic—namely that we're flitting from relationship to relationship, enjoying copious amounts of "liberating" casual sex in search of the ultimate salvation: Mr. or Ms. Right (or at least Mr. or Ms. Right Now).

These assumptions are backed up by countless other pop-culture entities: The Rules, The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, Bridget Jones and the entire brand of chick lit she launched, and romantic comedies such as How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Even Barbie ditched boring ol' Ken in a 2004 publicity stunt/act of single-girl liberation—there are so many other boy toys to check out! I've often joked with my single friends that I don't want to be single, I want to be single in a TV show or movie. I'd have a fabulous apartment in a big city, despite a solo income and a high cost of living; great designer duds, which I'd wear even while bumming around my abode; an amazingly fit body, even though there's hardly any time to work out; a tight-knit circle of like-minded, equally fascinating friends; and more romantic possibilities than I'd know what to do with.

But reality is much less scintillating (and much more mismatched). My Friday nights are usually spent at home alone with a takeout dinner and a rental flick (which, dare I admit, I usually find quite enjoyable). My apartment is small, my hips are wide. My only designer duds are the ones I bought on the cheap at TJ Maxx. Just when I establish a tight-knit family of friends, one of them moves or gets married or becomes a mom. And more often than not, I can count the time between dates in months and years—a trend that's sweeping Christian singledom (more on this in chapter 2). Of course, there's also the issue of morals—I actually have some. Even when I have dates and they turn out to be great, we aren't hopping in the sack or living together or making babies together even though we're "just friends" (a la Ross and Rachel).

This gulf between the pop-culture version of singleness and the Christian reality of singleness creates one big problem: the freak factor. The more we see and experience this dichotomy, the more we feel like big ol' freaks for obviously doing this whole singleness thing wrong. We can start to feel like we're the only singles spending Friday night alone, wearing mismatched sweats when we're hanging at home, experiencing searingly lonely moments, and just hoping for a date sometime this year, this decade, this lifetime. The hot-tub rendezvous or fly-to-Aruba version of dating on reality TV shows can make our simple coffee shop get-togethers seem altogether boring. And when we watch teenage characters on shows such as The O.C. or One Tree Hill having more sex than Heidi Fleiss, we start to feel like silly fuddy-duddies. And after a while, we become hesitant to share our real singleness experiences with even our Christian friends, withdrawing into ourselves for fear that others will look at us like we have three heads for finding Me Nights exceedingly enjoyable and for longing for a date, let alone a good-night kiss.

So, in the end, our pop-culture depictions of singleness lead to lots of assumptions about the single life. These assumptions lead to a huge disconnect for us single Christians. And this disconnect leads to potential isolation—and mostly all manner of confusion about what dating is, what dating looks like, how often it's happening, and what happens at the end of said dates.

Family Matters (and They Do Matter, Whether We Like It or Not �?)
Todd: Even death cannot stop my family's relentless onslaught upon my singleness.

Last year, I got the somewhat expected call one Saturday morning that my dad's father had died. Because I had half of my friend Jen's possessions in the back of my pickup truck (I was helping her move—not stealing), I couldn't go home right away. So, by the time I did arrive home, my family had already done all the initial preparations and meetings with the funeral home. Unfortunately, some family members already had some other plans in the works as well: to set me up with Stephanie, the funeral home coordinator. That's right, the woman planning my grandpa's burial.

The real trouble came when word spread about this "prospect." At the wake, a family member asked in all seriousness—and in front of family, our pastor, and some funeral home employees�?So, how're things going with Stephanie?"

Sure, my family means well. Yes, they love me for who I am and are intensely proud of who I am. But there's also an assumption from some of them that I'm not "well" enough until I get married. And apparently they think I need help getting to the altar.

Constant setup offers and questions such as "So, are you just not ready for marriage?" and "When are you going to decide to get married?" hurt. Even if we're sincerely happy with who we are and have resolved to make use of the single stage God has us in right now, these questions confuse us. We feel pulled in opposite directions. We doubt God's plan. If my own family is making such a big deal about my singleness, maybe there is something wrong with me, I think. Maybe I should be doing more to find someone.

But really, my plight could be worse. I have a friend whose mom asked him if he's gay because he hasn't been dating. Camerin and I both have heard of similar stories about relatives questioning a single's sexual preference. How can we prove to our families that it's OK that we're single and not constantly on the prowl? Isn't the latter a good thing? And how do we deal with this confusion that doesn't only hit close to home �?but comes from home?

I had to face these doubts head-on at a cousin's wedding. Long ago, married people got together and decided that it wasn't enough to have big celebrations to announce their marriages, but they had to go the extra mile and turn it into a complete harassment of those still single. The answer? The bouquet and garter toss. "Let's get them all gathered in front of everyone and watch them squirm!"

At this particular wedding, I couldn't handle the ritual or the questions about why I wasn't seeing anyone, so I excused myself to the restroom during that portion of the reception. When I returned, I faced questions anyway. So, I handled it the best way I could. I flipped the table like Jesus in the temple and used a chair as a battering ram to get to the door. Well, OK, I just went for the whole honesty-is-the-best-policy thing. I told them I was uncomfortable with assumptions that I should have a girlfriend or a wife. "God is using me in my single state right now," I explained, "and I'm OK with it. And while I want to marry one day and try to meet someone, I think singleness can be as much of a ministry as marriage." Amazingly, this worked!

This started lots of honesty in my family about being single. My sister now prays about my singleness. She prays that God will send me a wife, or, if that's not in his will, she asks him to use me, support me, and keep me content where I am in life. I can think of no better prayer for my family members to say for my single days—no matter how many of them there may be.

Techno Trends
Camerin: I've always thought there's something altogether strange about trying to find love in a techno age. I've often joked about the inevitable outcome: telling my grandkids someday, "Then your grandfather IMed me, and the rest is history." Hmm. Not exactly the kind of love story singles dream of. Technological means of meeting and getting to know a date—email, the Internet, search engines, cell phones, text messaging, etc.—seem impersonal. And yet, in a day when dates are often hard to come by, they provide new, creative means for making a love connection (more on this in chapters 7 and 8). So we've come to a place in dating history when I sometimes read personal ads with my friends for sport, when 72 percent of ChristianSinglesToday.com readers admit to doing a Google search on a crush (out of 857 respondents), and when I hardly know how to interact with a new love interest without the use of email.

In fact, email has become so widespread in relationshipdom that none of us even batted an eye when romantic flick faves Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks used it to find love in You've Got Mail. While that movie portrayed the good aspects of email interactions—namely getting to know someone's personality before looks and hormones can factor in—it also showed the inherent complexities. Things written in an email can be misconstrued, no matter how many emoticons we add to try to convey the things we usually communicate with vocal inflection and body language. With email you have time to think about what you want to write, and you can read the messages on your own timetable and in the comfort of your own home (and pj's). But in person, you must sustain real-time conversation. You must think on your feet. And usually, if you're out in public at least, you have to wear shoes.

I admit that more than once I've used email to initiate a conversation with a guy I'm interested in. Usually I find an excuse to send the guy a quick, breezy message—and, really, an email address is an easy thing to access. Luckily these guys have emailed me back, and we've enjoyed a techno chat back and forth until we've eventually transitioned to the coveted in-person meeting.

But before that three-dimensional get-together, there are countless questions about email etiquette that leave us singles perplexed. Should I explain how I got the guy's email address? How soon is too soon to respond? To smiley face or not to smiley face? If you have the same Internet service provider, is it too forward to instant message the person? And the mother of all email conundrums: will email chemistry translate to in-person chemistry?

With the advent of easy access to anyone, anywhere, anytime—and in our fast-food, ATM culture—we've also become accustomed to quickness. The arena of relationships is no exception. Enter speed dating. If you aren't familiar with this newish meet-and-greet trend, let me inform you. Basically, a group of women sits in a big circle around the same number of men and chats with the person in front of them for three to eight minutes (depending on the host organization's setup) and then rotates to the next mini "date." Sounds wacky, until you learn that a Jewish rabbi came up with the idea as a way to help the single members of his flock mix and mingle and date only within the faith. I was skeptical, until I had to try it for an article I was assigned to write. It was a fun adventure, but it didn't yield a ton of results (more on this in chapter 8). At least not for me. One of my friends met a guy there whom she dated for a whole year. Go figure!

It's the same with Internet dating services. I met the last two guys I dated through eHarmony, a truth I was embarrassed to admit at first. When I was dating the first of the two and people asked how we met, I usually lowered my voice and got a sheepish look on my face as I said, "Through the Internet." As embarrassed as I was to admit it, no one else seemed fazed in the least. In fact, when my grandfather suggested I sign up for an Internet dating service, I knew much of the stigma was gone.

But questions about the effectiveness remained. Is this really a viable means for meeting a mate? Are all those commercials and magazine ads with happy-looking couples who met on the Web accurate—or are these folks the lucky few? Can you really find lasting love on the same medium where you can buy out-of-print books, find driving directions, locate long-lost high school classmates, and access porn? Well, yes and no. I have friends who've been with a service for a whole year with no luck. And to be honest, it's left them poorer (some of these services aren't cheap!) and with a shakier self-esteem (as in, "Why isn't this working for me?"). But, as with speed dating, just when you want to write it off as ridiculous, you witness a success story. During the time Todd and I were writing this book, a good friend of mine got engaged to a great guy she met online. (More on Internet dating in chapter 7.) When you hear a story like that, you realize God can use any method to match up his kids.

While God can get pretty creative as he writes people's love stories, he also gave us intelligence and common sense as we consider dating options. So how much skepticism and how much optimism do you bring to speed dating, Internet dating services, and to the next dating trend that's sure to follow? Again, more questions and confusion about the current State of the Date.

Excerpted by permission from The unGuide to Dating by Camerin Courtney and Todd Hertz. © 2005. Fleming H. Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

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