In my early 20's, I couldn't relate to my over-40 friend who was beside herself because she didn't have a husband. I, like so many others, thought she would be better off if she could just be content with singleness.

But 20 years later, I know differently. Singleness hurts. And I learned how to minister to those who bear its pain.

I married for the first time at the age of 40. Getting married later in life was a spiritual battle of epic proportions. As an older single, I warred against doubt, discouragement, rejection, and depression. I navigated the minefield of today's male-female relationships. Bitterness, resentment, and even antipathy toward the opposite sex had foiled my attempts to find true love.

In the midst of this invisible war, several well-meaning Christians offered some unhelpful advice. "You just need to be content," they said.

"Just be content" encouraged me as an optimistic 20-year-old. But it became hurtful when I began fearing my 30s, 40s, or even 50s without any prospects for marriage. It was easy to be content when I had hope. But when that hope was weak, I needed it replenished.

Older singles grieve the loss of their youth, lost years of love, and the children that they have not borne. The pain of extended singleness isn't so much coveting a relationship, but grieving lost dreams. If it is insensitive to tell a recent widow to be content in the midst of her loss, it is equally insensitive to say it to someone who is widowed by circumstance.

A grieving single needs encouragement to persevere through this trial and to continue believing and trusting in God. "Just be content" tells hurting singles not to hope, not to desire, not to dream, not to have faith, but to abandon the cry of their hearts. Surrendering hope is the wrong answer to the question: "Why am I not married?" An extended period of singleness presented my faith in God with its biggest challenge.

Sole searching
The work God does in singles' lives to prepare them for marriage often involves suffering. God may use the pain of singleness to better prepare them to be a loving spouse or to inspire them to seek healing. The heavy hand of God may help a single to repent of sin.

When their loneliness lasts too long, many singles begin to suppress their God-given desire to marry. They bury themselves in their job or church work to stave off loneliness and to prove how productive they can be without a partner. Busy schedules crowd out opportunities to socialize and to find love.

Some singles worry about obsessing over marriage, so they neglect to prepare themselves for the possibility. They wrongly assume that if it is going to happen, it will just happen.

But denial and distraction don't diminish the pain. When singles confess their frustrations, they have most likely neared the end of their faith. Typically, they have been silently struggling with this issue for years, maybe decades. They have stretched what faith they have as far as it can go. Now they need something more. They need help.