MommiesofMunchkins

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From: <NOBR>

DeniseH�?/FONT></NOBR> (Original Message)

Sent: 1/25/2008 8:45 AM

I'm not sure if I need to post this on diva...so if it gets deleted, I'll understand. But I have something on my mind that I need help with and I thought I might get more help over here.

A little background.

Dh and I have always made a good team, sexually. When Jamie was diagnosed with all of these problems (2 and a half years ago) I was so deep in the process of researching, learning, getting therapy up and running and then having therapists/tss in our house for 29 hrs a week that I was exhausted and completely uninterested in sex. We still had it but the frequency decreased. Now we've got more on our plate with Andrew's issues, Robbie's issues and all of the healing I'm trying to do with them and my lack of energy (thyroid problem) my mind is just not ON sex. So the frequency went from once a week...to once every other...to what is apparently once a month.

ok, here's the problem. Dh is a loving, kind man. He loves sex and he loves intimacy (emotional and physical) He waits patiently without any pressure. He doesn't indulge in porn and will wait for me unconditionally. BUT I know he needs physical affection as much as he needs sex.

So fast forward to this morning. I ended up awake an hour early, the room was nice and dark and snuggly and he was stirring so I thought, eh, I could handle a nice snuggly "session". It's 6:00 am, mid-winter...so I thought one of those little effort jobbies would be nice. Lay on your back, him on his side....ok, so you get what I"m talking about. Low mainenance, low effort, just love and all in a nice slow waking up way.

BUT when dh has the opportunity for sex he ALWAYS takes it to the extreme. It's got to be some super detailed, hit every part, make it last kind of ordeal. It's not an exhaggeration to say on a normal night I'm in for a good hour and a half, two hours. I'M NOT OK WITH THAT. I'm farking exhausted. I don't NEED sex like he does but understand it's part of marriage....I like to connect with him and he likes connecting AND the sex part.

The problem is that I was willing to give today more than what I had inside to give.....and ended up, honestly, half undressed, out of the covers, freezing my a$$ off while he had some big old party. and I got frustrated...and he never knew. Like whatever I've talked myself into providing is never enough. and yes, I have to talk myself into it. It takes effort I don't have, time I don't have, then I get all sticky and messy which I loathe...so I get myself ok with such and such a level of sex and it's got to be pushed beyond that.

I don't have the energy to deal with my day as it is and to be an hour deficit of sleep and have had to begin my day with the brutal way of being freezing cold and having someone take yet again, more than I have to offer, just really hit me hard.

I don't know how to approach this with him. I really don't. I've joked about the two hour sessions..and how I watch the clock...hee hee isn't it funny. I've even gotten to where I'll say "ok, but no extras, just to the point tonight".....but this is killing my already dying sexual desire. I feel like a science experiment half the time because he just wants to explore and enjoy and see my response and and and.

I'm really upset. It's not supposed to be this way. I don't want sex at all anymore. and this process just keeps getting worse. The longer I go between sessions, the longer the sessions become. I don't have this to give and am now in such a pi$$y mood because I started my day feeling like I was giving and giving and meeting the 'demands' of another person before I even got four kids up and running for the day.

I don't know what to do here girls. We are on a downward spiral. Any advice???

So, other than "joking" about watching the clock, you've never mentioned your feelings to him? With your schedule, I can certainly understand why you would resent the time and energy he's taking from you, but if he has no idea, then you really can't be mad at him. For all he knows, you're into it just as much as him during that time.

You definately need to have a talk with him about what you are feeling. Some night when the kids are in bed and you are both watching tv or something, try asking him to talk. In a calm, non-accusatory way, explain how you want to be a good wife and you want to please him, but that you are also running on empty. Try telling him how sometimes you feel worse after a marathon sex session. Using phrases like "I feel, and I need won't sound as much like you are accusing him. At the same time, you have to be willing to listen to how he feels too, and what it is he needs. Maybe if you can talk about it, you can come up with something that will help you both out.

I don't know much about your dh, so I am just kinda shooting in the dark, but from what I know of marriages, even the best of them have down times. You guys have hugely full plates, and you are doing an amazing job at giving your kids the best advantages that you can. In order to maintain a strong marriage, you need to give that a good amount of attention too. That's the hard part, because you are already so divided in your time. As much as you feel it's draining to you, it probably is helping. But he needs to understand how you feel about it.

I don't know if this helps at all. (((Denise)))

I agree with Jennjo that if you havent talked to him about it then you really cant be mad at him. As a person that loves sex, I know that if I HAD to go a month or more without sex I might be wanting a 2 hour or better session too if for no other reason then to get what I can and get out all the pent up frustration. So maybe thats what he thinks, that be better get what he can and when and maybe he thinks that you prefer longer sex less often, rather then less sex more often... ? I mean really who knows what he thinks and what he thinks that you think (okay did that make sense...) if you never talk to him you will never know. I had to learn early on in my marriage never to assume that my dh thought one way or another as there were times that I would 'accuse' him of doing something for some reason and he would be dumbstruck and be like "no, actually I did it because I thought this...." .whoops!

So defenitely talk to him about it and see if you can come to a compromise that will work for both of you. One that he feels that he's okay with to keep his sexual desires satisfied and one that you feel you can live with. Since its almost seems that you are not going to be into no matter how often or how much it is, but since you are already willing to give something because you understand thats part of what he needs , maybe you should really think it through and decide for yourself - would it be better to 'suck it up' so to speak once a week (for example) but demand shorter sessions ?

and you never know once you talk to him maybe he will be relieved and say something like "oh thank god, I thought you liked it but didnt think I could keep up anymore!" (stranger things have happened..maybe?). You said that he doesnt indulge in porn but maybe you might want to encourage that if its something he might be interested in ... who knows?

Also, maybe this is something you want to discuss with your doctor? Could it be something that you want to work on for yourself, as in you said you dont feel you need sex but do want to feel like you need it or want it? kwim?

Defenitely though you need to not feel the way you are feeling, and I think thats more you doing that to yourself then him. You said you feel like a "science experiment" for example but my thought is you have created that impersonable type feeling yourself by being so disconnected to it. Try not to do that, try to remember back to what it was like when you did enjoy that connection and keep in mind that may still be what he is feeling so in that case is not treating you like an experiment but rather the desirable wife he married. Even if you dont feel it physically anymore, see if you can try to create or feel an emotional connection so that you dont end up feeling used.

I cant say that I understand what you are feeling so I wont but I do feel for what you are going through. Its a tough thing that I am sure a lot more couples deal with then ever discuss so I am sure you are not alone. I hope that together your husband and you can work through this!

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