Heather Joann Bender

 

She waited so long for that baby, with arms aching to hold one.

Finally at 27, she got her wish-

beautiful baby boy with his Mother's face.

A husband, a pretty house-all that she wanted and I was happy for her.

But I never called.

She lived two hours away now and I had nothing new to say.

Heather darling, if I had known how sick you were-if you had called...

But you didn't, and I didn't-and you laid down

holding your six month old son on your chest...and you never woke back up again.

I cleaned your Mother's house, worked until I dropped doing everything I could think of that I should have done for you-

now for her,

and I went to see you yesterday before the people came.

I promised you I would tell your son all the wonderful things about you that he'll never know.

I promised you that although I failed you, I could redeem myself by being the friend to your Mother that I should have been to you.

I cried buckets of tears as I did your picture collage, remembering the moments-looking at your beautiful young face.

I tried to call your cell phone so I could hear your voice one more time. 

There was none.

I watched my Mother rock your baby to sleep, before that he just kept looking around for you-

wondering where his Mommy was.

It hit me hard-you are truly gone from this life.

Later today, I will watch you decend into your cool grave-and I will know how you felt when you ached for a baby in your arms.

You were our baby, all of us-and we would give anything to have you in our arms right now. 

Give anything to have you anywhere else, anywhere else on Earth but in that ground.

There can never be enough time that passes to lessen this pain, I'll never be too old to stop thinking of you or to not still cry when I think of you. 

I hope that when it's my time to go that you'll be there, that it'll be like no time has passed-that we'll still fit together the same way we used to when we hugged.

I can only hope.

And there are no words adequate enough for your family.

Only my shoulder, and my love to wrap around them, and to help pick up the pieces of their lives-to hold your Mother and Father together until they can remember to breathe again-to hold your son with arms that should be yours and pray for better days for all.  And to pray that you are happy wherever you are and you know we will take care of him for you the best way we know how until we can all be together again.

I love you Heather, and I am so sorry.

I hurt so deep I can feel it in my bones.

I will never forget, I promise you.