Shay: .....no?
*John starts unzipping his fly as Shay flees the confessional*
Gary: The award for best competitor also goes to....Scott!
Scott: Thank you America, it's an honor
*More rolling eyes, except Kaci continues to holler*
Gary: The award for most handsome male goes to......wow, this really is an honor....I won the award.
*Everybody gives the people's eyebrow to Gary*
Gary: I'd just like to thank my parents. I may be 4 foot 3, but I am still a handsome devil. I'd also like to thank Pro-activ for making my skin stay clear. Also....
*Scott grabs the envelope*
Scott: Actually, it says I won
Gary: Wutchu talkin bout Scott?
Scott: Shut up and move on
Gary: The award for prettiest goes to....
*Scott whispers in Gary's ear* If you dont say Kaci, I will kill you in your sleep
Gary: KACI!!!
*Scott celebrates with balloons and bakes a cake for Kaci.*
Gary: The award for least favorite character goes to.....NATALIE!
Natalie: WHAT?! Is it because I'm "boring?" Is it because I'm not a raging alcoholic? Is it because I care about people? Is it because I dont embarras myself on national television? FUCK YOU VIEWERS. I'll have you know I am one interesting person. You know what?
*Quickly, two security guards come and muzzle Natalie*
Gary: Thank god. Anyways, the award for best couple goes to....John and Shay! Congrats guys
Shay: John and I are not a couple! I have a husband!
*John is seen whistling*
Shay: What the hell? I cant accept this award
John: Then I will!!!
Scott: GARY, HOW THE HELL DID WE NOT WIN?
Stevie: Neither of you guys should have won, it should be me and Kelli!
Kaci: Don't make me laugh, jackass, if anything you should win the "waste of space" award
Kelli: Kaci, do you like the way your hair looks right now? Because come tomorrow you will be unpleasently suprised
*Kelli gives a fake smile and then checks her pocket to make sure her scissors are there*
Gary: Oh well. Anyways the next award goes to biggest slut....and the winner is....
*Steph and Brittany cross their fingers. Well, one set of fingers. With the other hand they are each trying to give a handjob to some random guy.*
Gary: .....Steph!
Brittany: WHAT THE FUCK?!??!?
*Once again, Matt comes out of nowhere with a chainsaw and begins to go after Brittany*
Brittany: Oooh, kinda kinky Matt, dont you think?
*Matt tries to go after Brittany but she gets more and more turned on and pounces on him and tries to vigorously rape him.*
Gary: Didn't we kill you guys off at the beginning of the episode? Why do ya'll have to keep coming back?
Steph: Thank you for the award Gary. I'd like to thank my vagina most of all for putting up with so much, and I'd also like to thank Jesus, because he is a big part of my life and I need prayer, I'd like to thank one of the cameramen, with whom I just had the BEST SEX OF MY LIFE, and most importantly Gary, I'd like to thank anyone who has a penis out there!!! I really appreciate it.
Gary: Oh. Anyways. The award for biggest stuck up bitch goes to...The cardboard cut out of Tara!!!
*The cardboard cut out of Tara begins to tear at the eye after winning such a magnificent award*
Zoe: TARA IS NOT A BITCH. AHHHHHHHHHH
*Many of the castmates had forgotten Zoe was even on the show. Zoe spent most of her days locked in her room playing Yahtzee with the cardboard cutout of Tara*
Gary: The award for biggest dumbass goes to....it was a close one between Nick, Tim and Mikey....it came down to the wire. But NICK won in the end!!!
Nick: What?! The viewers think I'm a dumbass? Are you sure I didn't win the awesome award?
Gary: I'm quite sure. You should have won that "Most deserving of another beating by Gary P. Coleman" award, but that wasn't an award
Nick: Yeah, it shouldn't be!
Gary: WELL NOW IT IS
*Gary kicks Nick in the vagina, and then delivers a large DDT. He then climbs up on the couch and does a moonsault. He goes for the pin and Earl Hebner bursts into the room and covers for the 1.........2..........3.*
*Lillian Garcia sprints into the room*
Lillian Garcia: Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner, GARY COOOOLEMAN!!!
*Nobody cheers, but Gary Celebrates*
Gary: Whatever. Oh yeah, you guys have a mission right now, so board the bus and let's GO
Jason: Cool kids sit in the back of the bus!!!!
*Everybody acts like an immature 4 year old trying to get the "cool" seats on the back of the bus
*This is how the seating on the bus goes*
| Bus Driver (Paris Hilton) | Gary Coleman (in a car seat) |
| | |
| | |
| | |
| Nick | |
| | |
| | |
| | Natalie |
| | |
| | Tim |
| Brandon | Mikey |
| Krystal | Matt |
| Shay | Brittany |
| John | Steph |
| Zoe and Tara cardboard cutout | Dave |
| Ryan | Jason |
| Scott and Kaci | Kelli and Stevie |
*Nobody talked to Nick the entire ride, and they refused to allow him to sit near any of them. Jason tried to sit next to Zoe, but she told him the seat was taken by Tara and to back off. Brandon and Mikey bitched the entire ride about sitting next to each other. Scott/Kaci and Stevie/Kelli constructed a wall around their seats so they could be alone. John sat right behind Shay and poked her the entire ride and kept telling her he liked spending time with her. Brittany kept reaching over her seat and tried to touch Matt's dick. Krystal began to cast spells on various members of the cast. Natalie sat away from the others and brainstormed ways to be interesting. Tim kept waving to Scott and Kaci but they ignored him. The entire time the bus was swerving lanes and almost nobody made it out alive. Finally they arrived*
Gary: We're here!!! Everybody come inside.
*Everybody enters the place and it is revealed to be the American Idol studio. Randy Jackson waves to everyone. Paula Abdul is very drunk and has no idea what is going on so she kinda sits there. Simon Cowell sticks his tounge out at everyone and then turns away. Ryan Seacrest jumps up and down like a 9 year old softball player after her team just scored a run and beckons for everybody to come down*
Ryan Seacrest: HELLO EVERYBODY! IT'S SUPER AWESOME THAT YOU CAME. I'm gonna host today's mission because Gary has diarrhea so he's in one of the stalls right now. As you might have guessed you're all going to preform a part of a song for the judges today and they're going to tell you how you did. You can choose your own song and everything. At the end the judges will tell you which team they thought did better and they will win the mission and a PRIZE! Yay prizes! Woohoo!!! I love my life!!
*Lee Harvey Oswald enters the scene and shoots Ryan Seacrest and then vanishes*
Randy: Ok lets get started. Up first we have Steph
Steph: I will be preforming Madonna's "Like a Virgin"
*Everybody stares blankly at Steph for 23 minutes then she begins*
Steph: Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mine
Gonna give you all my love, boy
My fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
'Cause only love can last
Randy: That was....good...it needed a little something more
*Steph smiles politely and then jumps on Randy and begins to give him a blowjob. She then gets up and wipes her mouth*
Randy: There you go, thats what I'm looking for. It was good, dawg.
Paula: I think....youre...very....whats the...word, I'm looking...for?
Simon: Stephanie, you don't fool me with your virgin crap. I thought you and the song were totally barberic. You'll never make it in the music industry. Perhaps the porn industry, but nothing more
Steph: You think I could make it in that?
Simon: I dont know or care, get off my stage!!
Randy: Next up is John
John: I just wanna say, I dedicate this to you Shay
*John blows a kiss to Shay and then begins*
John: If I was invisible
Then I could just
Watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I could just tell
You where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
Wait, I already am
*Shay twitches a little in disgust and then turns away*
Randy: Dude...if you were invisible you'd watch her in her room? I'm sure if she were invisible she'd kick you in the crotch. But I may just do that anyways. Get the hell off the stage. Next up is Brittany
*Brittany shows up in a unitard and begins to sing "Boys" by Britney Spears*
Brittany: Boys! Sometimes a girl just needs one
Oh you know I need you
Boys! To love her and to hold
I just want you to touch me
Boys! And when a girl is with one
Mmm mm
Boys! Then she's in control
Yeah
Randy: Dude, you cant even suck your way out of this one. Your voice is terrible. Go kill yourself. Next up we have Krystal!
Krystal: I am going with my heart on this one! I will be preforming "i love you' by Barney!
*Krystal shows up wearing a witch cape and a witch hat*
Krystal: I love you,
You love me,
We're a happy family,
with a great big hug,
and a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love me TOO!
*The judges stare at her strangely*
Krystal: SAY YOU LOVE ME. SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME RIGHT NOW!!!
*Nobody says anything*
Krystal: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEE
*Krystal waves her wand and the judges table immediately goes up in flames. She then summons cockroaches to appear and infest the stadium. She laughs sadistically as everybody else whimpers and cries. Finally the fire goes out and the cockroaches go away and the Krystal smiles and skips to the back*
Randy: ...Dawg, that was strange. Anyways Tim you're up
Tim: I sing "It my life" by Bon Jovi
Randy: You mean "It's my life??"
*Tim ignores Randy and starts singing*
Tim: It my life
It now or never
But I not live forever
I want live while I alive
My heart like open highway
Frankie said "did it my way"
I want live while I alive
It my life
Simon: That was totally pathetic! You didnt even know the god forsaken words. Get off the stage and send on the next victim, which is Shay
Shay: I dedicate this song to my HUSBAND, back at home...who i love dearly. "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston
*Shay clears her throat and begins to sing*
Shay: And I will always love you
I will always love you
You, my darling you...
*John rushes to the stage and tries to hug Shay but she sprints away before he can. He follows her closely behind*
Randy: Well dawg, no use judgin' if she ain't here
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