These are from a book called Disorder in the American

Courts, and are things  people actually said in court,

word for word, taken down and now published by court

reporters who had the torment of staying calm while

these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:      No, I just lie there.

________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth?

WITNESS:      July 18th.

ATTORNEY:  What year?

WITNESS:      Every year.

_____________________________________

aTTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?

WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect

your memory at all?

WITNESS:       Yes.

ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your

memory?

WITNESS:       I forget.

ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of

something you forgot?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY:   How old is your son, the one living with

you?

WITNESS:      Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't

remember which.

ATTORNEY:   How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS:       Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

AtTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said

to you that morning?

WiTNESS:      He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:     My name is Susan.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a

person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it

until the next morning?

WITNESS:      Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how

old is he?

WITNESS:      Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was

taken?

WITNESS:      Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby)

was August 8th?

WITNESS:      Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:      Duh.............

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?

WITNESS:       Yes.

ATTORNEY:   How many were boys?

WITNESS:      None.

ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:       By death.

ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a

beard.

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning

pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your

attorney?

WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to

work.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have

you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:     All my autopsies are performed on dead

people.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What

school  did you go to?

WITNESS:      Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined

the  body?

WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table

wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:      Huh?

___________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:       No.

ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:       No.

ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:       No.

ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient

was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk

in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  But could the patient have still been

alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:  Yes, it is possible that he could have been

alive and practising law.