scorpio

 

Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.

lol

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.