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| | From:  »Lin» (Original Message) | Sent: 2/2/2008 11:42 PM |
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a
little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friendse aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, ' Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'
The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
Hell yes women are evil...![]() |
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| | | From: »Lin» | Sent: 3/16/2008 5:51 PM |
THE SOUTH---YOU GOTTA LOVE IT
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:PlaceType w:st="on">University</st1:PlaceType> of <st1:PlaceName w:st="on">Tennessee</st1:PlaceName></st1:place> and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
<st1:State w:st="on">Alabama</st1:State>
A group of <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Alabama</st1:place></st1:State> friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
<st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Texas</st1:place></st1:State> The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head". "Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
<st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Louisiana</st1:place></st1:State>
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Louisiana</st1:place></st1:State>.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in <st1:State w:st="on">Louisiana</st1:State> because everything happens in <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Louisiana</st1:place></st1:State> 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
<st1:State w:st="on">Mississippi</st1:State>
The young man from <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Mississippi</st1:place></st1:State> came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
<st1:country-region w:st="on">Georgia</st1:country-region>
A <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:PlaceName w:st="on">Georgia</st1:PlaceName> <st1:PlaceName w:st="on">State</st1:PlaceName></st1:place> trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any <st1:place w:st="on"><st2:middlename w:st="on">I.</st2:middlename> <st2:middlename w:st="on">D.</st2:middlename></st1:place>?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
<st1:State w:st="on">North Carolina</st1:State>
A man in <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">North Carolina</st1:place></st1:State> had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
And this from <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">South Carolina</st1:place></st1:State>
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North
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| | | From: »Lin» | Sent: 3/16/2008 6:02 PM |
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Texas The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head". "Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia
A Georgia State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D. ?
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
And this fromSouth Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North
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| | | From: »Lin» | Sent: 3/25/2008 11:28 PM |
Little Roller Skates ------------------------- A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!" |
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