r u sure you're ready for this one? !

 I was born in Canada, to Brian & Jean Hollywood.  I have 2 siblings. ! sister older than me and 1 brother younger than me.   Being the middle child was a living Hell with them.  I got the @@@@ from both ends. lol

I knew my life was going to be hard right from birth. When the Dr , messed up and dropped me on my head. Causing my skull to break. ( No need to spank me, lol )  However I know God was there as The fall could of killed me or broken my neck or caused any other number of things to go wrong.  But God didnt allow anything more than I could handle, and kept me with all my senses like hearing and seeing. As well as allowing me to walk or talk , all the important things.

However I did grow up living with epilepsy, having grandmal seizures, and a few other types as well. Through out my life.        At one point I was having 25 gms ( grand mal seizures) a day, during my middle and high school years As well as other types, like complex partials, peti mal.  Many times I was sent home from school with my school work. It's a wonder I could function at all.  There were many times my drug levels got dangerously high and made me toxic from them. As well as many others reasons for my seizures to happen.

I had very few friends growing up as most of my peers shunned me or werent allowed to be around me outside of school. As some parents  seemed to believe many of the myths or that my epilepsy was contagious.  But those I had were fiercely protective of me.   I was a very active child however, I did everything I could do in the way of sports or activities. Like rollerskating , jumping off roofs, climbing trees, running track, and playing softball. My dad coached so we got to first place. I loved living the life as a tomboy.  I did it mostly to prove people wrong, which seemed to be my theme growing up in life.   My seizures got in the way of a lot of my schooling but didnt stop it completely.   I did fall off bleachers some or get stuck in a few places,  because of seizures ,in school , but always there were people nearby to help me.

I had a lot of troubles growing up with men, I was raped , beaten, mugged, molested, and shoved around to name a few things. NEVER BY MY DAD OR MOM THANKFULLY.  I never let them know much of it when I was younger as it would of tore them apart and could of killed my dad early as he had a bad heart. They had a enough to worry about because of me.   So I just locked it up inside me. Only God knows it all.          I did my best to be the good girl, daddy's little girl and helper whenever I could.     As I knew he didnt feel well a lot of the time and he knew if I didn't feel good , so we could lean on each others.   At some points in my life I was on 30 pills a day or more(honestly) and out of control of my health..    

I graduated High School ( the only 1 of the 3 kids to do so )  , then went to Canada for 2 months as one of my gifts. 

Then on my 18 birthday I began getting extreme migraines and couldnt  lift my head by the next day.  Then  2 weeks after I turned 18  the dr found a brain tumor, (which was caused by the intial drop, at birth).  It was found just in time as it was causing me not to be able to function at all except to speak or slither across the floor.  They said to my parents if they had waited any longer or did the spinal tap  I was originally sent there to have, my head would of exploded from the pressure, built up insde. ( Literally)  My dad was terrified about it, as he and I were so close . They kept a lot things back from me about it then.  As they were afraid  it would be too much for me to know I just left it all to them and said I needed a good rest anyways.  I had my surgery (10-25-82) .  I knew God's hand was with me all the way .( especially after hearing what they did keep back from after it was all over) I think the funniest things funny for about it all was my dad worse out 3 pairs of shoes in the month during and after my surgery, and lost a lot of weight.         
I was thankful that God was still with me. As the tumor was there because of the bone fragment that got lodged in my brain. So it was my body's way of removing it. God had enclosed it into a sack of liquid,. so it wasnt  going anywhere else. It was however both benign and malignant, it was the size of a golf ball, and perfectly round, with malignant philanges(fingers) coming out of it. So they wouldnt tell me if it would grow back or not. As the drs. were all stumped, too it all, how it was there and what it had in it's center.    "I've always been different and unusual never going by what textbooks describe about epilepsy, or what happens in a seizure. As I was never  tired after them but energized instead, . You would need to write a new book just about me to learn it all. lol. I refused any chemo. - or radiation treatments. As I didnt want any more trouble, or problems with keeping my meds down etc. I said if it's meant to come back then all the radiation in the world wouldnt kill it.    They said if it didnt come back in 12 years it probably wouldn't . So I said then I'll wait a see.   It never has, and it's now been 24 years for me.

I was told I'd never function like you would , what  they considered a normal life,  ( but this was and is all normal for me)  I wouldnt graduate,  get a job, get married as no one would want me , drive a car, have a home of my own and kids, as I wouldn't have the strength or abilities to do this. ( LOL) God didn't agree.    For everything on the list of 12 things I woudn' t / couldn't do . God said just watch.   He knew my deepest hopes and fear, and how much I wanted to succeed.   So for every storm , or trial that came my way, in the aftermatn of them was something good for me.      He brought into my life some true friends.  That have never let me down.  Gave me the model I always said I'd marry. ( even though my family fought me all the way, they hated him)  , I got my little girl first ( very high risk pregnancy, 300 grand mals in the 9 mos) but I didnt give her up, I said that if I shouldnt have her God would take her.     I had 3 miscarriages between my 2 kids. The first 2 were the same pregnancy, but at different times. As they were forming in different places, one got stuck in my tubes as the other dropped down . And the  3 rd baby was the following year. They were all formed enough to know what they would of been (2 boys and a girl)   I had my blonde hair blue eye boy, I always drempt of. Again it was another high risk pregnancy, I had 190 grand mals with him  I was lucky to never landed on my stomach at any time, always on my butt, which is well padded. So it cushioned my fall real well.  Both came out unharmed by my seizures, or my drugs, and are honor, advanced students in school. With awesome personalities.  I learned to drive, for emergencies only, as walking keeps me alive, and healthy, and  the roads safe (lol).  I have a home with my OWN family given to me by God. As well having jobs along the way.                           The worst parts of my relationship with my husband was our families his didnt like me, because of my health problems, they didnt think I  was good enough for him, and mine didnt like him because they didnt think he was stable enough for me. So they threw road blocks up along the way. My first meeting with his dad, I only spoke to him for around 20 minutes and he formed his own opinion of me based on what  Matt's  sisters told him. So I knew I'd never get a long with him.  In fact the only one that did like me in the beginning was His  mom.  She and I got along well as she told him there was something special about me. (which is funny for me as they say you dont often get along with their moms)     She even told one of her daughters she'd be a much better person if she was half the person I am, With my kind orf personality. ( that was funny to me)                       My parents and family had always wanted something better for me , like someone rich enough to take care of me and my needs. However all I wanted was LOVE as I wanted to feel needed and cared for, and knew I wasn't a rich man's ideal for a wife. ( not pretty to look at, just trying to be beautiful inside)  My family told me to give him up , not to stand by him when He was down and out and needed me the most at that moment. But I stood my ground, They said it wouldn't last, I said they were wrong.  I've been with him 20 years now, married to him 18 of those years.    (my sister has been married 3x' s in her life, and my brrther never has. So I say I have it good)          My grandmother was the only one to tell me to hold strong, and fight for him, he has some good in him.   I followed her advice, and clung tightly,   As I know that whenever my family liked one of my boyfriends, it wasn't going to last with them, I'd always get hurt by them, dumped, abandonned, or hit around.  so I learned to go the opposite way of what they said. My sister told me that if he ever hit me or hurt she'd kill him , but when there was a problem and I had to get a way for a while she looked the other way.        I did continue working for my parent for a number of years after we got married even though they didnt like my husband they learned to tolerate him for my sake and for my kids. My parents eventually began changing their tune about him when they saw we loved each other enough to support each others views and spent alot of time together as a family with our kids.             Over the years his faimly did warm up to me but not very quickly.  However now it is the reverse if ever I had to leave him because of harm or other problems, they'd support me, and leave him to his own devices. Total surprise to me. As he is their flesh and blood.

Through out life as an Epileptic, I've had many close calls, brushes with death.  During seizures I've fallen in the middle of busy highwways, roads. Always however traffic has stopped and waited for me to wake up. while people got out to make sure I was well.   I've been mugged, in broad day light. I've been hit by car on the sidewalk while walking with my kids, and only gotten bruised.  I've fallen into ditches from seizures, had a few of them while swimming or at the beach. (one of them while holding my baby girl, on the reef at a beach, God sent an angel then and caught my baby as I fell. both of us were unharmed. I know it was an angel as she disappeared right after that , never seen again)  I've been brushed by a semi up here while in a seizure, I was walking and didnt know it,  the only thing damaged then was my watch my shorts and my shoes, as well as scaring the crap out of the truck driver, the rest of me was unharmed. I fell off a cliff and landed in the river up here . Missing the rocks near by, just cold and wet was all I got. There are times I fell in dangerous areas you wouldn't normally want to walk through , yet came out safely in the end.  I was also held as gun point while working for my dad , I faked a seizure that time and scared him away, without him getting any of my dads money., when my dad came in with 5 cop cars ,as we were doing C.O.P  that night ( Citizens on Patrol )  , he said he knew it really happened as my skin was crawling, and quivering. From the shock of it and forcing my seizures on. My friend that was with never saw the gun only heard the guys speak, as I blocked it from her view and kept my hands firmly on my counter so as not to reach out for it or make any sudden moves that could hurt either one of us.   We never got the guy, however the next night the motel across the street was held up and the night clerk was killed . Then another time  I sat down just in time before the gun my brother  was playing with went off by accident. Or I would of had the bullet go through my head.  I've torn ligaments, in my shoulder, arms and leg. But healed very quickly from each, The only lasting injury I have is a broken shoulder(seperated collar bone) that happened on my wedding anniversary ,(2-29-00) , which I deal with as they told me they could do damage to me if they hit my nerve trying to fix it , it would cause me to lose the use of it completely.        I could give you pages upon pages more of the miracles I've seen  or had happen to me, but it would be way too long to read,   "This are just a few of the most amazing and most memorable for me."   So maybe some day I'll write a book for you all to see .                        It is because He is always there I choose to reach out and help feed my hungry elderly, or disabled, underprivileged  people.  As well as I used to do it with my dad as a child (and with my own children to show them others have needs as well.)  . In fla  it was a really good feeling to make someone else happy.  To show them I care and understand what they go through,  because of my misfortunes and heartaches,  I can comprehend their troubles and pains, as I've seen them too..  As well as  having to live on $20 week in food for the 4 of us in my family.  God had shown me it is possible. I buy dried things one week , then fresh, the next then milk or breads, etc. I dont eat meat. ( rarely do I if  any ) usually just cheese for a sandwich.  And canned food another week.    I make soups or get fruits off the trees to make treats, like apple pies or cobblers or shakes. So that also gives me enough to feed my people    I can't get fat this way. As I eat just enough to stay alive.  I have a self preservation mechanism in me to keep me strong and going. I want to ensure that there is always enough food for my family to have as they are still growing. they  take their lunches to school or work,  I want to be a good wife and mommy the way God wants me to be.

My parents are both dead now.  My dad's death tore me apart tremendously, it took a long time for me to recover from my loss , As we were always so close in life, and best friends.. It tore me apart that Satan kept me away from him during his final moments of life,  My phone didnt work that night, for in coming calls, and they didnt stop by to get me as it was so late.  That wouldnt of mattered to me what time it was. I never said good bye .     My husband was mean towards me about it,  and said some bad things, because I couldn't get past my shock and sorrow right away. As he didn't have the same type of close relationships in his family. They werent very loving towards each other. but I leaned on God strongly. As I had to be strong for my family.             I had to move not long after that to Tenn as my husband wanted to leave FL. as it was just to scarey for him , to think of our kids growing up around the crime and drugs. So against my will I moved away.  I wanted to see my husband fail, and prove him worng, I  knew it wouldnt be very kind and welcoming to someone like me.       The hardest part for me was watching my mother cry, in front of me. As I was the only child they had that cared about helping my parents with things. I stood by them and never did drugs or ranaway. While my siblings did.    Then 6 years after my dad died I lost my mom. However I was there for her during her last days . She suffered so bad, painfully from radical, lung cancer to far gone to save. That I was holding her cradling her in my arms and soothing her during that time. she knew I was there and cared about her, She would call for me if I left even for a monet. So it was almost a relief to know that God took her to rest in peace., there her pain is gone.  I didn't cry over her death the way others did, but grieved privately with in myself and through my poetry. She's knows nothing now  'til she's raised up to be with my dad and us again. It is comforting to me.  But after my parents were gone, my siblings threw me away saying I didn't deserve anything , as My parents cared more about me, (not true, it's just I was always there )   They blame me for stealing my parents love, from them. Because I had seizures and needed more care ( like I asked for this ailment. ! )   My sister despised me growing up, and my brother and I were friends. However now it is reversed. My sister and I talk and share things, but my brother loathes me and has threatened to kill me if he ever sees me again.    The properties were left to them because they manipulated the situation to work for them. They gave me very little  if anything , saying my husband can support and care for me.  Even the little bit of money I should of gotten from selling one of the properties was taken away from me.      My parents didn't plan it this way, but greed took them over.    No matter How bad they treat me or throw me away, I still pray for them and love them as they are family. I just hate what they do to me.    God does protect me and give things to me.  No matter what they say I am loved.

While living up here in Tenn, I've had a few good things happen to me, However people choose to shun me, ridicule my efforts or ability to care. Say I do great work, then call me a liabilty.  So I get fired from whatever job I do get.   I've tied to start up support group for epilepsy , did well for awhile til they chose to take them back from, as they said they wouldnt get the money from united way if I was doing it., taught my Sabbath school class, and that got  ripped out from me, saying it was time to replace me and get new blood in even if I didnt agree,they also pushed me out of my woman's ministry I had tried to do.for them. and just recently a person I thought was a friend tore me  apart accusing me of fabricating  lies for the article she wrote about me and the minitsry of feeding people I was doing personally out of my own time and budget. With a little help from my church for a time being.  She said she wouldnt believe anything I'd try to say in my defense or for God's truth,as she knew I would just be twisiting it to suit me. she had her sources and that was good enough for her.     So I wrote a letter in my defense to the whole church to prevent any damage she may do or if rumors began flying around about me.   It caused some people to be concerned as they said no one believed this way. I explained why I sent it was only to protect me.  I said I wouldnt go to church for the time being as I was trying to get my health back anyways. That would give me time to heal from the damage she has done to me. The one that told her the lies was the one actually helping me. she chose to tell them I kept everything for me and did nothing I said I was doing for the community.  I gave her so much of it to help as well, and cook up for the neighbors we knew so well. But she didnt do any of it , but just hoarded it all away.    She went behind my back to some of my friends there that she thought would listen to her. But they chose to turn away. I was never told she did this, they didnt think it would reach me. They never wanted me to hear what she did.     My Pastor and an elder came out to try to console me  and  let me explain my case, and say they see why I wrote it, and that it's ok. They want me back and to take my postions in church again. They have plans to do my project for Thanksgiving again. As they really enjoy the gathering the food together to give out , knowing they were doing something good for God and the community. And want my leardership for it. That no one believes her lies.  To Please not leave or stay away.  They want  me  there and my talents back with them  as I had so many plans and dreams to bring our church out of darkness into the community..  with my talents and crafts I can do , and use some of theirs as well. To make it a solid lighthouse (beacon)  for all to see.  However I do sometimes worry it could still be ripped away from me like before. Only this time for good.                 But then I have to realize JESUS was rejected and shoved aside, and even killed by his people , that He loved so much. all for our sakes and sins.    So I know I'm not ammuned to troubles and things.  I will remain strong with Him.

I just asked them to please pray for me. As My health isnt strong enough to be there at this time. For extra strength, and patience.  I'm going through inner seizures, of imbalance, heaviness and other things from my medications, and changes in them. I'm in deep depression because of one of the side effects of them, (and what has happened.) Which also causes suicidal thoughts. and my allergies are attacking me. I also find people just cant believe all this happened to me. which is one of the reasons they think I'm lying.   But I know God will see me through these times as well.

This is just a little insight to what it's like to be me,   Bonnie J  Hollywood-Cutts .  A walking, talking,  livng miracle. I use my poetry as window for you all to see just how God lives in me , as well as to channel my emotions to work for me instead of against me. To release stress and sometimes to help you all through your difficulties, and express the joys you share with me, As some of my best poems, arent written for or about me but for others around me.  I want you all to know that what plagues you today is temporary ,soon today is just a memory,  No matter  how bad your life may seem , there is always a  better day waiting for you all to up ahead . Life gives you ups , pains, difficulties,fears, and downs along the day. As each comes your way. never give up instead believe that God is there and listening, He will carry you through it all, even though you may be hurt along the way, He will heal you and strengthen you by the experiences you'll see. The scars left behind will only remind you of what happens and how God's love and mercies can save you and me.                  We all are very valuable in our own special ways. We have gifts and talents for all to see. The strife and joys along the way help refines and fine tune  them to use each day.  Never fear what comes your way, but count it all as joy, and a great lesson . You'll shine For God and walk in Jesus shoes, and put the devil to shame, by never giving in to the adversities that try to hurt you.

You are all a miracle in your own special way. A gift to us all and for the world to see. God never makes mistakes, or junk, only we do.   So live each day knowing that it yours and God's , when the road is tough , let Him carry you ,and you will  always find peace and comfort to help you through.