Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position tight forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.<o:p></o:p>

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.<o:p></o:p>

Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding fear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.<o:p></o:p>

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse in from garden.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler, rub cat's throat vigorously.<o:p></o:p>

Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep Hummell figurines from hearth and set aside to glue back together.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit, Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.<o:p></o:p>

Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water.<o:p></o:p>

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in cup board and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.  Fetch screwdriver from garage end put door back on hinges.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.<o:p></o:p>

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the toad.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pin from foil-wrap.<o:p></o:p>

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small pair of pliers.  Push pill into mouth followed by piece of steak.  Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down cat's throat to wash pill down.<o:p></o:p>

Get spouse to drive you to emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Stop at furniture shop to order table on way home.<o:p></o:p>

Decide cat didn't need that pill anyway.  How sick can this cat be?  Treat yourself to a large, medicinal gin and tonic!<o:p></o:p>