Single in a Married World
Four tips to open and loving communication.
by Cory Whitehead
January 25, 2006

Family time as a single person often can be uncomfortable, and sometimes

borderline excruciating, even in the best families. This Christmas I

journeyed back home to Indiana. I easily could have chosen the

three-strikes-and-they're-out method with my family, but I tried grace

instead. I'm on a quest to understand why our married family members and

friends (and the Church) often have a negative mindset toward singles, and

why they generally lack the sensitivity and acceptance for which we singles

long.

Let me first take you through my 1-2-3 strike count on this recent trip home.

To many people, these comments may seem harmless, and undoubtedly

they were said without any malicious intent. But inside, such words cut to

the heart of we who don't necessarily care to be "singled out."

Strike One
Never a topic that waits until the end of my trip home, my singleness came

up the first night as my family was dining out. Abruptly and unexpectedly,

my mom turned to me and asked, "When are you going to get married,

Cory?"

Response to Strike One
Tired of the terseness and insensitivity of this frequent question, I admit to

handling this one harshly. "Why do you always have to ask that?" I

answered, with a tone that made everyone acutely aware that our nice

dinner was now ending awkwardly.

Strike Two
Leave it to the holidays to make singles feel out of place in a married world.

Again while eating with my extended family, conversation turned to some

acquaintances who were struggling with marital un-bliss. My grandmother,

thinking this was some kind of compliment, said to me, "You're smart for

not getting married, Cory," as if I personally had made the bachelor-for-life

choice years ago.

Response to Strike Two
This time, as I felt a warm blush of red cross my face, I wisely chose to

smile, nod, and pray the conversation quickly turned away from me. Luckily,

no one chose to pick up on the topic of my singleness and we moved on.

Strike Three
The next time my singleness became the center of conversation was as I

was holding my newborn first nephew. My sister's son has brought an

excitement and pride to our family. Snapping pictures, learning baby-talk,

and watching every move of our newest family member are staples of our

new routine. This time, my dad chimed in with a hearty, "Aren't you ready for

one of your own?"

Response to Strike Three
For years, I've longed to have a family and be a father, so this off-handed

comment struck a sensitive chord within me. I could feel the emotion

building up inside, but I passed the comment off as entirely unaffecting and

said, "Yep, I can't wait."

A Path to Open and Loving Communication
You may relate to these types of comments from your family and friends.

You may dread them like I do. I know no harm was meant by each

comment, but it's hard not to be left with negative feelings and questions.

Am I not accepted? Have I not fulfilled my family's expectations? Does

everyone feel sorry for me? Why am I different?

Marrieds and singles can do each other a great service by learning each

other's sensitivities. Open, loving communication is the best way to do so.

Lately, I've made a few observations that you might use to assess your own

life and to share with your married family and friends.

1) Marrieds only want singles to be happy. And often they can't imagine

how a single person could be happy—alone. Surprisingly, I find I'm happy

and content with life the large majority of the time. I keep faith that my day

will come. I enjoy the freedom and independence of the single life. And, I

daily try to trust in God's master plan.
2) Marrieds don't understand that some comments deeply affect us. In no

way do we want them to walk on eggshells around us. Many questions and

comments are welcome if they're uplifting instead of insensitive. In fact, I

have no problem talking openly about my marital status since I'm actually

quite happy and fulfilled. It's those few harsh comments that leave us

feeling different, unaccepted, and embarrassed.
3) Marrieds should encourage singles to not let life slip by. Being married

isn't a prerequisite to fulfilling your dreams and ambitions, those things you

desire such as traveling, saving for your future, buying a home, serving in

your church and community, and building a career. Singles should never

"wait on God to bring the right person" before they experience adventure or

strive to become self-sustaining. Too often I've heard people say, "Well,

when I'm married �? Adventures and risks only add to our faith, and

ultimately make us more desirable to a future husband or wife.
4) Marrieds must accept that some of us are meant to be single longer—or

maybe forever. Most singles I know desperately want to be married. But we

shouldn't force God's plan by developing an intimate relationship with the

wrong person. We've all seen what happens in those cases.
Singleness isn't an excuse to limit our walk with God and our efforts to grow

closer to him. Our sights need to stay focused on him, instead of focusing

too much on when we're going to finally tie the knot—and to whom.

Marrieds definitely could be more sensitive and encouraging about our

singleness. But we singles can do them a favor by openly and lovingly

communicating how we'd like to be treated. And we all can take comfort that

maybe, just maybe, God has allowed us to be in our current status "for such

a time as this."

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