Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes...

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to go around "nudging" people.