I had envisioned; or at least hoped that I would die with more dignity then my father had when he had

died in 1983. But here I was, on the 6th floor, East Wing, Room #6 of the Seattle Veterans Hospital

dying of Cancer�?all alone! Both my mother and father smoked heavily and had died of Lung Cancer;

and though I had never smoked, I wondered about my Cancer risk, genetically. But throughout my life,

it had been just a fleeting thought.

 

I knew that it was the wild card in life! Family members can catch the gene, while all are spared in the

next family! It’s just how the cards of life fall! Like any other man growing up, throughout one’s life, there
are phases where we don’t take care in what we eat or do. Then there are moments when exercising

and eating the right things seems important at the time. Either for our immediate family or perhaps; for

ourselves.

 

I was 54 years old bed-ridden, with an I-V in my wrist watching morphine drip from the bag the nurse

had just replaced. I was on what the doctor’s call…”Comfort Zone�? It’s a term that simply means they

can’t save my life, nor prolong the outcome of Cancer, but wish to minimize my suffering until my last

breath has been taken. Years past, I completed an “Advanced Directive�?in case I was unable to express

my final wishes as to how I would like a hospital to care for me if I was terminally ill.

 

There were two options given to all veterans in such a unfortunate situation. First, to ask doctor’s to do

all they could to prolong my life, second, to cease all medical attempts to prolong my life. In such a case;

in my case, having see the Cancer tumors spread from one part of my body to another, “prolonging my

life�?amounted in my mind to torture. So in cases like mine, medical staff try to minimize the “suffering�?

as best they can…in my case with morphine.

 

They had increased the dosages several times since I entered the hospital nearly two months ago, and at

the moment, I wasn’t pain free but it was tolerable. I found myself going back to moments in my life

re-living life experiences and better times which made me smile. I felt I had lived a good life. I had been

blessed with a beautiful daughter, Gretta Marie, who was now 24.

 

For the first 18 months of her life it was like I was walking on clouds! I had never been a dad before and

I drowned myself in happiness. The bond between father and daughter could never have been closer. I

thought, at least back then, that my marriage to Patricia “Trish�?was strong as well. She was a housewife

and I did security work at night. I guess that was the worst part of our marriage and she kept silent about

her unhappiness instead of giving me the chance to find a different type of job.

 

In any event, looking back, I can only guess that “Trish�?chose to join the “Military�?as a way out of our

marriage and as a way to provide for herself and our daughter. So when she showed an interest in “Joining

the Army�? naturally I was supportive! I knew about opportunities for travel, education, promotion, medical

coverage and job training. I had always been proud of her and knew she was strong enough to succeed.

Because I worked at night, and her parents in Arkansas had never seen their grandchild, I agreed that

allowing her parents to have Gretta until she completed her one year military school was the right choice.

 

I was to pick up Gretta and relocate to whatever base she was to be assigned. It seemed logical and fair,

since my parents were close enough to us, that they had been able to see Gretta nearly every weekend. But
“Reuniting�?was not part of “Trish’s�?plan and I was headed for a one way trip to hell at 90 miles an hour.

Every Sunday “Trish�?would call me and we would talk, laugh and cry. But on that particular Sunday the
call would be very very different. I could sense it right away in the tone of her voice.

 

She wasn’t angry, just sort of “This is how it is�? She said…”I’ve met this guy Earl, and we’re not going to

be getting back together again�? I wish I could recall anything else she said; or for that matter, what I said,

but I can’t! My life just crumbled around me! It was as if an eighteen-wheeler had hit me in a sidewalk

going 80 but I was still alive, wishing I was dead! In truth, I don’t know how I survived those first few

years! “Trish�?was on a base 3,200 miles away and spouses were not allowed! She had instructed her

parents not to let me talk to Gretta, because my voice would only “Upset my daughter�?

 

By all rights, I should have gone insane and in a way I felt I had died! I had no wife, and I had no child! I

was addicted to my daughter, she was my life! I endured what no father should ever endure. Later, I
found out that she had “Married Earl�?before our divorce was even final! When I pressed the issue with

the army legal judge Advocate Office, I was told bluntly that if I pressed the issue, he would simply have

them go down to the base chapel and be re-married. When she finished her military schooling “Trish�?and

her new hubby were transferred to Germany!

 

I had no choice but to endure the pain of not knowing where my daughter was, if she was ok, how her

step-father was treating her. I was very angry and realized that I would never see her smile in the morning,
hold her if she was sad, share in her accomplishments, sing happy birthday to her or celebrate another

Christmas with her. I ask myself to this very day, confined to this hospital bed; “Why didn’t I give up and

turn to drugs, alcohol or even suicide�?like millions of other’s do when they are faced with a burden to

heavy to bear? I can’t answer that question.

 

So my life went on for me but oh so differently! I felt as if I had died, or never had a daughter, but I had

and I remembered those 18 months of memories oh so clearly back then! I would send letters to “Trish�?

and I am sure they were filled with anger and sadness from “Trish’s point of view! She demanded I stop

writing! She returned my letters, or moved and left no forwarding address, or sent me “Blurred photos"

of Gretta! She told me she didn’t want to have to have Gretta deal with “Old Dad & New Dad�?

conflicts. So like I said, I felt that I had died!

 

Then, about 14 years later, “Trish and her family�?returned to the states and I learned that she had settled

less then 40 miles away from me! She sent me a letter inviting me to their home for “Thanksgiving Dinner�?

with Gretta! On the surface, to anyone else, this gesture may have seemed sincere and genuine, but it wasn’t!
“Trish�?knew that I had always loved her and never wanted to be divorced! She knew I loved my daughter

more then life itself! She “set up the dinner in “Their home�?because she knew after fourteen years of not

confronting her about taking every memory of Gretta away from me, that I would cause a big scene!

 

What she hadn’t considered though, was how big a scene! I would like to think that my daughter wanted

to see me, to know me. But her mother didn’t want to go through hearing…”But my dad said this, and my

step dad says this�? I just never bought into the idea her Thanksgiving dinner offer was sincere or genuine.

“Trish�?had everything to gain by me ruining their holiday dinner by my causing a fight or something. Little

did they know causing a fight was the farthest thing from my mind. My brother was supposed to be at their
house too, most likely as a referee!

 

I did NOT want to meet her Husband; the man who took my wife and family away from me! I did NOT

want to hear her call him Darling or her call him Sweetheart! I did not want to see them hug or share a
KISS! I was so insanely angry at being deprived of being even a memory in my daughter’s mind, that I

flipped a coin! “Heads�?and I would ask my brother to take gretta outside and I was going to KILL
everyone else! “Tails�? and I would not go! The coin landed on “Tails�? But I was allowed to see my

daughter several times, and in her eyes I was a complete stranger!

 

She wanted me to “Move-On�?and forget the past! Forget the most important thing in my life! To accept

what her mother had done! In Gretta’s own words; “To get Over It�? But through my eyes, “To Get Over

It�?meant that being a father really didn’t mean that much to me, even after those 16 years! To “Get Over

It�?meant I really didn’t love my daughter that much in the first place! So I guess, for those few visits

arranged at Burger King without the presence of “Trish�? I probably didn’t make a good impression on

my daughter.

 

I tried to go to Gretta’s school to see her school records, to talk with her teacher’s and learn something

about my daughter and her accomplishments, interests, strengths and weaknesses, but the security

“Escorted me Off The Property, per “Trish’s written Request!So it wasn’t a surprise to me that when I

began to write ghost stories, that I added child ghosts to those stories. And not just ghost children, but

children with emotion and love!

 

So many years have passed since those “Thanksgiving Dinner�?issues and now, here I lay, dying slowly.

But I have no regrets! I feel that I have lived a good live, a full life! Sure each of us can say at times,

“I wish I could have done something differently, or taken a different path, but the “What-if’s�?are nothing

more then a question! If I would not have hitch-hiked on that April morning in 1974, if I hadn’t gotten

into that particular car, “If that drunk driver had not gone up the exit ramp going 80, I would not have
been hit head-on and become disabled!

 

A person’s life is filled with “What If’s�? but the truth is…it doesn’t matter! Each of us has been dealt a

hand of cards! What we do with those cards is all that is important! My mother knew my father was

dying of Cancer in 1982. My brother and sister and I didn’t know the people who were caring for my

father were pleading with my mother to tell us. To give us a chance to decide as adults, if we wanted to

see dad or not! But my mother let him die in pain; all alone, because she hated him!

 

I don’t have the choice of asking to see gretta, or to know if she wanted to see me in my final moments

of my life! I have no idea where she lives or her address. It’s just as well that she doesn’t see me in the

shape I am in. I can only hope, in some small way she has a small spot in her heart with love in it for me.

I was there when she was born at home! I carried her everywhere in the baby pack on my chest!

During the J.C. Penny’s baby crawling contest, I sat on the other end and gretta raced to me giggling
and won the prize! How I wish things would have turned out differently.

 

At that moment, beside my hospital bed, appeared “Trish�? There was sadness in her eyes as she looked

down at me! I looked up at her, and even now, after all these years I recognized her beautiful eyes!

“What are you here for? You’ve come to see me die, how nice of you�? She placed her hand on my left

hand which had the I-V tube in it and I pulled it away! You just couldn’t be satisfied with all you’ve

done to me can you? You just had to walk in, after all these years. You are the cruelest person I have

ever known and I want you to leave�?

 

As her tears rolled down her cheeks and onto my bed sheet, she wiped her eyes before she spoke!

“I didn’t come here to be cruel Raymond! I came here to apologize to you for all the pain and
resentment I placed in your heart all these years. I came to apologize to you for not letting you be a part

of Gretta’s life! She has paid a high price for my selfishness and so have I�? As I coughed trying to

clear my throat I replied…”You know nothing about paying a high price! When you walked out of my

life, it was as if I had died! You should have left me before you had Gretta. I could have survived that

pain!

 

But you gave me 18 months of memories that I hold dear to this very moment…memories you can’t

take from me! I have buried my anger deep inside of me for years and years and now! Now you come

into my room to give me an apology? I don’t want your apology! I don’t want anything from you except

to leave before I call the nurse and have you removed�? There wasn’t any anger or spite in “Trish’s

eyes at that moment! There was only sadness! Without saying another word, before my very eyes, “Trish�?
vanished in a white wisp of smoke!

 

It was only then that I realized that I had never been speaking to my ex-wife, but her spirit! She had died

before me, and somehow knew I was dying and in some small way, wanted me to forgive her. But she

asked for something I was unable to give her, in life or in death! At that moment the nurse came into
my room and saw the tears in my eyes. She asked me if I was in more pain and I shook my head no! She

asked me if there was anything she could do for me and I asked her if I could see the hospital Chaplin. 

 

She touched my hand, nodded and said; sure Raymond. I don’t really know why I made that request,

but as the nurse left my room I could feel myself getting colder. I knew my time was growing short. It

seemed like hours but it was only maybe 20 minutes before the Chaplin knocked softly on my door

before entering! We had met and talked several times before and his smile was a kind as the first time

I had met him. I told him death was close and that I wanted to say something to him before I passed away!

I told him everything about my daughter. I told him how much I loved her and missed her. I told him all

my ex-wife had done.

 

I told him that even at this moment, as my eyes grow dim, I cannot forgive “Trish�? nor forget all that has

happened. He placed his hand upon mine and told me that “God understands, Raymond! Forgiveness is

not an easy thing to do. Sometimes forgiveness is closure to a door that has caused us endless suffering�?

I told him I understood and that I wasn’t arguing positions. I simply told him, “I can’t forgive her�? At that
moment, I began to feel colder and colder and I asked the Chaplin to read a prayer to me and as he did, I

closed my eyes and was finally at peace!

 

© 2007 Raymond Cook (All rights reserved)

 

To You The Reader: This story is true except for the part of me having cancer in the hospital. I will never

hear my ex-wife say she is sorry for depriving me of being in my daughter's life and her in mine! It is the

deepest part of hurt buried in my heart that I have never shared with anyone before! For those who have

read my many ghost stories with children in them before, now you know where I draw my inspiration from!

 

Raymond.