As a tear rolls down my cheek, I realize that I am at a crossroads within my heart! As I look upon the

memories and the shattered dreams that lay on my hearts floor another tear drop falls! I though at one

time that I had it all! I thought I had found the one person who I could bear my soul too with the peace

of knowing they would love me for all my tomorrows to come! That they held the qualities that would

truly become the missing piece of my heart, making me feel through better or worse that together...we

could see anything through!

 

My world was turned upside down back then and in a way...if only in blindness did I feel I had found the

"Love of my life"! But slowly, something chipped away at my heart and at my self-confidence in who we

were, who they were and who I was! I began to realize that they didn't love me! I could tell in their voice,

the hesitation in their kiss, the lack of warmth in their touch. Distance became greater and greater until if

anything...we were just friends! And not good friends at all!

 

Lost was the sense they appreciated me, that they valued my feelings...that they even showed an interest

in me! I pretended that it was just a phase they were going through, as other couples often do, but I was

wrong! Soon...I became resentful and bitter that all I could give of myself so freely to them, meant little!

I was angry with myself for being so eager to please, so eager to spoil, so eager to make them feel they

were the most important thing in my life! I wished on my tear stained pillow that it was just a bad dream,

but each time I awakened I knew it was no dream!

 

Love is never perfect...I wasn't naive. On the road of life there are detours, dead-ends, u-turns, and road

closed signs where two people are supposed to rely upon each other to still reach where we were going!

As days, turned into weeks and months to months and months to years I came to a crossroads where I

had to make a decision! Is this the type of relationship that I wanted? Is this how I wanted my final years

to end? Did I want my last breath to shout... "I hate you"; or "I love you"?

 

Love is not love when only one person gives give! So I made the same hard decision millions and millions

of couples make, either by themselves or together and I ended what was hell for me! The darkness of

aloneness wrapped around me like a warm blanket and I vowed in anger; "I will never trust another"! I

will never allow another to hurt me, to crush my dreams"! It was a time of self-realization of who I was

as a person. A time to focus on who I was, what MY needs were and I was determined to re-build my

life for myself, not for someone else!

 

But in time, that power of anger weakened and I knew that other's were out there with the same fears

and insecurities that I felt! I knew that they too had scars imprinted upon their heart! But like me, they

too had survived and through life's lessons learned found a way to look ahead more often then looking

back! I put my turtle shell on, to protect me, and with shield and sword in hand, I let my smile be seen.

I let my voice be heard. Always on guard though for the first sign of a "User or player"! I was determined

to let sunlight chase away the darkness around me. How else would someone nice see my eyes or even

ask me my name?

 

But with every two steps forward taken, I took one step back! I knew what my destination was and I

knew what awaited them in my heart! But with each new opportunity, I retreated! I was afraid of what

might happen if I was wrong? Self-esteem was precious to me and without it, I would feel just a shadow

in the darkness of night. I know full well that to love again means taking risks! It means making oneself

vulnerable! It means lowering our defenses and letting someone walk within our heart, hand in hand, to

see all that we are and could be!

 

There are those much more optimistic then I am! There are those much more brave! There are those who

see the top of the mountain and know that once there, the view will be spectaular! But for those of us who

aren't that strong...it is an uphill battle to believe in the things we desire most and miss the most! We have

to take it one baby step at a time or we can never find the trust that we need the most. Whether it be a

person who is shy, or perhaps lives in a small town, or has been hurt time and time again, or are large,

not petite, or has children or a disability, it's easy to feel that we cannot compete equally with other's

who seek what we seek!

 

I more then anyone else know how fast I can run when feeling I am noticed...even though I wish I was

noticed! It's a double edge sword to let the real you shine for others to see and then to run in panic that

they are out to hurt you! So what is a heart to do when one stands at the fork in the road, leading perhaps

to happiness or heartbreak?

 

Do we stand fast and stay on the same road, even if we don't know where it ends up? Or do we gather

up all of strength and take a different road?

 

Those who are strong have little fear! They are confident that they can spot the "Trickster" and walk

away before damage is done! But for other's we have just enough strength and confidence for one

good chance with someone! That makes us even more catious and nervous! People can be a pessimist

about love or an optimist! In a way, I am a pessimistic optimist...meaning that I know love exists, but

also that it is so hard to find! The hardest part though is holding onto love once one finds it!

 

In time, I will see a sign telling me which road to take. In the mean time, I will not let other's get to know

the real me. I will not lower my shield. I will not step out of the darkness. And it is unfair for other's to

judge me through their life experiences because they too could have taken a different road and their heart

could look at love much differently. For those who KNOW their destination and are brimming with

confidence that someone else would never be disappointed taking a chance on them I am proud of them.

But they must also realize that each of us are individuals and we look at all aspects of life, including love

thru our eyes only!

 

When someone is ready to let someone become more then a smile, they will let it be known. After that,

who knows what the future has in store for either of them?